My Ramblings

What a girl (like me) needs.

2011-12-19T22:30:00.000-08:00

1) Love
2) Affection
3) Support
4) Gentleness
5) Lots of patients
6) Compassion
7) Strength
8) Guidance
9) Humor
Most importantly:
10) Reassurance. I grew up in a family where reassurance wasn't given. I never knew when I made people happy, only when they were displeased/dissatisfied with me. Now, as an adult, I constantly seek out reassurance. If I'm in a situation where I know I'm not doing the BEST, I'll avoid you. Afraid you'll point it out. Even worse though is when I'm doing my best and it's pointed out that I did something someone wasn't satisfied with. THE WORST feeling is knowing someone is dissatisfied with you. So, I need constant reassurance. Some people see this as being needy. It's not needy in the sense that I need you there every moment of my life it's needy in the sense that I need to feel like I'm doing things right for you, weather it be friendship, relationship, work, parenting etc. The moment I feel like you become unsatisfied I go into overdrive, afraid you will retaliate. So I want to know everything, I won't drop the situation, I become manic about things and that's when I lose control and just kinda go in a downward spiral.
As a child the retaliation I experienced was discipline, kids not wanting to be my friends etc. I responded by either fighting back or begging for friends. Regardless, neither was the right approach.
As an adult I have mainly seen this affect my relationship with my SO. In past, it's pushed them away, in present it does the same. I respond by being overly dramatic, turning the situation onto ME so I can "fix" the problem. I just want to move past the situation. "Get over it" sort to say.

Regardless of my up bringing, my past or my current stage of life, I am the one who needs to "get over it". No one on Earth is responsible for reassuring me. No one on this planet can fulfill that constantly and eternally. The only one who can fill my cup up is God. I know all the stories, I've read a lot of the books, but I need to start actively leaning on Him. Humans are sinful and will ALWAYS disappoint. If I continue to depend on them, I will continue to feel inadequate. When in reality, I am and always have been sufficient enough because of Him.

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3 things
1) Today I am thankful for my sweet sweet daughter. She was so bright today
2) Today I am thankful for a day to get things done around the house
3) Today I am thankful that it will be the last night I'll have to go to bed worrying about the alarm going off at 5AM.

A year in review.

2011-12-12T19:10:00.000-08:00

Then...
lived with my dad
Commuted INTO work, 45 minute drive
Z went to school in Glendale
Searching for Him
Searching for "The One"
Serious diet control (this was the only real thing I had control over)
Mourning loss of a marriage
Mourning loss of friendships
Partying EVERY weekend
Neglecting my work
Neglecting my daughter

Now
Found Him
Found The One
Live in Buckeye
Commute 15 minutes to school
Z goes to school in Buckeye
Commute into Tempe 2-4x week (45 minute drive)
Rebuilding friendships
Learning to live life with The Ex
Spending more time with Z (she loves helping me cook!)

I started writing this post about two months ago. I've kind of picked it up and dropped it since then. My life has made a complete 180.
I can not believe how much God has shown himself and changed me for the better. I am amazed at the people he has put into my life, taken away and/or brought back. I am amazed that I was strong enough to do this myself (because of Him). I am so in love with Him and can PROUDLY say I have found a home church, after not having one for nearly 5 years. Not only has God lead me to this church but I have also become a member of this church and am SO SUPER excited for what will come from this community, spiritual growth and support. Some days I'm still in amazement that I went from a dry desert to a habitable, nutrient dense jungle.

Not only has God worked in my life on a spiritual level, but He has worked in me and through my Ex to make what little "relationship" we have conducive to raising a child. He has taught me through multiple outlets that not only do I need to swallow my pride for Z's sake, but to strive to behave the way Jesus would've. I am incredibly thankful that we (T and I) can have dinner with him and his fiance. I am thankful He has placed a women in his life that 1) speaks to his needs, 2) communicates with me, 3) doesn't over step her boundaries as a "step" parent and 4) helps him to see my perspective.
A year ago, I was so done with him, I really was ready to cut all communication but I did have a dream to make things civil amongst us for Z's sake. My heart has truly changed and, although I still go through rough patches communicating with him, and emotions get mixed up, I am glad I sucked it up and worked it out with him.

One of the biggest blessings to come out of this year is T. To write the story would not do it justice. I met a boy one cold windy Sunday morning who I thought nothing of, aside from the fact that we had chatted online for a few months. In all honesty, ever since then we have pretty much be inseparable. He has grown immensely and I see God shaping him and I see his eagerness to please God. I see his love and desire for all that is good for me and for us. I have never met a person who express so much how they feel for me and actually follows through with those words. Here we are almost 12 months later, we are engaged and planning a wedding, but more then that we are seeking God's desire for us together and consistently. It was hard for me to image letting someone into my heart again, but he has become my best friend, someone I can depend on. I am grateful and immensely blessed that God has chosen to place him in my life.
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Thankful fors
1) A God who NEVER forsakes his children
2) A daughter that is so freakin cute
3) Having more places to call home then 99% of the population.

Uneasiness

2011-07-12T12:40:00.000-07:00

Sometimes, the littelest, insignificant things bother you. Not only do they bother you, but the enemy has away of allowing those things to anchor in your heart.

The last few days, maybe even a week or so, I have really been struggling with inadequacies with my own body and movement within relationships.

Growing up, I was never comfortable in my skin. I was ridiculed by family and classmates about my appearance. I remember in 5th grade, I stood before my aunts cabinets (where she stashed all the yummies) and consciously made a desicion to not eat snacks any more. In fact, from there, I stopped eating all together. I would eat dinner, just a bit, to keep my father from asking me questions. I remember I used to hide candy bars in my bedroom. I'd never eat them, but kept them "just in case". When I'd want to eat one, I would just look at it and smell it. The sweet aroma that came from package was satisfying enough.
As an adult, I was still ridiculed by my family and in some ways my ex. I had gained a lot of weight and was by all means obese. I went from eating nothing to eating everything. I didn't want to stop. Food was the only thing that made me happy. It never talked back, never called me fat, never backed out of chores, duties, arrangements. It was also the center of a lot of my friendships.
During this time, I never once dieted. I was "content" with were I was and how I looked. I had a husband, friends, family and a good job. What more should I want? Anything above that is being greedy. Eventually, it was decided that we would try for a second child. Before we started, I wanted to loose some weight in hopes that the new baby wouldn't come 2 months early like my daughter did. So, with a ready heart and mind, I started dieting. I ended up loosing a total of 43lbs. (woohoo)
Fast forward, I have been in a serious relationship for about 7 months. I have gained about 6lbs back, which in reality is NOTHING. I know it's nothing, but I seriously feel like shit about the way I look. I hate that my thighs jiggle. I hate that I have a muffin top, I hate that my arms are fat, I hate that my boobs sag and that I can't wear a two piece. I hate that there are other people more "perfect" then me. It makes me feel deficient. Trust me, I know how far I've come. I know that a lot of other people have a much greater struggle then I. I know this is really just minuscule in the scheme of life, but it has really gotten to me this week. I have a man who loves me for the beezy that I am. He loves me EXACTLY the way I am, and that isn't good enough. He constantly builds me up, spiritually and emotionally. I just can't get past this.
Last night, I read a blog from Myra at myblesssedlife.net. Although her blog isn't specifically about struggling with self-image, it really spoke to my heart. A big part of me feels like my best isn't good enough. No matter how hard I try, I will have all these physical (and other areas) imperfections. And at this stage in life, I feel this way not because anyone specifically says anything to me, it's just the expectation I've placed on myself. T and I talked after he got home from a men's bible study and He just spoke to me through T's lesson last night. Not only do I need to allow God's love and grace to be enough, but I have no right to doubt it. T is amazing with words in these situation. He truly knows how misguided my heart and thoughts are, but knows how to steer me in the right directions using those calm, encouraging words I so desperately need. After our talk, I laid in bed tossing and turning. I reflected upon all the things that have got me to this place, about the way I look. I need to forgive people for what they say. Truly forgive, not just excuse the comments. I need to work on letting God be sufficient, because no matter what, I will always fail myself. T will always fail me, work will always fail me, friends will fail me. The only thing perfect is God. I also need to realize that I am exactly what God made me to be. I was created after his image. I need to allow these words to penetrate my heart and wounds and allow them to soak in and be absorbed. I will only find satisfaction through Him.
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Speaking of failure, to go right along with T and Myra's "talks", I feel like I've failed Z in so many ways. This summer I had so many dreams and expectations for us. I wanted to do a lot of art with her, start writing, get better with colors, shapes, ABC's and numbers. Instead, I've sat on my butt, doing school work, overall not placing her first. She deserves so much more attention and better effort. UGH.
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I am also struggling with the way my ex is doing some things. He seems to have found a girl and is ready to introduce her to Z. I feel so uneasy about this. Just knowing where he is in life, it makes me wonder what kind of women would consider really dating him (enough to be a part of his daughters life). I know I have no room to judge and don't have the full story, but I just don't feel at ease about this.
I'm also bothered by the fact he keeps trying to add me on Google+ because he has personal things on there I am not ready to see or be apart of. I purposely hide those from him because I do not want to cause awkwardness, but he seems to not have that same respect. It may also be that I don't want to see him move on. I don't want him to be happy....he doesn't deserve it. (ouch that's harsh, and deep down I don't REALLY feel like that, but right now, I still have a lot of anger towards him) Honestly, I just want him to be away from me. I want to not have to always consider him, think about him or wonder how he's going to react to things in my own life.
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I'm kind of in a dark place. This time of summer, I always get restless and a bit depressed.

Memories

2011-05-27T09:52:00.000-07:00

I remember one time when I was sorting through my mom's photos, I came across a picture that was ripped in half. After looking at it for a bit, I realized it was my dad that was cut off. At the time, I just accepted that that was the way it was. My mom and dad didn't want to share the memories they once had and wished that the other wasn't there. (I understand now the pain that comes with a divorce and understand why that action was taken to begin with).

That moment always kind of stuck with me for some reason. I decided early on that should anything happen to my marriage, I would not do that. Anything worth taking a picture of was obviously a good memory.

For those of you who know me, know for an extended period of time I was a pretty avid scrapbooker. Over the last 3 years I have slowly backed away from it because I didn't have anything "worth" taking photos of. My life wasn't "picture perfect" or happy. During the summer I'd scrapbook an entire year in about 5-10 pages.
Once I moved out of the house, I got rid of all my major scrapbook supplies. Ready to walk away from scrapbooking. I tucked my books away on a shelf and didn't bother looking at them for a bit.

But within myself, there were many moments that I wanted to go through them. One reason was to relive those past memories, to take me to a place that was happier. Ultimately I didn't. I thought about looking at those pictures and all the feelings coming back to me (memories evoke feelings right?) and decided if I want to keep these books intact, I need to walk away from them.

I have decided that I will not alter those books at all. The fact of the matter is this:
1) Those books contain some of the most important events, milestones and happenings that have happend to me in the last 13 years. It would be unfair and selfish of me to get rid of these things.


High School Graduation, 2002

Wedding, 2004


New York, 2007


Birth of Z, January 16, 2008


Phamily vacation to Mexico, July 2008


Christmas 2009

2) I don't want Z growing up thinking/feeling she was a mistake or that her parents didn't care about each other or her. In all honesty, The Ex and I had 13 years together. We had a lot of great times, millions of memories. I want her to know all those things. I want her to know that she was created out of love and that she wasn't a result of a fight or an accident.

If I were to change anything about those books, I would be lieing about my life, about where she came from .
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I've also decided that I will back up all my pictures on my computer from that time and lock it away for Z for when she gets older. She can decide what she wants to do with them from there, but I have no need for them on my computer anymore.
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I am also madly in love with a very special man in my life. We've started to make memories and I am excited to solidify them in a book. I've heard a lot about digital scrapbooking and think this will be my new adventure.

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3 Things
1) I am thankful for time. It helps to make rational decisions
2) I am thankful for my daughter. No matter what, she was the light in that darkness
3) I am thankful for a real and active God, who continues to heal me and move me forward for the next journey in my life.

His plan is ALWAYS greater then mine.

2011-04-21T22:58:00.000-07:00

This was pulled from my FB account. Dates back to NYC times. It's lengthy but could be worth a read AND there is a reflection at the end.

Such as life i suppose.

by Jasmine Lok on Sunday, April 1, 2007 at 1:17pm

so... it's almost been a year since we moved out here. 10 months.
i want to go back to where i was before. i miss my friends and family. the community there was unlike anything i have found or heard of.
am i holding on to the past to much? should i just let it all go. all the people.. all the memories... all the possibilities?
i know god will direct us in the right area, but until it's "right" my heart longs for what i had.
i feel like i've gone through a divorce that neither party wanted. my heart hurts so bad and i know others felt/feel that way too.
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things in NY have been getting better. we've forced ourselves to plug into a church. i'm not quite sure how i feel about it. i like the people, but i dont know, there's just something about it that i dont get. maybe it's because it's "too big". i dont get that sense of community amongst everyone.
no one prays for anyone. no one touches anyone. it's just more... sterile i suppose.

job hunting is going to SUCK!! i know nothing about any of the schools, nor where any of the schools are. so this shall be interesting. i'll have to start my masters next year, which i dont want to and will also suck.

we're probably moving to brooklyn in june when our lease is up. it's too expensive here and we'd like to save up more then what we are able to now. the commute into NYC will be the same (which will be awesome) but the rent will be $500-$700 less, so that would be even more awesome.
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over all, things are getting better here. as things get better here, i'm still finding myself wanting to go back to flagstaff more and more. i dont know. i'm crazy sometimes i know, but i just want to go back. i miss everything about it (even the snow which is WAY better then NY snow).
every once in a while aaron will say "let's move back. just cut our losses and move back" my heart always skips a beat because i know that there is still so much more for us to see and do in NY, but ultimately that means nothing when you dont have family or friends.
we wouldn't be so lonely. so distant from society. so lost.
i'm sure it'll get better, but when and will i have patients for it to actually happen?
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REFLECTION
Wow, is all I can say.
Those of you who know me in "real life" and have had conversations with me about New York, know that I am IN LOVE with NYC and sorta, kinda, just a little bit, regret moving back to AZ in 2008. It's amazing to re-read this and see where I was in that stage of life. Even at moment of my life. I was working at the preschool and was still a TINY bit disconnected from my co-workers. Come July, when I moved, I had developed friendships that would last a life time. I can not believe that I had such little faith in God at that moment. My co-workers were my greatest friends in NYC. My job, also became the best job I have ever had. I miss both on a regular basis. Although there are days when I miss my Flagstaff family, I had built a real, true, authentic community.

We ended up plugging into a church called Forefront. I still attend that church when I visit, and my cousin now goes there. I built several relationships there have carried through with my move to AZ. At the time, we did become very involved and left, loving the church and people.

We moved to Astoria, rented a 2 bedroom 1 bathroom, with a yard for about $1800. SUPER CHEAP and SUPER HUGE. We signed a 2 year lease. 2 months into that lease we found out we were pregnant and the landlord let us out of the lease no questions asked. It was literally a miracle.
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There were many wonderful things about NYC that I was too blind to see at the time. Now looking back, I can recognize them. However, I also recognize something more important. Should I have stayed in NYC, I would have ended up completely alone and helpless in NYC during and after the divorce. Did God for see what was going to happen to my marriage and choose to bring me home so I could have strong family support, guidance and help? Did God know that I would need a few years to build DEEP friendships to help me through the divorce? Did God know? I know there is free will. God knows all the choices a person can make and all the outcomes that will happen because of that choice.
It's taken me almost 4 years, but I see He was protecting me. Giving me what I needed, when I would need it. He put things into play WAY before I knew I would need them.
Again, I am so disappointed in myself. So disappointed that I so quickly lost faith in God. So disappointed how quickly I thought God wasn't present.

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3 Things
1) I am thankful for seeing God's plan
2) I am thankful for God's sovereign timing
3) I am thankful for a life that is good because of Him.

Realizations

2011-04-15T20:27:00.000-07:00

God is been revealing a lot to me over the last several weeks. I’m grateful for this insight and that I am seeing Him move in my life.

First, God has shown me that what I thought I knew love was, was in fact incorrect. In my marriage, neither party was patient, kind, forgiving etc. Intimacy was rare. Through time, I started associating intimacy with love. “When I love you, I am intimate with you”. I started to feel as if I wasn’t loved because he wasn’t intimate with me. This realization brought me back to the whole reason I became saved to begin with. 1 Corinthians 13.

The realization that someone or something (God) should/could be patient, kind, isn’t envious, keeps no record of wrong and isn’t’ easily angered etc.(really badly summarized) by my actions was infeasible. I grew up in a house where a lot of this wasn’t shown or displayed. When I read this, I knew this is what I wanted and what I needed in my life and also how I wanted to reflect love in my life.

Now, as I’m entering into a new, real relationship, I am finding that I’m putting that “when I love you, I am intimate with you” mentality back into place. BUT when I take a step back (which has only been recently, as this realization only hit me on Wednesday as I was driving home) I’m seeing that I don’t need to. Its misplaced assumptions.

T is so amazingly patient with me, it is unbelievable. I cannot ever put into words how surprised I am how he reacts to me when I flip my lid, or say something harsh, or go through something difficult. He is always slow to anger, slow to speak and eager to listen. He forgives me for all my little flaws, wrong doings and understands that I am working on those things and prays for me/with me. To me, he truly embodies 1 Corinthians 13. Realizing this is what I have in my life, has pointed out to me the misguided feelings and thoughts I have on what love is. Although this realization was pulled out through the relationship T and I have, it’s God that even put this feeling on my heart and its God that made me realize the association I had with it.

Second, God is teaching me that I need to constantly pray for myself and my family. In recent weeks, I have been attacked spiritually with thoughts of fear, doubt and withdrawal.

When I was at my “peek” relationship with God in college, I was very aware of the spiritual realm. I constantly prayed for myself. I never felt anything bad or negative around me and just assumed it was how my life would work. Since realigning my walk with God, I haven’t prayed for this aspect of my life at all. I was totally ignorant to it.

Two weeks ago, I started to withdraw from my routine with God (Bible study, listening to worship music, wanting community). That Tuesday, the song, Blessed be your name (by Tree63) came on. In all times past, this has been a song that has ALWAYS lifted my spirits weather I was needing it or not. That morning, I DISTINCLY did NOT want to listen to it and I turned it off. There was a part in me that cringed when I did that, but I ignored it and moved on. That Thursday, I went to my first RC group (like a Bible study) and the ENTIRE time I was there, I was just angry. (I was angry because of what I felt like I was owed from God. I was mad he had taken away the community I had, the leadership I was in, groups I had lead. I was jealous that there was someone there whose walk with God was so deep and passionate as compared to mine. Really, all silly things) The anger took over and despite the authentic relationship and community this group of people has with each other, the desire for me to connect into a Bible study, I did not want to be a part of it. I left discouraged. I felt like I was starting all over again and I didn’t want to do it. On a side note, I had been a part of MANY Bible studies since college and have never felt this way before. T pointed out that a lot of this is fear and that the enemy could be using this against me and getting a grip on me. Just to make things go full circle, that following Sunday, one of the last songs we sang at the end of the service was Blessed be your name. Seeing, reading and singing those words are exactly what I needed that day. It made me realize that He will give and take away but regardless I need to keep my focus on God, blessed is His name. Even when the darkness closes in, I need to keep my focus on God, blessed is His name.

I walked away from that week realizing how quickly I turn my back on God and try to do things myself, or lose faith that He can do it for me. I learned that one negative seed can quickly sprout if I don’t pray about that aspect of my life.

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3 Things

1) I am thankful for a God who is caring, merciful and patient

2) I am thankful for the relationship that I am rebuilding with God

3) I am thankful for all the amazing things He is whispering into my ear. ALWAYS at the right moment.

Obedience Vs. Willing Heart

2011-03-28T21:12:00.000-07:00

Is there anything wrong with doing something out of obedience rather then a willing heart?

When The Ex and I left the last church we attended together, I started going to churches on Sunday in search of "home". Home didn't come (it would take about 2 1/2 years to find something I could call home). After a while I just kind of picked a church and attended it regularly because I knew that is what God would want me to do . Not because I wanted to go, but because I knew it was the right thing to do.

Once I moved out of the house, I switched between NCC and Vineyard North Phoenix. Both very good churches, I just never felt connected and struggled to stay connected through small groups or functions. At this point, I was really angry with God and really didn't want to go to church. But I continued to go. I hated going a lot. It was such a "hassle". I had to get Z ready often times and figure out what service would be best for us, or coordinate with my parents if she was going to go to church with them. I was tired of sitting by myself in service. Yet I continued to go.

Through out this time, I tithed on a regular basis. I wanted to support "my" church, but my heart wasn't happily/willingly giving. I just did it out of respect for God.

She Who Can Not Be Named, sometimes questioned me on this. Asking me why I can't just give happily with an open heart. God has given me EVERYTHING I could ever need or want. Why was I being so selfish. I don't even deserve Jesus' sacrifice. That alone should be enough.
Her comment to me has stuck with me and kind of put a damper into me doing things. Sometimes I have felt guilty for doing something even though I didn't want to.

S, my mentor, has always mentioned how important it is to stay in The Word even if your heart isn't in the right place. She points out that the enemy is sneeky and will get his hands on you easily especially if you are not regularly surrounding yourself with God.

Today T and I were serving. He asked me if we should take two cars so that I could get Z if I needed to. He didn't want me to feel obligated to stay just because he was there. This conversation sparked these same emotions from the conversation I had with SWCNBN. Why was I doing this? Because I really wanted to or because I wanted to support T?

Ultimately I really truly believe that God blesses those who serve, tithe and worship. Even if their hearts aren't always willing. There is so much scripture that talks about obeying God, serving him faithfully. Sometimes, when you're in a dark phase, that is all you can do to keep yourself connected to him.

My heart is really turning back into a "willing heart". I want it to be there. It's amazing what three years in a dark place can do. I'm so disappointed that I let myself to get there, that I didn't have faith in God, even though I always thought I did. I was blind but now I see. I'm ready for this new adventure and I am very excited. I realize that I depended too much on myself and not enough on Him. I'm working on this.
(Side note: "I'm working on this" seems to be the term of this season for me)

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3 Things
1) I am thankful for an all forgiving God.
2) I am thankful T going out on a limb and serving
3) I am thankful for my daughter. She's finally turning back into herself.

Fixable I

2011-03-23T21:38:00.000-07:00

The last few weeks I've had one thing pointed out to me over again.

I've always appreciated about myself that I was easily approachable and easy to talk to. While in NYC my old boss B and I were talking about an incident with a male and female co-worker that I witnessed. Ever since then I have not had warm fuzzy feelings about the female co-worker. Despite all my intentions and such, I guess I came off abrasive. Then, again, when I saw her this past week, I did the same. I asked B why she thought people (mainly girls) saw me that way and she said it's because I come across as if I know everything. As if I'm smarter then them.

The Ex has said many times that I talked down to him and made him feel stupid (I find that so hard to believe becasue 1) he's so dang smart he out logics me in ANYTHING and 2) he's one of the smartest people I know.)

T said that sometimes I talk like I know more then he does about something, regardless of if he does or doesnt. Example that was used was food. I get down on him for being so one tracked when it comes to food. He told me that although he likes specific foods, I don't realize that he's had wine tasting classes, knows how to cook etc. I just assume he's "uncultured".
He also told me I caught his room mate off guard with my attack on her about brocolli. Which I 100% was trying to be polite, I guess I was a bit pushy.

What sucks about these comments is I strive to be the opposite of that person. It's apparent that I am that person. It's an area I struggle in. I know that I can be a B, but in general every day conversation I truely strive not to.
The good thing is that I have people around me who can point this out to me in a loving manner. The better thing is that I can accept that people view this way and want to change it. The wonderful thing is that I don't have to try to change this on my own. From today forward I'm going to try really hard to compose, present and verbalize myself with the honesty, compassion, humility and love.
This can be difficult because I have a very sharp tongue and a very short temper. I'm praying.

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3 Things
1) I am thankful for peace in major desicions that were made.
2) I am thankful for all the patience people in my life give me.
3) I am thankful for God ALWAYS providing especially when I need it the most.

Selfish Struggle

2011-03-13T23:06:00.000-07:00

Lately I've been struggling with where my financial status is and where it could be in the future. I have to admit, that with the salary I make now I am not happy at all. I know that I should just have faith in God and let it be what it is, but I am selfish. I want to be able to afford vacations, I want to afford putting my child(ren) into an amazing school, I want to be able to afford a house payment, I want to be able to afford shopping for clothes etc. All these are things that I don't NEED, I just want.

I struggle with the idea that one day I might marry someone who won't provide me with what I want. This is a struggle because I know it isn't right to be concerned with this. I know God will provide me with what I need and my hearts deepest desires. Not that He needs to prove Himself to me, I've already seen Him provide for me time and time again. I know I am just holding onto a lifestyle that was a phase and has passed. It was a phase that wasn't good for me either. It caused me to loose sight in Him, loose sight of my family and my true desires. Having a partner with money is not good for me.

There are moments of weakness when I covet what someone else has and just wish for that money so I could also have it. But, more and more, there have been moments when I look at that same thing moments or a days later and really feel like "my life is complete without it". It's a struggle. Something I am seeking God to change within me. Something that will slowly fade away because ultimately it does me no good to be greedy, rich, materialistic or to covet what someone else has.

I kind of had a melt down this past week. Contracts came out and once again, for the 4th year in a row, my salary has not increased. Not only has it not increased, but I also don't have a husband who makes a substantial amount of money. So, I'm raising a child on essentially "pennies". Not only did that freak me out, but other changes that are occurring within my friendship circle are kind of making me want to make the leap into something that pays more...ANYTHING. After talking to my friend R and then T about it, I've calmed down. I'm realizing and feeling within myself that minimalism is what I need right now. Simplicity is going to be the key to my success in this phase of my life. I am accepting that and am ok with that. It's time "I practice what I preach" and live the life style I've claim is so amazing.

Right now, I have direction. I have a goal and I am taking steps to attain those goals. Will those goals lead to that brand new BMW I'm wishing to get? Probably not. Why? Because I am realizing more and more I have other priorities such as raising a family, serving God and paying off my debts. Regardless of where my income is in the next few years, I will always have struggles if those are not dealt with in the appropriate matter. In fact, my selfish struggles will only get worse if I choose to ignore them.

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3 Things
1) Today I am thankful for a sister who can not only guide me but also forget my transgressions and have fun with me
2) Today I am thankful for the city that never sleeps
3) Today I am thankful for friends scattered here and there that make the same effort I make to maintain our friendships.
4) Today I am thankful that I made church a priority even while on vacation. My heart and soul needed it.

Timing

2011-03-01T19:15:00.000-08:00

God's timing is PERFECT but always a little funny/awkward/hard to decipher.

After going what's essentially amounted to 5 years without a real passion/conviction/desire for God, I really think I've found it. Not only have I found that passion to PLEASE God, but it's also come with convictions.

Conviction is something I've never really experienced in my walk with God before. A lot of it has to do with the church I am going to. Redemption Church has a lot of relevant, real and convicting sermons. Right now we're going through the book of James. So far, every week I've attended, I've walked away feeling I need to do more or change the way I've been doing something.
Week 1: Certain aspects of my relationship with T
Week 2: Reconnecting with people in the church/bible studies/community service
Week 3: Sick, didn't go, but HEAVY burden to start tithing again
Week 4: Serving/Leadership.
Not only am I having these convictions, but they aren't going away. There are emotions that are coming about because of these convictions. I truly am desiring to change these things or get back into the flow of things.

Relationship. Although I was looking to date guys, it was definitely halfheartedly. Not only was it halfheartedly, but I NEVER thought anything long term/serious could come of any of the guys I had talked to or went on dates with. I was just "getting my toes wet". I had written my list of requirements, but all the guys I dated/picked were lacking in one crucial area (among other areas). A belief in God. Not just a belief, but the desire, yearning for a relationship with Him. The passion to serve Him and to lead a family. T really is amazing. He embodies and has the desire/potential to be those things that I need. I've learned that in ANY relationship I am in, God must be first.
Anyways, back on topic. It's funny/frightening that I have found a relationship I could be proud of. I'm noticing how awkward it is for everyone else, that T and I are actually dating, but it is what it is and I am not going to avoid this relationship because it makes people uncomfortable.

Schooling. Although I've said many times "I'd never go back to school", I had often time asked The Ex to let me go back. He always said no because it would be too much of a burden on him having to pick up the extra slack of taking care of Z. He just said that he'd work more hours to make up for the income I could potentially make. After we went our own ways, the first thought I had was "go back to school". I start in May. The end result will help me to achieve my dreams. The dreams I thought were only possible because of the income The Ex brought in. Now I'm seeing that the more I rely on God, the more this is going to fall into place and truly help me achieve that dream.

Dreams. I haven't had real dreams since my friend S went on his first tour of Iraq. That was when I first moved to NYC, so 2006. Since then, not only has my relationship with God discintigrated, but the gift he has given me has weekend.
I went to my dad's house this past week to have dinner. After my dad left, I had "women" talk with my step-mom (that's what she called it). Among many things we talked about, she brought this up. She told me she had been praying for me in this area, that God would bring it back and draw me closer. Its ironic because that whole week I had been having very vivid clear dreams and they haven't stopped since then. Nothing prophetic or ground breaking, but definitely poignant, honest, vivid and sometimes scary.

______
All of this is happening RIGHT NOW. RIGHT NOW my life is changing in the direction I have only drempt of/prayed for. I CAN NOT BELIEVE that all of this is coming together after such a dark and empty period in my life, not just spiritually, but clearly in my marriage as well. I have prayed for a spiritual leader for almost 8 years. I have wanted to go back to school for at least 4 years. I have dearly missed my dreams. And secretly unbeknownst to me, I've wanted conviction in my life.
It is perfect timing. I'm realizing more and more as I'm away from The Ex and in a relationship with T, that if I would have been given ANY of this, I would not have been ready for it. I would've failed at it. I know this is GIVEN to me and they are all precious gifts. I am prepared for the responsibility and ready to step up to the plate. I want all of this and I will honor God by trying to do it the right way, because He is the one who has given it to me and can also take it away at any point.

How to say good bye

2011-02-28T19:20:00.000-08:00

There are times in my life when the right words to say goodbye came to me. A time when they were easy, understood and mutual.

In the summers, when church camp was over, it was always expected that there would be massive amounts of sobs, blubbery words, hugs exchanged (which was a HUGE deal cuz the church I went to didn't allow ANY physical contact between opposite sex kids), email addresses swapped and whatever else we thought the other person deserved...

When college was over, my cohort engaged in "the last supper", even though it was actually breakfast, we all showed up at a little place in Flag, had one last meal together and enjoyed everyone's company. We knew this was going to be the last time we'd all ever be together again.

When The Ex and I moved from Flagstaff to NYC, our church spent one last Sunday meal with us. All our friends went to say goodbye together. We went to all of ours favorite hangout, prayed and ate like nothing was going to change. At the end, we said "good bye and see you soon".

When I left NYC, my closest friends were there to say goodbye. B took me to dinner a few nights before we left and B2 took me to Johnny Rockets. We spent our times together to say goodbye and when the time came for me to walk out of the VPC doors forever, I just gave everyone a hug and walked out.

When I moved out of my own house, I just left. There were no words that were needed.

BUT
When I moved out of my dad's house, there was nothing. That's how we roll.
The whole week leading up to the move was a bit awkward. I felt like I was disconnected from the family as if I wasn't living there anymore. Conversations kind of went no where, peopel were in their own world.
The whole week after moving, not a word. No one called, including myself. As if everything went back to "normal"

It's not a negative feeling, just an observation on how different relationships function.
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3 Things
1) Today I am thankful for the support to appropriately discipline my daughter (I struggle with this)
2) Today I am thankful for my mentor S. She is stern and honest with me, BUT does it with love. I need that.
3) Today I am thankful for some quiet.

Open Letter

2011-02-13T20:18:00.000-08:00

You made me scooby snacks and moe-coo countless times. You perfected baked ham and turkey just to see the satisfaction on our faces. You worked your tail off to provide our family a safe place to live. You always loved to bring up eating wings with my pinky up, Area 51 and Uno. You spent many hours "flinging shit" in the front yard, fixing the neighbors house, chopping down the trees in the back. You used to help plant flowers in the spring and lost countless Christmas gifts in the abyss. When one of us was sick, you loaded us up with vitamins, checked on us in the middle of the night to make sure we had no fever and made us drink nasty concoctions so we could get healthy again. You were protective of us.

In a lot of ways you showed me what it was like for a husband to love his wife. You were delicate, caring, considerate and paid attention to the needs of your wife. You went on adventures with her, consulted with her about any things her children wanted to do, never letting them play you against each other. Nursed her back to health countless times and held her hand through many rough patches. In my mind, I know you are the reason she is here today. I know you are the glue that held her together. You two were a single unit.

You were a father to me. Growing up, you taught me how to defend myself, how to challenge my thinking and the thinking of those around me. You also taught me how to care for my body and what it is like to care for others.You forced me to exercise with you, not just because you wanted to torture me, but because you wanted to make sure I was healthy and strong.You teased me relentlessly not because you were mean, but because you wanted me to have a tough outer shell.You took me to my first high school dance, let me bring my first boyfriend home and also wanted to protect me when that first boyfriend broke my heart several times. You taught me to love and respect an adult without fearing them. You taught me that there are consequences to my decisions they were never from you but you always warned me about the outside forces.

Some where something went horribly wrong.

I can't remember my life before you and I'm struggling to envision my future without you. You've done some really nasty things to our family and to me. Most of which can not be forgiven. Most of which, we now know are true. The hardest part is that despite all the nastiness you've brought into my life and into my family's life I struggle to let go of the man that rushed to my house to pick me up the day I moved out of my dads. The father that picked me up every day from high school and took me to the chiropractor. I can't forget the protector that ran after the truck that rear ended us and took off. I can not believe he is so far gone. I can not fathom a person changing so much in 3 years.

I'm praying for you. I do love you despite what you've done to my family and I. I want the best for you and I hope that you can find peace because I know that is what you're missing.
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3 Things
1) I am thankful for T taking care of me and Z while we were sick
2) I am thankful for friends who helped me move into my new living quarters
3) I am thankful for spending all day in bed sleeping.

What I'm Going To Miss The Most...

2011-02-11T21:50:00.000-08:00


3 out of the 4 siblings + Z in MY bed when I come home from school.

Late nights talking with my sister and brother
My brother and sister are amazing. They always know what to say and when to say it. Throughout these last 6 months they have listened to me to cry about a broken marriage, recount wild nights, my fears about being on my own and my anxiety over new relationships. Although we don't always see eye to eye, they are ALWAYS there for me with solid, heart protecting advice.

Getting frozen yogurt after dinner with my sister and Z
Going shopping with my sister
It's so awesome to have a shopping buddy. It's even better when that shopping buddy 1) always scores amazing deals and 2) is a style fashionista.
Laying in bed with my sister
Tormenting my sister
Trying to convince my sister to cuddle with me (she did hold my hand once)
When she was little, I used to pin her down and force her to "cuddle" with me. As she got bigger, I somewhat respected that she didn't want to cuddle, but still tried. Once I moved in, one of the things I struggled most with was not having someone to hold me. She never let me hold her, but laying in bed with her talking was good enough. She did once tell me that she'd let me cuddle her instead of me cuddling a boy. I later tried to take her up on it and she declined.
The homework bar
This is a phenomenon I hope to have in my house with my children. All of us sit around the dinning room table with our laptops. We do homework, we blog, we facebook, we share funny videos, clips and trailers. Being around each other just existing is awesome. It also provides a lot of opportunity to learn about each other, to see what the other is up to in life and to talk. The four of us have spent countless hours around the homework bar. Often times, our late night conversations stem from the hours spent at the bar.
Working out in the family gym, with my brothers
Amazing food cooked by my dad and step mom
The constant ruckus happening in the house
Growing up I lived in a house and was apart of an extended family that was large and loud. Silence was something that I wasn't very familiar with. Once I moved out and lived with The Ex, my life became very quiet. I found I didn't sleep as well. Now, living in a house with 6 other people, all of who have different schedules and one that is a toddler, it's constantly loud. I love coming home and hearing "my" tv blaring, or my brother playing some instrument. I will miss the noise. The constant presence of someone.
My little brother consuming everything under the roof (he's got a six pack too!)
The convenience of everything being in Glendale.
Reality of it is, I'm a city girl. Through and through. Living in a small town is suffocating to me. I love everything that a big city has to offer: preschools, restaurants, people, diversity, shopping, and loads of other things. I enjoy that everything is within 10 minutes of where I live. In Buckeye, I have to drive "into town" to go to a good restaurant, movie theater or for any sort of shopping.

Although the time living with my parents is over, I am eternally indebted to them for taking my daughter and I in during my time of need. I am eternally grateful for my brother and sister, "holding" my hand as I experienced the death of a relationship and growth of an individual. I leave this house on a hill with mixed emotions. I'm so excited for the freedom and the opportunity to do things on my own, but I am also so afraid to do it "by myself", knowing I can not come home to them and ask for help or advice.

I've spent the last 6 months...

2011-02-09T17:08:00.000-08:00

These last 6 months have been crazy, crazy, crazy. I've grown in many ways and have experienced life. I'm moving out in less then a week. That alone, will begin a whole new chapter in my life. I'm using this time, to reflect upon the last six months.

I've spent the last 6 months:
living on top of a hill in Glendale.
with a 45-60 minute commute.
not paying any rent
not having a grocery bill
going through a divorce
figuring out where God is
sleeping in the same room with my daughter
sharing meals with my family, that I've missed
figuring out how to raise a child on my own
balancing a new social life with mommy-hood
living paycheck to paycheck
madly looking for a masters program and applying to one
losing 30 pounds
teaching 180 kids 5 days a week
running on very little sleep
making mistakes
"reliving" the college days I never had

My goal for this year was to become self sufficient. Starting Saturday, I will write my first rent check, I will buy my own groceries for the first time in 6 months and start my journey as a real (as opposed to fake?) single mother. I"m excited for the future and grateful for the past. God is good and will continue to provide for me my needs and I will choose to let that be enough.

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3 Things
1) I am thankful once again for antibiotics. Hopefully this time around Z will feel better
2) I am thankful for friends who are understanding, considerate and helpful
3) I am thankful for an hour to myself.

Does the medium matter?

2011-02-08T19:05:00.000-08:00

I've struggled to connect intimately with God for almost 3 years now. The moment I left NYC, I stopped hearing His voice. I searched and searched. Tried starting a home church, lead Bible studies, drifted from church to church, listened exclusively to Christian music, read the Bible, prayed, you named it, I tried it. All of this to no avail.

There were moments here and there where I thought I heard His whispers. But, I didn't, it usually lead to a dead end or disappointment. I know that a lot of my own issues were that I constantly compared church/God to what I had experienced in college. I know that I need to move on past that and accept it for what it is.

The last two weeks, I've gone to Redemption Church-Tempe. Not only have I gone, but I've been attending with my boyfriend T. The first weekend, was pretty awesome, as I mentioned in my last blog. This past weekend was amazing for me. I feel the passion, I feel the yearning of the congregation, the unification of the people the true authentic home of God. It is such an amazing feeling to be fed again. To have my cup filled.

I was talking to my friend S, kind of a motherly mentor to me, and confessed to her that I was hesitant that these last two services were real and authentic. I was fearful that I was feeling this way only because T was there. S pointed out that regardless of why I was feeling God's presence, I should be grateful I was feeling it.. I need to use that feeling to propel myself into individual spiritual growth throughout the week. I need to stop over analyzing everything and let it be what it is.

So the question to myself is: Does the medium matter? Does it really matter how I hear God, so long as I'm hearing God? The answers are clearly NO. I really just need to take it for what it is and enjoy this time of rekindled romance with my God. Take advantage of it and grow from it.

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3 Things
1) I am thankful God bringing T into my life.
2) I am thankful for perspective to sympathize with my mom.
3) I am thankful for the last 6 months for pain, growth and reflection.

Today I felt God

2011-01-31T22:11:00.000-08:00

1/30/11
Today I went to church with T. It was our first time going to church together and it was a church neither of us had been to.
Once we got inside, we found our seats. I tend to sight in the middle of the middle if that makes any sense. This way I can see the worship team AND the pastor when he speaks. I don't venture much from this area.
Before worship even started, I immediately had flashbacks to Flagstaff Vineyard. I saw the electric violin, the 5 guitars, the electric bass, piano and drums not to mention the 3 microphones. It all brought back memories, feelings, things longed for.
Worship started. It was pretty good. I felt the passion from the worship team as they played and I felt it in the audience. Their song selection had a very familiar flow. My heart was softening.
The sermon was over James 1: 13-17.

¹³ When tempted, no one should say, “God is tempting me.” For God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does he tempt anyone; ¹⁴ but each person is tempted when they are dragged away by their own evil desire and enticed. ¹⁵ Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death.
¹⁶ Don’t be deceived, my dear brothers and sisters. ¹⁷ Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.

The entire sermon was about taking responsibility for your temptations/sin and not blaming them on the devil, your neighbor, your friend etc. The pastor also talked a lot about what needs to be done to remedy the situation and how it can also start to consume your life.

Really, it was a slap in the face. As I'm sitting here typing this, I'm realizing many other aspects of my life that this touches upon. For example: choosing to walk away from God because of my anger towards Him. I blamed Him for things that were happening in my life, rather then REALLY stepping up and taking responsibility. Although it was a painful slap, it is much welcomed. The fact that I felt the slap, let alone His presence left a huge smile on my face.

After going so long with out feeling His presence, and then randomly, unexpectedly getting such a "comforting touch" is amazing.

I'm really praying this is the reboot of my relationship with Him. I've really missed Him. A LOT.

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3 Things

1) I am thankful for God putting someone in my life who is very patient with me.

2) I am thankful for friends C in NYC and R in Seattle. I love those girls and miss them.

3) I am thankful that God has ALWAYS provided me what what I've needed, not always what I WANTED, but what I needed.

Supportiveness and Encouragment

2011-01-30T20:06:00.000-08:00

I've never experienced true support in my life..... until recently. My family tries so hard, but I know that I let them down. I know that a lot of times our ideas, opinions, and beliefs do not align. I can imagine how hard it is to support someone who is doing something you don't believe in or don't want them to do. I've been there.

I've been blessed enough to have some amazing friends who no matter what I tell them, have chosen to walk beside me. Letting me make my mistakes and supporting me in the choices I make. Even better is that they tell me they support me. Now, I'm not saying that they support free reign, but they are letting me make my own choices and helping me every step of the way. They are not judgmental but speak the truth. They do not separate themselves from me because of the choices I make, but draw themselves closer.
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Encouragement is another area I felt has lacked in my life. The Ex tried to encourage me, but it just never meant anything. It never stuck, it never motivated me. I think because a part of me knew he didn't really mean it.

It's interesting having friends and family who are ENCOURAGING me to go out and do things, meet people, live on my own, support myself, go back to school, etc. It's nice to know that they think I can do it. It helps me to believe in myself because as a single mom, working full time with nothing to really show for it... sometimes it can be hard.

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3 Things
1) I am thankful that my sister and I can have honest, painful conversations for the sake of God and having an authentic relationship
2) I am thankful for a restful weekend
3) I am thankful for antibiotics. Z had strep this week and is doing MUCH better.

I still believe in marriage

2011-01-27T22:38:00.000-08:00

George Clooney won't do it again
Jim Carrey doubts it'll happen for himself
Hundreds of other "normal" people run away from it.

Marriage is something that I still believe in. No matter what I've been through, I'm serious when I say I know it can work and be forever.

I still believe because I've seen:
1) two people fall in love
2) two people stay in love
3) two people choose to always work on their relationship/friendship/marriage
4) nothing greater (outside of God) then the love and companionship a marriage brings
5) two people remain committed to each other through think and thin

One day I will find my prince charming. One day I will marry him. One day. Until then, I will be content with where God has placed me. But, boy, don't I look forward to that day and who knows, maybe he's already in my life, I just don't know it yet.

"there is no greater risk than matrimony.

but there is nothing happier than a happy marriage."

--benjamin disraeli, 1870

in a letter to queen victoria's daughter louise,

congratulating her on her engagement.

via the book committed by elizabeth gilbert

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3 Things

1) I am thankful for teammates that work their tails off to get things done. They seriously rock!

2) I am thankful for doors being held open for me at dinner. It's the small things that count sometimes.

3) I am thankful for new beginnings and look forward to some awesomely amazing secrets being revealed (no, I'm not pregnant or engaged or married)

Sudden Resolution

2011-01-26T20:10:00.000-08:00

When I was 13, I went to the Glendale Public Library with my friends. I remember this was a bit exciting because my dad let me out of the house for a bit to do a research project. My friends brother and his friend were going to be there. We walked to a seating area that was located behind some shurubery.
I remember as we approached the girls I saw this kid that looked like a bird. He was scrawny and had a big nose. There was no attraction. I remember he pursued me to no end. I was flattered that a boy would pay this much attention to me and I enjoyed that attention.
Fast forward 13 years later, and that flattery is far gone.
My friend E has been bugging me to call the judge who is handling our case because she felt like it was odd he wasn't signing off on our papers, despite the fact that we had agreed 100% on the terms. So I called yesterday, left a message and never heard back. Last night while talking to a friend, the divorce came up and he was basically kind of reiterating everything a lot of other people have said to me. So this morning, these two conversations were weighing heavy on my heart. Today around noon, I decided to try to find more information on who to call regarding the divorce processes. I finally got a hold of a human and explained to them my situation. She told me that our February 14th court date (WTF by the way right?!) had been canceled. I asked her why and she said because the divorce was finalized. I asked her to clarify because I didn't understand. She said that as of December 15, 2010, the divorce had been finalized. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. All this time, that I was Ms. Lok and I had no idea.
I immediately started crying.

First I panicked for a few seconds.WTF.... I have no one I'm attached to. I am all by myself. I can do whatever I want. I AM SINGLE, alone.

Seconds later, the tears that streamed down my face were out of pure excitement. I couldn't and still can't believe what was given to me so quickly. My heart skipped beats. My new life flashed before my eyes. All the possibilities came to life. Instant relief came over my body. Everything loosened up and was relaxed. I could breath again.
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3 Things
1) I'm thankful for a sudden resolution to my divorce
2) I'm thankful for feeling life on 2 hours of sleep
3) I'm thankful that I don't have to spend Valentine's day in court.

The benefits of NO friends with benefits

2011-01-25T20:32:00.000-08:00

:::Warning: Too Much Information below, parents, don't read if you're going to judge!:::

I'm realizing more and more that this is some sort of socially exceptable relationship in the "real world". I honestly had no idea and kind of fell into it TWICE not realizing what their expectations were.
This is why I won't do it again.

First off, there is self respect. I'm learning more and more that my mind nor my heart wants this type of relationship. My heart wants to be in a committed and exclusive relationship. Where there is respect for each other, communication, value and honesty. Not a booty call or "weekend friends". I'm learning to stand up for what I believe in and not cave into desire, which is fleeting. Maintaining my dignity and self respect is definitely a benefit of having no friends with benefits.

Secondly, who does it benefit to sleep around? These days it's very common for people to "date" multiple people at once. I know my definition of "dating" is clearly not what the average American practices. Therefore I'm assuming when they are "dating" other people they are also sleeping with other people (unless exclusivity has been spoken about). So not only does this really minimalize the intimacy within sex but also is a great way to spread STD's. Clearly a clean bill of health is a benefit of having no friends with benefits.

Lastly, I hate having to dance around or tip toe through a FWB relationship. It messes with my mind and I don't want that or need that. I appreciate knowing where my position is on the "totem pole". Nor do I want to have to worry about "the other girl". It's not right for me or any other girl to be sleeping with a guy when he's "seeing" someone else. I don't ever want to be "that girl" EVER.

Fitting for tonight's post.
Young the Giant- My Body
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3 Things
1) I am thankful for being able to stand up again for what I believe and feel
2) I am thankful for Z playing with me
3) I am thankful for NOT breaking my toe after rolling over it with a cart filled with $400 worth of bottled water and candy. OUCH!!

When will Jasmine move out? That is the question Part 2

2011-01-24T21:12:00.000-08:00

*Sorry for the lack of posts lately, I've been overly busy. ;)
Let's revisit this topic for a moment. (If you didn't read the first one, read it here)

First off, it's official, I am moving out the weekend of Feburary 12th. I'm still nervous as heck. I love my family so dearly and so appreciate their help and dedication. It's going to be hard to be on my own. I don't want to depend on my friend "family" the way I do my family. It's not right. There are moments when I doubt my abilities to do this on my own, BUT here are the facts:
1) I'm a freakin strong person
2) I'm pretty logical, I've got commen sense and I'm some what smart
3) I have great friends in Buckeye that will support me and encourage me.
4) I have amazing family in Glendale that will support me and love me and help me when I need it
5) I'm independant.

I've got a pretty good head on my shoulder. I was raised by 4 wonderful parents who have all contributed hours upon hours to my growth as a child, teenager and adult. The combination of parents I have is so amazingly diverse, I really think it's what makes me so level.

Even if I end up moving home (which I don't see happening) a friend of mine told me this today:

"You have to be allowed to make mistakes in your life other wise you'll never grow."

This move is no where near a mistake, but it sometimes feels like a blind leap of faith for me. I'll be honest when I say the move wasn't my idea. I have three friends who have really pushed for this move, and I can say with 100% honesty, I trust their judgment, insight and opinions. I FEEL it's the right move it's the lack of seeing the future that makes me hesitate the slightest.

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3 Things
1) I'm thankful for freakin amazingly fun friends.
2) I'm thankful for a daughter who cuddled ever so slightly with me today
3) I'm thankful for the slow drive home today.

Unsure of the unsure

2011-01-22T10:43:00.000-08:00

Anxiety is something I have never struggled with. In fact, in the past I've been pretty unsympathetic to those who have struggled with it. I've always felt those who struggle with anxiety were either causing their own issues or didn't know how to handle the issues that arose in their life.

Since September, I have had 2 small anxiety attacks and countless moments of anxiety ridden thoughts. I hate the feeling. I hate that my heart races in a bad way and gets heavy. I hate that my stomach gets sick and that I can't sit still. I hate that every time it happens, I feel like I'm not in control of the situation. (Maybe the point of the anxiety is to open my eyes up to the things I shouldn't panic about or try to control??)

A few days ago I did a bit of snooping around on the internet and found out a few things that kind of bothered me. One potentially good and one just awkward. They instigated the "situation" that day. It only lasted a few minutes, but regardless, it's interesting that I am experiencing this.

I'm pretty sure that most of the anxiety is happening because I am in a phase of my life where my ground isn't solid like it used to be. I have never been one who didn't have a plan, a goal, an idea or a dream. Since single-hood, so many options have arisen and have been thrown my way. Anything from opening my own business, getting a masters to moving out of state. I am embracing this phase of my life but still hate the fact that I do not have a solid foundation to raise my daughter on. <- This is what makes me scared shitless. This is what keeps me up at night more often then anything else. This is what gets my heart racing in a "not fun" way. This is what gives me anxiety.

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3 Things
1) I am thankful that my dad is a freakin awesome cook
2) I am thankful for the opportunity to play on a softball team with friends
3) I am thankful for a SOLID full nights sleep.

Stuck in reverse

2011-01-19T17:53:00.000-08:00

*Disclaimer: I know that a lot of my posts have been "downers" but I am not depressed, these things have just been on my heart.*

There was a day when I was obsessed with Coldplay. I played their CD over and over. These days I can rarely tolerate them.

Today while driving home, this song came over the radio. Instead of turning it, I just decided to "suffer" through it. Although I believe this song is about a struggling love, this is not what caught my attention. It was the first part, that really struck a nerve with me.

"When you try your best but don't succeed

When you get what you want but not what you need

When you feel so tired but you can't sleep.."

~Coldplay, FixYou

So often I feel like no matter what I do, I can't or won't succeed at it, that I'm a disappointment, that I can't get ahead of the game. I also realize that I spend way too much time getting what I want ~~instant gratification anyone?~~ and not enough time searching out what I need. Most nights/days, I run myself into the ground so I can keep my mind occupied on other things. Yet, I still lay in bed for a bit before I can fall asleep.

I need to learn that the only opinion that really matters (aside from God) is mine. If I am happy and content with my behaviors, actions, choices, opinions, etc, then what does it matter what anyone else thinks. I need to stop being a people please-er ALL the time.

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3 Things
1) I am thankful to be able to stand firm in circumstances that aren't good for me
2) I am thankful for a full nights rest last night (8 hours)
3) I am thankful for "professional development"

Hey Jealousy!

2011-01-18T17:25:00.000-08:00

I struggle with jealousy.
When I'm in a relationship, I become insecure. I become doubtful as to whether or not I'll be able to maintain that relationship. Fearful that they'll find someone else better, newer, etc.

When I was married, the jealousy I had was fostered by inappropriate relationships that The Ex had had as a teenager with other girls. Later on, it was only made worse by an addiction. I was always afraid he'd meet a girl, become emotionally connected to her like he had in the past and leave. In some VERY SMALL aspects, this is what happened. Although he regularly reassured me that he was not, I struggled to believe him. I would get nervous when he'd go out with "untrustworthy" friends. I'd panic when he wouldn't come home or call if he was out past the time he'd say.
I just didn't know how to move on from that feeling. Sometimes I would just ignore it and other times I would ask/confront him about it. He was always honest, I believe, which did reassure me in that moment.

Exploring new friendships and eventual relationships will be a new time for me. I will have to over come the tendency to be jealous. There is no part of me that wants to feel this way and no part of me that wants to place these ill conceived feelings on a friend or possible partner.
Some part of me wonders if this fear of abandonment comes from my childhood. If some how I'm still "dealing" with this issue.
I know I need to give it up to God. Ultimately I just make excuses not to.

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3 Things
1) I am thankful for a fire drill that got me out of school 10 minutes early
2) I am thankful for my brother working out with me last night
3) I am thankful for the new friendships I am continuing to build.

When life gives you lemons

2011-01-17T20:20:00.000-08:00

Life has given me a few lemons lately. BUT I'm making lemonade with them AND it's going to be the best damn lemonade anyone has every had. ;)

It's been an interesting weekend to say the least. I'm learning so much. I'm making the mistakes I need to to grow. I'm making the decisions I need to to become independent, to stand up to The Ex, to become an adult. I'm guarding my heart as much as I see fit.

This week a close friend of mine told me I need to start making decisions for myself or I'm not going to survive the real world. That was harsh, but boy was it an eye opener.

This is going to be an awesome adventure. I can not wait.

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3 Things
1) Today I am thankful for all the time I spent with Z at The Children Museum
2) Today I am thankful for maturity
3) Today I am thankful for my bestest friend, who is getting ready to serve his 3rd tour over seas.

The Importance of DGAF'ing It.

2011-01-16T20:11:00.000-08:00

In college I did it A LOT. I kinda felt like a slob. I'd wake up, roll out of bed, put socks and shoes on and head to work. Sometimes I'd put my hair back and most times I'd brush my teeth. I just didn't care. In New York, I cared. Everyday. I had to. It's Manhattan. When I moved back to Arizona, I fell back into the old habit. Well as much as I could for being a "professional".

My sister, is always well put together. Has her hair done, dresses nicely, make-up on etc. I always admired that about her. She looks so beautiful among other wonderful attributes she has. A few weeks back, I noticed that her hair was straight, unwashed and her make-up wasn't as perfect as usual. I asked her what was going on and she said she was "DGAF'ing it".

DGAF'ING?! WTF is that? :)
Apparently it means I "Don't Give A F**k". So when I say I'm DGAF'ing it, I mean I don't care what I look like, I'm just trying to get through the day.

In college, it was just habit. There was no meaning. I just didn't care what so ever. Had no need to. I was married. I worked full-time and I went to school full-time. I also maintained a house and deep friendships.

After moving back to Arizona, I have slowly grown out of the DGAF'ing phase. I've appreciated coming into my own. Even if it took 8 years. ;)
So, why is it important? There are moments in a person's life when a they just needs to relax. Just be. Just exist. And not have to worry about anything other then her day to day tasks. When I DGAF it, I'm usually making a statement. Usually trying to prove a point to myself. That I can relax. That image isn't everything. That I don't have to be "perfect" all the time. It's an awesome moment these days. Totally too much information, but the times I DGAF it, it's awesome. I don't take a shower for a few days. Just roll out of bed, pull my hair back, brush my teeth and head out the door. This seriously saves me an hour! An hour! That's 7 more hours of sleep a week. Those 7 hours could mean someones life.
Basically, it's good for my soul to DGAF it every once in a while. To NOT give a f**k. I care too much all the other times, not just about myself but everything else in my world. I and you too, deserve to DGAF it every once in a while.

So, in conclusion, DGAF'ING is awesome, necessary and a right. Don't judge people who do it.

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3 Things
1) I am thankful for coworkers allowing me to participate in their practices
2) I am thankful for the opportunity to make my own choices and learn from them
3) I am thankful for my sister, who has taught me a multitude of things

Sweet Disposition

2011-01-16T19:19:00.000-08:00

I remember when I was young I would dream about what my life would be like as an adult. I always envisioned that I would have a sweet, dear husband, who treasured me and talked to me tenderly. I envisioned myself as a sweet women with happiness beaming out of me uncontrollably. Sitting on our rocking chairs on the porch, watching people as they pass by our house. Our disposition would be sweet. Very sweet.

Whenever I hear The Temper Trap's Sweet Disposition, it kind of brings me back to that childhood thought. It makes me analyze my disposition in life. Am I happy? Does it show? If not, what can I do to fix it?

One time, right before our divorce, The Ex and I got into a disagreement about religion. He basically was making fun of me for getting emotionally caught up into Christian worship music. I quickly brought up how he consistently air guitars/drums/sings to his music because he too get's caught up in music. The whole point of music is to evoke emotion.

This song does exactly that for me. Not only that, but it stirs something within me to do better, be better and dream better.

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3 Things
1) I am thankful for honesty among friends
2) I am thankful for pain in relationships
3) I am thankful for my sweet daughter and the 3 years God has given me with her.

When will Jasmine move out? That is the question.

2011-01-12T17:57:00.000-08:00

I know it's not an ideal situation living at home in your parents house with your child. I know that there is growth that needs to happen before I am ready to be an "adult". I know that there is definitely a convenience that comes with living with family, a dependency.

BUT
I need the accountability that my brother and sister offer.
I need the reliability of their words.
I need the perspective.
I need the example.

HOWEVER
I want my own space
I want my own food
I want my own schedule
I want my own freedom
I want the capability to come and go as I please
I want to be able to walk around naked (TMI)
I want to be the only one who disciplines my daughter.
I want to be more aware of what my daughter eats (everyone just feeds her stuff)
I want to cook my own food
I want to buy all the food in my house.
I want to not be embarrassed to invite people over
I want to have parties (I miss Rockband)
I want to pay for my own place
MOST IMPORTANTLY
I want to live on my own for once.

So, my ultimate goal this year was to move out in May. At this point, I'm leaning towards sooner. MAYBE. I so desperately need it, but I'm having a hard time "growing up" as some would say. It's also very purposeful that there are "I want's" and "I need's". Praying that these get solidified in my heart so I can make the right move at the right time.
________________
I was watching Jon Stewart today (the episode talking about the Tucson shootings) and he said this quote:

"someone or something will shatter our world again"

For some reason, these words just felt fitting for my life. I know he didn't mean it for me, but heck, I'll take it when I can get it.

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3 Things
1) Today I am thankful for friends and family that can help me make the appropriate rough choice in life
2) Today I am thankful that I hand the balls to stand up for what I believed is right
3) Today I am thankful for an empty/silent house.

Minimum Requirements

2011-01-11T21:33:00.000-08:00

My sister read Redeeming Love. After she read it, she fell in love with the story. She fell in love with the idea of having one person who cared for you no matter what you did. Who loved you no matter where you came form. It inspired her to write a list of "requirements" for a man to have before she would date them. Like my sister, neither of us view dating as "casual". I have a hard time dating someone just to date them. If I am going to date them, it's going to be because I see the potential for a life partner. (Dating and going on a date are two different things to me)

After my divorce, she has asked and asked for me to read it. I haven't mustered up the courage to do it yet. For some reason I'm afraid. I'll do it one day, I will. But she has encouraged me to write my own list. It didn't take me long to write a few things down. As I am venturing out into dating-hood I am experiencing things I never knew that I wanted and things that I never knew I didn't want. It's always easy to say coming out of my marriage the things that I don't want, so this is definitely a growing list.

*Disclaimer*
1) Don't judge me
2) This is brutally honest
3) In no particular order

Original Date: 1/11/11

Must believe in God
Needs to be close with his family
Enjoy quality time together
Share some of the same interests
Have a great sense of humor
Must be generous
No history of depression
Wants children
Likes to travel -> including day trips
Clean
Active -> Plays sports, exercises etc.
Financially smart, stable and logical
Is a participant in life, not a bystander
Cuddler
Sensitive
Emotionally strong
Supportive
Sarcastic
Tactful
Attractive
Has a career
Is a dreamer
Sets goals and achieves them
Social
Honest
Affectionate
Compassionate/Caring
Intuitive
Has integrity
Loyal
Good listener
Protective
Loves Z
Gets along with my family
Appreciates DIVERSE food.

*Edited 1/17/11

Knows how to cook
Is a safe driver ->because I am not
Frank about issues, doesn't beat around the bush. Get's to the point.
Tender
Relatively clean language

I can easily justify every single one of these to myself and to whoever I end up choosing or not choosing to marry. There is just no need to do that here.

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3 Things
1) I am thankful for my dad's sense of humor: he wanted to make grilled cheese today
2) I am thankful my step mom came home safe from Ca
3) I am thankful Z is NOT getting sick, like I thought she was.

Masters Vs. Desire

2011-01-11T21:01:00.000-08:00

1987

As a child, before my parents got divorced, my mom always made an effort to celebrate my birthday with my classmates. I remember one year in preschool she asked me what kind of cake I wanted. I told her that I wanted it to be purple. She made this beautiful purple cake with a rainbow and My Little Ponies on it. She brought it to school so we could celebrate my birthday. I remember sitting at the table in front of my cake. I had my "BFF" Kyle next to me as well as a turd Travis on the other side. I remember them singing Happy Birthday to me. I remember them cutting the cake up. I remember them handing a slice to Ashley who was so very mean to me and I felt she didn't deserve any of my awesome cake that my "Mommy" had made for ME.

It's memories like these that make me want to stay home with my daughter. Today as I was driving away from her preschool I thought about how lazy I am because I was even DEBATING whether or not to get her anything for her class to celebrate her birthday. That's when the memory of my mom's cake came to mind. I know that if and when (summer time) I am home full-time I am an amazing mother as opposed to just a mother. I want to help her make those precious, life remembering memories.

After the memory faded this morning, I found it kind of funny that I'm getting ready to start my master's but my heart is being pulled to stay home. I'm mentally taking steps to become more disconnected with my child so that I can provide for her by getting my masters, but my heart whispers something "dedicate more time to your daughter, don't be absent, don't half ass this job".

I will be getting something for her class (I'd totally make it, but them days is over!) AND I'm sucking it up and The Ex and I are taking her to Jump Street together on Saturday.
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3 Things
1) I am thankful for my dad who ALWAYS takes care of Z without hesitation
2) I am thankful for a strong up bringing, despite it's draw backs
3) I am thankful for a GOOD teaching day.

Church, God, Faith and Hope

2011-01-09T18:25:00.000-08:00

Hope is all I have most days. Hope that what I want, what I worked for will come true. Hope that my desires will come true. Hope that God and I will reconnect on a deep level again.

Faith is what I try to have in God all the days. I fail at this a lot lately. Taking things into my own hand. Not trusting, not seeking Him out.

God is who I'm missing, who I can't find, who I'm searching for. I don't see Him in nature anymore, or feel him in music or in His Word. Prayer is empty.

Church is a waste of time. After looking for 3 years, I'm about ready to give up. I'm drifting from place to place, can't seem to plug in. Tithing to places that don't directly affect me (is this selfish?), joining small groups that fall apart. I just can't seem to catch a break.

__________________________________________
Here's a recipe I can not wait to try during the summer. Just like the author, I've been guilty of calling people "vanilla" or plain or Plain Jane. BUT this Sweet Vanilla Iced Tea sounds, looks and reads amazingly.

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3 Things
1) I am thankful for a really enjoyable weekend
2) I am thankful for friendships that don't require a lot of maintenance
3) I am thankful for new romances

Over the past 7 years...

2011-01-08T19:30:00.000-08:00

I wouldn't change a thing.

Everything happened the way it was supposed to.
I'm proud of those 7 years
A lot was accomplished
Growth was made
Fun was had
Pain was endured
Life was created
But most of all.....
Every up and down was an amazing experience.

NO regrets
"There are no regrets in life, just lessons." ~Jennifer Aniston
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3 Things
1) I am thankful for my parents (mom AND dad) who ALWAYS cook me food.
2) I am thankful that I have this moment in time to live with with my dad.
3) I am thankful for the "full" sensation I have been able to recognizing.
4) I am thankful for a great night out with dear friends. It's been way too long.

"A Circle's Round..."

2011-01-07T08:37:00.000-08:00

"It has no edge, that’s how long I want to be your friend."

As a child, my Girl Scout troop used to sing this song as our closing. I always valued the fact that friendship is something that shouldn't ever end no matter what. This is also why I struggle letting friendships go. Later on in life I saw this saying symbolized in marriage through the wedding ring. The wedding ring is the visible symbol of this friendship, the commitment and how it's never supposed to end.

*Not actual ring.

Honestly, I was so proud of my wedding rings. The Ex worked extremely hard to buy me a beautiful 1 Ct. Platinum, diamond encrusted engagement ring (it was given to me as a 5 year anniversary present). It's so beautiful, catches the sun just right and looked great against my pale skin.

Now that I'm not married, I am brainstorming what to do with it.

There is a part of me that wants to save it for Z, for when she is ready to get married. I struggle with the idea that she would be wearing a symbol of something that failed ~~or a reminder of someone who gave up~~. However, with the news that Prince William proposed to his fiancé with his mother's engagement ring, I've kind of been thinking about it. They were asked if they felt the ring might be cursed or a bad choice. Their response was basically that it's a beautiful ring, his mom would've wanted this to happen and their marriage has nothing to do with Prince Charles and Princess Diana's marriage.

There's another part of me that would love sell it, since The Ex never bought anything but the best, I can pay for a decent chunk of my masters degree with the money. Because of "our" income, I'm faced with funding issues for my masters. Obviously I will apply for scholarships, but if that does not follow through I'm left taking loans (if I qualify) and saving up.

But a part of me just wants to keep it for myself. I still love it. The meaning is gone. The symbolism no longer exists. The memories are still there, but there's no attachment. It's just so beautiful. It's the nicest piece of jewelry I own. I know one day I'll be given something better by a man who will love me for my values, morals, flaws, family and choices. So in a sense it seems selfish to keep it when there's something better for me "waiting". I also have no idea how to wear it. Clearly it will not be on my left hand, but it looks really silly, and doesn't fit, on my right hand.

What's your opinion? If you've been through a divorce, what did you do with your wedding rings? Were you happy with the choice? If you aren't married or are married, any advice or suggestions?

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3 Things
1) I am thankful for a great PE teacher who lets me constantly participate ~~disrupt~~ in his class.
2) I am thankful for the thousands of opportunities that are arising on a regular basis
3) I am thankful for a weekend "alone".

Blank

2011-01-05T21:34:00.000-08:00

I've sat here for 30 minutes trying to figure out what to write. I'm a bit blank tonight. In a good way.

Came across this today, while talking to a friend. Was a great reminder.

Hebrews 12:7-11 (New International Version, ©2010)

⁷ Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as his children. For what children are not disciplined by their father? ⁸ If you are not disciplined—and everyone undergoes discipline—then you are not legitimate, not true sons and daughters at all. ⁹ Moreover, we have all had human fathers who disciplined us and we respected them for it. How much more should we submit to the Father of spirits and live! ¹⁰ They disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, in order that we may share in his holiness. ¹¹ No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.

__________________________
3 Things
1) I am thankful for free will
2) I am thankful for time to myself
3) I am thankful for friends I can tell anything to.

Today was one of those days.

2011-01-04T20:51:00.000-08:00

I just wanted to crawl up into bed and be held. There's nothing like the warm embrace of someone who cares, who doesn't judge your raw emotions, but just lets you exist in that moment.

There was nothing in particular that set me off. My day itself wasn't awful, average for this year. Just something triggered. A friend of mine asked me how my day was going. Initially, I said good. Then I mentioned that my second hour is really draining, then I realized, I just needed to be held. That affection, that touch, the electricity, the energy, I just yearned for that connection.

At the beginning of the divorce, my friend, E, told me that the nights are the hardest, because this is when you are most alone. I've found this to be so true. I tend to busy myself till exhaustion, then I crawl into bed, read my Bible, journal and pray till I pass out. I'm getting better at it though. The solitude is becoming a relief from the day. A moment of peace, stillness, honesty and reflection. ~~Kha would be so proud to hear this.~~

---
Again, I'm realizing how important it is to have people around you who have known you FOREVER. My best friend and his wife are in town visiting. I went to dinner with them. As I'm explaining to him what is going on in my life, he (he's the original friend) acts like it's nothing new. Like this is just who Jasmine is. Silently reiterating that it's ok to have moved on and to not have any connection with The Ex, to explore possibilities, to be nearly ready to find someone else.
My friends from work have only known me for 3 years. Since I've been a mom only with The Ex. They don't know anything about the Jasmine in high school or the Jasmine in college. This is ok, it's just a realization I'm coming to.
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3 Things
1) Thankful that I could see my best friend. I miss him dearly
2) Thankful that he married an amazing girl that I like. (it can be difficult when you don't get along with "the wife" ;))
3) Thankful for open communication *most the time* with The Ex.

I had a witty title, but can't remember it now. Habit.

2011-01-03T20:08:00.000-08:00

There are habits you get into, when you live with someone for 7 plus years.
1) I can't sleep on the "other" side of the bed. Even when I share a bed with my sister or something. It's gotta be THAT side.
2) I need something next to me when I sleep at night. Lately I've been setteling for a pillow. :'( Can't wait for it to be a permanent warm body.
3) Calling him "Babe". Boy is that a habit that needs to be broken, 13 years...
4) Not looking at my finances (He handled them)
5) Cooking for an army. I don't cook a lot now, but when I do, I have major cooking portion control issues. :)
6) Consideration. Every time I'm asked to go somewhere, there is a gut instinct to say "wait, I've gotta check first".. thankfully I've never acted on this one yet.
7) Driving down Miller towards my house
8) Just walking into his mothers house
9) The urge to watch our tv shows at night before bed (Rescue Me was/is a great series!)
10) Turning around sometimes, expecting the conversationalist to be there.
*Don't get me wrong, I'm some what lonely. I don't miss HIM per say, I miss the companionship, the routine, the safety and security.

BUT there are habits, you quickly break
1) Saving closet space for him
2) Cleaning.. odd, but yes, my room is littered now.
3) Saving counter space and shower space for him with all my cosmetics, lotions and soaps.
4) How I spend my money
5) Where I go, who I go with and when I go.
6) Feeling guilty about going to church, participating in church activities and tithing
7) Wanting to get my masters, but knowing the sacrifice of time is too much for him.
8) Not exercising because I know he has work to do and can't watch Z
9) Restraining my flirtatious personality
10) Not believing in myself.

AND there are habits that stay the same
1) I'm still a remote hog (when I do watch tv)
2) I still am a dreamer
3) I'm still a wander
4) I still want more kids
5) I still want to be married, or get married as it is
6) I'm still as sarcastic as ever.
7) I still love God
8) I'm still controlling
9) I'm still a smart ass
10) I still go crazy sometimes.

It's interesting to see where life takes you when things change drastically in your life.

The unfortunate thing about this world is that good habits are so much easier to give up than bad ones. ~Somerset Maugham_____________________________________________
Food time!
Even though I've lost a lot of weight and I have cut back on the quantity I eat, I'm still obsessed with food. I came across this article, describing Foodies. When I read it, I immediately related to it and thought of a few others who did, including: MJ's Take on the World.

Last night, my brother Kha, requested I make Grilled Cheese Sandwiches. I made them once for the kids while my parents were in Vietnam. When my parents heard that request, they were 1) disgusted and 2) laughed at us for talking about how amazing they were.
So today I headed to Frys and bought some tomato soup (the good kind), Gouda, sharp cheddar, mozzarella, tomatoes, basil, Havarti and Munster cheese. I also purchased sourdough and whole wheat bread. I made random combination of sandwiches but the biggest hits (not surprisingly) were the caprese grilled cheeses: Sourdough bread, Mozzarella cheese, tomatoes and basil. SO DELICIOUS!
My parents praised me for how good they were. It was nice to see them "eat" their words.

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3 Things
1) I am so very thankful that my kids were excited to see me today.
2) I am thankful for the time I FORCED myself to spend with God last night. It was so rewarding
3) I am thankful for a car (that although I hate most the time) get's awesome gas mileage. Especially with how crazy I drive.

One Moment At A Time

2011-01-02T19:47:00.000-08:00

It's been a while since I've posted, with good reason. I am going through a divorce. The "Big D". I have many things to say about it and a lot of opinions on the issues that broke my marriage up, but 1) those who need to know the details know the details and 2) there's nothing I can do to change it.

I struggled with letting the marriage go. After 2 months of "seperation" (he had filed papers already) I realized there was no way I could do anything to save it. Only God could and God can choose not to let the marriage succeed. I also knew that my Ex was in no way aligned with God. Therefore God could not intervien on his part if He wanted to.

My friends have been an integeral part of this whole transition. My co-workers at school have really been invaluable. It is so true that you never know who your friends are until you go through something tramatic. People I thought wouldn't care really stepped up. They took me under their wings, got me involved, took me out, talked with me, cried with me, prayed with me, held me and let me sleep over when I couldn't handle it. My family, specifically my sister has been awesome. They are non-judgmental and really have let me learn things myself while talking things through. There are so many other friends, close and far away, who have done amazing things for me. I am so amazingly thankful for the people I have surrounding me in my life. I have such a great support system.

So since Halloween (isn't this ironic) I have been enjoying single life. There are moments when I wish he would change his mind, but in the long shot, I would never turn back to that. I am so much happier, fit, healthier, livelier then I have been in a very long time. I would've stayed in my marriage like that forever. I am a serial monogomist, but I'm thankful in some respects that this opportunity has a risen for me to step out of my "comfort" zone and grow into an individual. Some people have criticized me saying that I've moved on too fast. Others realize who I really am and how quickly I recover and how I refuse to let things get me down and understand that, this is just the way I function.

Today I was sitting in church and the pastor was talking about how 2010 was an awful year for many of the people in the congregation. My friend also posted on her FB status how she was so thankful that 2010 was over because it was the worst year of her life (she too went through a divorce). With these two statements happening so closely together, I thought to myself, was 2010 awful? Was it really THAT awful? My answer is NO, it wasn't that awful. I kind of feel bad for not feeling like it was that awful. I mean, it was, but it wasn't.
I still have so much to be thankful for in this past year:


Ugly Sweater contest sans 43lbs

1) My daughter's health has dierasticly improved since she got tubes put in
2) My ex isn't being a douch bag about my terms of the divorce (although he wanted it, I have set limits)
3) I have my own health <- Since doing the HCG diet, I have lost a total of 43 pounds.
4) I have a job that I enjoy most the time, I have co-workers that I'm crazy about and students that I mostly love
5) My family is so freakin awesome! You forget how important they are until you really need them
6) God hasn't given me more then I can endure, and even though I'm pissed at Him and am really struggling to hear his voice, I know He cares and will get me through this
~~Don't get me wrong, there were a lot of crappy things that happend:~~
~~1) Divorce~~
~~2) Ruined credit score~~
~~3) Realization I can not afford to live on my own on just a teachers salary.~~
But all those can change for the better and will. My head is held high and I will survive and become strong and smart because of these things.

2011
1) Sky dive
2) Go on a legit date, with a gentleman, who I like <- I know that sounds bad, but I want to like them, not just go out on a date.
3) Start my masters, or taking steps to start my masters
4) Pay off a large chunk of my student loans <- which is kinda silly, if I'm getting my masters, so I may have to re-evaluate this one
5) Continue to live w/o a credit card
6) Stay up all night with my sister giggling
7) Spend quality time with my brother
8) Work out 3-4 times a week <- I have a goal of comfortablly wearing a bikini this summer
9) Reading my Bible consistently 3-4 times a week
10) Praying w/o drifting everyday <-the habit of prayer typically comes easy to me, but I have struggled with this one for a while
11) Eat a type of food I have never tried before <- Any suggestions?
12) Give once a week to a random person
13) Spend quality (not quantity) time with my daughter
14) Go to the park with Z and The Ex for the sake of Z
15) Go on a hot balloon ride
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3 Things
1) Today I am thankful for honesty in friendships and budding relationships
2) Today I am thankful for a respectful attitude towards The Ex and vise versa
3) Today I am thankful for the fact that I had 2 weeks off for Christmas Break

3 Things

2010-07-29T21:53:00.000-07:00

3 Things
1) Today I am thankful for co-workers that kept me entertained all throughout a very boring conference.
2) Today I am thankful for loosing almost 20lbs and not being afraid to have a "cheat day"
3) Today I am thankful for my daughter being so ornery. It's really fun sometimes.

Last day of freedom and 3 things

2010-07-28T21:02:00.000-07:00

Last day of freedom
Today is my last day of freedom. Tomorrow I head back to "school". I say "school" because 1) I will actually be at a professional development lecture and 2) we won't actually have kids till Wednesday. I spent today with my daughter and a friend and his son. Aaron and I also spent some time together and took Z to Target after dinner for a "walk".

Here are the highlights from my summer:

1. NYC
2. Mexican Cruise
3. Copious amounts of time with my daughter
4. Said daughter is 99% potty trained
5. Got to hang out a lot with friends and coworkers
6. Attended my friends wedding
7. Baked a lot of good recipes
8. Re-connected with a lot of friends on Facebook
9. Started to re-align myself with God
10. Lost nearly 20lbs (granted I had gained 10 on my two week vacation)

Things I will do differently next summer

1. Instead of sitting on the computer during Z's nap time, I would like to read
2. Bake 3 times a week
3. Keep up with my garden more
4. See, in person, my friends more
5. NOT travel, as to save for our 10 year anniversary (we would like to take a 2-3 week vacation of Europe)
6. Invest more attention in Z
7. MAYBE not worry about the house as much
8. Get out of the house to do fun things with Z at least 3 times a week
9. Scrapbook, summers are the only time I get to, and I didn't at all this summer
10. MAYBE find a way to earn a bit of cash for the summer

This school year will be way different then what I've come to expect over the last 2 years. Why? Because I will be teaching 7th and 8th grade science. I've never taught 8th grade science. I really hope I can prove that this was the right desicion for the principal. I have a lot to live up to and a lot to imporve on. I am so nervous that I dropped being the "head" of a committee I loved because I want to be able to focus more on the "new" subject I'm teaching. We shall see how it turns out.

3 Things
1) Today I am thankful for having 8 weeks off every summer. What a great job I have.
2) Today I am thankful for Aaron getting done with work early and spending it all with us.
3) Today I am thankful for new friendships that will hopefully grow into a tight bond.

A lost friend, cookies and 3 thing

2010-07-26T21:58:00.000-07:00

     I sometimes wonder what it takes for a friendship to be over. I tend to hold onto a relationship for as long as I can regardless of whether or not it's recipricated. Within the last year I've really come to realize this. I had a dear friend who I went to high school and college with. We were nearly inseperable in college. We did so much together and so much for each other. When Aaron and I moved to NYC, I called EVERY single weekend to talk to her. On the rare occassions I didn't call, she never bothered to call me or what not. I never thought much of it. When Aaron and I moved back home, we saw each other once. I made a mental note that I would not go out of my way to stay in contact with her since she was not putting the effort in. So, we didn't speak for nearly a year.
   Within that year, my family got burned by the church we were attending, we lost some dear friends because we chose not to go to that church and my husband decided he did not believe in God anymore. All through this, not one phone call just to see how things were going BUT I never bothered calling her either. Finally we ran into each other at Target and her excuse was that she was busy. Ok, I understand that. We do live almost 45 minutes away from each other.
    So we vowed to try to get together more often. I called on multiple occassions trying to plan something out. Nothing every came of it. She has yet to call me to try to get anything together. She's gone on vacation right now to NYC. She has spoken and communicated with many other friends while in NYC but not me.
   I guess I just thought we had a real friendship that would last forever. That we'd always be tehre for each other. That when I point blank tell her I need her friendship right now, she'd be there. I was wrong.
   I am learning more and more as I grow older, that friendships aren't always solid. Sometimes they are friendships of convienence. And this is ok, I just need to remind myself of that.
   I do have some very very very dear friends who no matter where I travel, we stay in touch. I am thankful for them.

    OK, I had to get that off my heart, cuz it was kind of heavy laying there.

So tonight I once again made those TO DIE FOR chocolate chip cookies. This time, I doubled the recipe and added peanut butter chips as well as a bit of almond flavoring. YUMMY!! I can not recommend this recipe highly enough.

3 Things
1) Today I am thankful for co-workers who care enough to take time out of their NON-work day to work
2) Today I am thankful for an amazing daughter God has entrusted me with. She made me smile so much today.
3) Today I am thankful for a God who provides me with what I need

Mayan Chocolate Ice Cream

2010-07-26T10:13:00.001-07:00

This was given to me by my friend Sarah. She did this w/o an ice cream maker (which I do not have) I am so looking forward to trying this.

In a double broiler (or create a makeshift double broiler by placing a medium glass bowl over a pot of simmering water): whisk together 3 cups of half and half, 1/2 cup cocoa powder and 10- 12 oz dark chocolate (or semi-sweet chocolate)...until all is melted. Then, take the bowl off the stove and add 2 ts (or more) vanilla or almond extract (I used my homemade stuff; vanilla pods extracted in rum), a couple teaspoons of cinnamon... and however much cayenne pepper that you think you can take (I dumped in a bunch). Set this aside.

In a different (large) bowl, whisk together 2/3 cup sugar, 2 pinches of salt and 10 egg yolks.

In another saucepan, simmer 3 more cups of half and half (it will be warm, but not too hot. You should be able to stick your finger in the liquid without swearing...). Now, you will be tempering the eggs (which will be a bit tricky). Basically, you do not want your eggs to solidify. You have to pour the warm half and half ever so slowly into the egg and sugar mixture ...while whisking. Whisk with vigor!

Now, you can pour the egg mixture into the saucepan...and simmer again. Whisk the whole time. Your custard should get thick enough to coat the back of a spoon (the temp. will be around 170*). It will feel heavy and smell wonderful.

The chocolate mixture, the egg-custard mixture and a bunch of chopped almonds should be mixed together at this point(but only if everything is completely smooth with no globs of egg floating around in your ice cream-to-be). If you have the globby egg problem, pour your custard into a bowl through a sieve to remove the unsightly intruders. But you shouldn't have to deal with the issue in the first place, so do not worry.

Set the unified mixture in an ice-bath for 15 minutes (to cool it down quickly).
Then, stick it in the fridge to chill for 3 hrs before sticking it in the ice cream maker. Or ignore the ice cream maker and freeze it in a tubberware container (in the back of the freezer). I suggest that you just ignore the ice cream maker. Why create more dishes for yourself?

This recipe makes 2 quarts (so, yoiu might want to share with at least one other person...).

Enjoy the creamy ice cream with a kick of chili pepper!

Salt, recipe review and 3 things

2010-07-24T22:30:00.000-07:00

Tonight the hubby and I say SALT. It was way better then both of us thought. I recommend it.

On Friday, I made this S'mores Pie for a party I was attending. First off, I used a 9x12 pan instead of a pie tin. Fail number 1. Then, I let the whole pie sit for too long. Fail number 2. Since I used the 9x12 pan, people were too intimidated to eat it, so we had a whole crap load leftover. Fail number 3. In all honesty, I didn't really care for the recipe as much as I thought I would. I probably won't make it again. BUT I am anxious to try this one.

3 Things
1) I am thankful for having some amazing friends who take care of me no matter what.
2) I am thankful for a day well spent with my husband
3) I am thankful for open and honest discussion about my husbands religious "de-conversion" as he calls it.

3 Things Real Quick

2010-07-22T21:02:00.000-07:00

*Life has been hectic here as of late. Finally getting back to work and still running around with Z. Excuse the spiratic posts for a bit please.

1) I am thankful for grandparents who are always willing to take Z for a few days
2) I am thankful for a co-worker who drug my butt to school to force me to work in the classroom
3) I am thankful for a team of co-workers who really get along and desire to be on the same page.

Family, cookies and 3 Things

2010-07-19T22:55:00.000-07:00

Today my step-cousins came into town. My dad and my step mom have been married for almost 10 years. I can not have fathomed a more wonderful Step-Mother. Along with her, came her 11 brothers and sisters. I am for ever thankful that my family (me, Aaron and Z) and them get along really well. So, they let their children, The Cousins, drive into Phx and spend time with my sister K. I'm spending the next few days in Phx at my dad's house with them. Usually The Cousins include the boy AND girl cousins. This time however, since my brothers are out of town (one is actually in The Czech on a 3 month mission trip/internship) just the girls came. The Cousins will definitely go shopping, eat and laugh a lot. They are so fun.

I've been waiting to try out a "new recipe" for some chocolate chip cookies that I found at Serious Eats. It's not necessarily a new recipe in the fact it adds different ingredients, but it uses the same ingredients from Tollhouse and tweeks them. Anyways, I figured now would be a good time to try it out since they were here and are not on the crazy diet I am on. Here's what I did:
1) I caramelized the brown sugar and butter
2) The recipe calls for 2 full eggs, instead I used 1 whole egg and 1 egg yoke
3) Used a much larger scoop
All this together has seriously created THE BEST chocolate chip cookie I have every had.

_________________________________
Thankful Fors:
1) I am thankful for an extended family that is fun to hang out with and really embraces our God
2) I am thankful for a husband who works hard and takes time off just to eat dinner with my family
3) I am thankful for Z using going on the toilet EVERY TIME today.

Away for the weekend...

2010-07-18T20:10:00.000-07:00

That's why I've missed a few "thankful fors", so here are mine for Sunday:

1) I am thankful for a family, no matter how irritated I get with them.
2) I am thankful for a daughter, who no matter how ornery she is, will always capture my heart
3) I am thankful for forcing myself to go to church today. Although I do not like the church I attended, it did have a message that fed a part of my spirit.

Simple and Short: 3 or 4Things

2010-07-15T20:03:00.000-07:00

1) Today I am thankful for a friend who I can speak to freely and not worry about her judging me.

2) Today I am thankful for a husband who has worked till 10pm the last two nights (missing dinner with my family and not being able to say goodbye to his daughter) to make our dreams come true.

3) Today I am thankful for a "free" day, where I could do whatever I wanted.

4) Today I am thankful for God, and knowing I can take refuge in his mercy and grace.

God really does have an odd sense of humor.

2010-07-14T22:20:00.000-07:00

This past weekend Aaron took off to go visit some friends in Oregon. I took the opportunity to head up to Flagstaff to see a dear friend get married. While there, it was some what of a reunion for a lot of my dear, close, christian friends who I do not get to see often enough, worship with ever and live life with. Boy was I in for a treat.
Not only was I put to work right as I got to my friends house, but I worked long hours. It's ok though, because 1) I was in awesome company and 2) the wedding turned out beautiful and I will forever be a part of it. So needless to say, Friday and Saturday morning were VERY hectic.
The wedding took place Saturday at 6pm. It had rained pretty much all day and stopped just in time for the wedding. God is awesome huh? Always knows what we need. Didn't end up at home till after 11pm.
Sunday we headed back to the house for a time of worship and spending some time in the Word.

I have to tell you that it has been a very long time since I have been with all these people worshiping together. God really knew our hearts and met us there. I believe He really touched everyone of us. It was so amazing to be reminded that "church" can be anywhere with anyone and that I have amazing friends who care about me and know my heart. I left feeling more refreshed and secure in my faith then I have felt since leaving NYC (3 years if you're counting, I am).
I titled this post "God really does have an odd sense of humor" because I find it really hilarious that 1) despite the fact of going to dozens of churches of the last few years I haven't EVER felt the awe and power of God unless with these people and 2) that it takes these people to be around me and to worship with me to be reminded of how great He is. Why can't He just let me feel like that all the time? It's not like I haven't been looking for it or asking for it etc. :) I'm not mad, just think it's funny.

Because I have to talk about food, I wanted to let you know that I made these "Zesty Lemon Cookies" but with lime that was left over from the wedding. They were outrageously good!

Recently I've come across this blog, and would like to try writing three things I am thankful for. Aaron and I used to do this as a husband and wife thing, but ever since he stopped believing in God, we've kind of drifted from it. So, I will pick it up here. :) I think it will be a good reminder for me to remember what is important and that I am provided for in every aspect of my life. So here goes:

1) I am thankful for a husband who works extra hard to provide for all of our dreams.
2) I am thankful for a healthy daughter who has defied they odds (she was a preemie and they weren't quite sure for a bit)
3) I am thankful for a diverse set of friends, some who are believers and some who are not, who know me and love me despite how "whacked" I may be. :)
______________________________________________

What are some things you are thankful for today?

Also, technical help needed, if someone can tell me how to "reply" to a comment rather then adding an additional comment, you'd be a life save. Thanks!

Recipes I'm dieing to try or tried and LOVED

2010-07-01T20:34:00.000-07:00

It's summer time and let's face it, anything light and citrus-y sounds refreshing and cool. I came across this Zesty Lemon Cookie recipe while reading Laura's blog at Real Mom Kitchen. I baked these cookies while my daughter slept and it was easy! Not only that, but the aroma that was coming form my oven was so amazing I was fearful that it might wake my daughter out of her afternoon slumber.

That same day, I came across the serious eats website and found this Baba Ghanoush recipe. I've always be intimidated by it and would shy away from it when we lived in NYC, but I've had Baba Ghanoush once before in a restaurant (in AZ) and am not quite sure how authentic it was, so I wanted to give this recipe a whirl. Boy was I not disappointed. Unfortunately I did not have any way to char the eggplant, so I just skipped to the next step. I ended up roasting a whole thing of garlic in the oven at the same time as the eggplant and used that in the mix. I also used one whole raw garlic. By the time it was said and done, it was a bit too garlicky because I had a small eggplant, so the ration was off. BUT it was still splendid! Again, this recipe was super easy.

Since I've been taking HCG for almost 2 weeks, I have not been able to eat anything "decedent" so, I have resorted to live this dream out via food blogs. Over the last two weeks, I have found some amazing blogs and come across some amazing recipes that I ~~could gobble up right now~~ CAN NOT WAIT TO. With out further adieu....

1) Chocolate Loaf Cake: O-M-GEE!!! I am obsessed with anything chocolate. The description the blog gives literally makes me salivate. ~~I do not care how ugly~~ I love how rustic this cake looks and I KNOW it will taste D-LISH!!

2) Billie's Italian Cream Cake: I have to admit, I've been reading The Pioneer Woman's blog for a while know. I've loved her posts about her beloved cows that hang out on the porch, but I was really intrigued by this recipe. I love all the layers the cake has and the fact I could see this cake being dressed very casually or being fancied up by it's baker.

3)Blueberry French Toast Bake: This dish sounds so yummy! There is absolutely nothing wrong with having breakfast for dinner right? eat at home has a wonderful blog that helps ~~families~~ me to keep the spark alive between the kitchen and I. I quite frequently find myself wanting to dine out simple for the diversity it can offer. I specifically love how the author takes photos of the ingredients and the dish.

4) Chocolate Idiot Cake: Again, with the chocolate obsession. With words like: silky, rich and ganache, I could not resist. Although cakes are not my forte, I feel like I could make this no problems, hence the name.

5) Blackberry Cobbler #1: Again, I'm telling you The Pioneer Woman has it going on. It's summer time, what's there not to LOVE about berries. I know around these parts, berries are on sale left and right. In this recipe she shows, through pictures, step by step directions for this yummy berry cobbler. At the bottom she has an easy printable version as well. *This recipe could easily be substituted for any berry and/or peaches. YUMMY!

6) S'mores Pie and Peanut Butter Cookie Pudding: You can tell I frequent several blogs on a regular basis. These last two recipes were posted today by eat at home. The pictures alone make me want to reach through my computer into her home and gobble thes both up. I think they could be FABULOUS together. What do you think?

___________________________
What recipes are you dieing to try?
What is a staple recipe in your household?

MIA

2010-06-29T15:46:00.000-07:00

Sorry I have been gone for so long. Life sure gets in the way sometimes. I hope you excuse my absence.

While I was gone I have:
-Finished my 3rd year of teaching Jr. High
-Spent one week ~~gaining 7 lbs~~ on a cruise through Mexico
-Spent one week ~~gaining nothing~~ in NYC
-Babysat a dear friends daughter
-Slowly eased back into being a stay at home mom (for the summer)
-Lost 10lbs through Red Mountain Med Spa, using Releana, and I'm only on my second week. I have 2 more to go!
-Became obsessed with cooking, food and anything that involves it. :)
-Got really excited about the hubby and I's 10 year anniversary honeymoon.

Here's what we did on our cruise:
We departed for LA and spent 7 awesome days on the ocean. Our first stop was Cabo San Lucus. Aaron did a Zip Line excursion and loved every minute of it. Z and I did a tour that was out of this world. From there we headed to Mazatlan where we all took a tour and enjoyed the scenery. Our last port of call was Puerta Vallarta. We got off the boat and just wandered around for several hours. At all three stops we ate Mexican food at a local restaurant. Their food is unparalleled to what I would call "Mexican" food here in The States.
When we were on the boat, we spent a lot of time switching parent duty while Z napped or walking around. Unfortunately it was freezing on deck while we were at sea and did not once get to enjoy the pool on deck. We caught a few shows and gambled a lot.
_________________________________
Here's what we did in NYC:
FOOD:
S'Mac: Aaron had the 4 Cheese, I had Parisienne. After we ate, we realized we could get the sampler. FAIL, but good.
Bar Pitti: I love this place!
Noodle Bar: Aaron got some hot noodle dish (obviously) and I got the duck soup.Very yummy.
Sushi Azabu: we both had the CHEF'S OMAKASE COURSE which was out of this world!
Max Brenner: after sushi, we walked ~~so we could eat the desserts~~ there and we both ordered a drink and dessert. This place blows my mind every time.
Fiddle Sticks: their macaroni and cheese is to die for!
Virgils BBQ: Their food was ok.
Roxy Delicatessen: we ate dessert here one night in honor of our friend Roxy.
Station Cafe: we met my friend for breakfast in Brooklyn to eat at her favorite diner.
President Cheese: my friends husband works for them. They always have cheese around the house. We ate a lot of the Le Petite Basque. YUMMY!
Pasticceria Rocco: this place always has wonderful desserts in their window. Always made my mouth water when I would walk by it.
Royal Siam Thai Cuisine: was ok, can never make their food as spicy as in AZ.
Yuca Bar: this place was awesome. Although it was loud at times and the bathrooms were horrid, the food was amazing.
Crumbs Bake Shop: when I worked at the Village Preschool Center, parents often times brought in cupcakes for their kids birthdays. Billy, my co-worker and friend we were staying with told us that there were a few new cupcakes places that popped up. So we dropped by and were not disappointed. Although everyone was full from eating at Yuca Bar, we still got three cupcakes and split them.
Big Daddy Diner: we went to church at Forefront, then headed to lunch with our friend. This place was AWESOME! Not only that, but Aaron left his "business" card for Ingestion Digest and the owner e-mailed Aaron wanting to know his experience. How cool was that?
Ess-a-Bagel: although I realize everyone has their own opinion on what the best bagel is in NYC, we really love this place. Their bagels are fresh, chewy and hearty!
ACTIVITIES:
American Museum of Natural History
Visited me co-workers at Village Preschool Center
Saw Wicked
Visited The Diamond District
Visited 30 Rock, Nintendo, Rockefeller center etc.
And a bunch of other things I can't remember. It rained a lot, but despite the rain, we walked everywhere. Because we were bunking down with Billy in his studio apartment in Brooklyn, we stayed in the city for 12+ hours per day.

This trip was awesome. Although my heart still tugs to live in NYC, I now know it is not the place for me. I had a blast and can not wait to go back.
______________________________
If you haven't noticed, Ingestion Digest is my husbands "blog". He photographs every meal he eats. He started this last year and is doing it for one full year. You can take a look HERE. Don't judge my home cooked meals. Also, if you look back through out the blog, you can notice his different eating trends. FUN!

9 days and counting...

2010-05-10T19:38:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow I will officially have 9 days left in school. There is so much left to do. My brain is so exhausted as is my body; the kids are crazy and restless. It is crazy for me to start a new unit, but I did. Despite this, I am looking forward to my summer. As soon as school lets out, I get to spend one javascript:void(0)full week with my baby girl at home, being a SAHM. After that, we pack up and are taking our first "REAL" family vacation. A 7 day Mexican cruise. My dad was gracious enough to book our room, which will include a crib (so I am told). I am super excited, but the more I think about it, the more I'm getting nervous. My daughter just got tubes in her ears. She CAN NOT get water in them. I'm so afraid that while in the pool, she'll get soaked from head to toe, as any 2 year old should. Only, this time, the water will hurt her tiny ears. My husband on the other hand, is getting nervous that she'll "jump" overboard. Although the railings are 12 feet high in some places, he pointed out to me, ever so gently, that there are gaps between railings. We shall see right? Upon returning from Mexico, we have 24 hours before Aaron and I leave for NYC. YOU CAN NOT BELIEVE how EXCITED I am. I LOVE NEW YORK CITY! We lived there for a year, which was way too short, and this is our first time coming back. So, we'll be there for 5 days. Then we're back for a few weeks and for the Fourth of July (my birthday) we're headed to Laughlin to spend with his grandparents. So, needless to say, I will have a busy weekend.

These last few weeks have been busy and crazy. Aaron and I went to the Pen and Teller show this past weekend and stopped in at SweetCakes , which was awesome. :) Still dreaming about the butterscotch and oatmeal cookies. :)

I had a wonderful Mother's Day too. This is the first year I didn't expect anything and got some sweet cards and flowers from Zephyr and Aaron. I'm definitely a lucky gal. :)

Last night we did a PX90 workout. It's the second we've done, and boy is it a good work out. I really do enjoy it. Definitely is a lot of work and I'm not one to sweat, but boy do I sweat!

Checking In

2010-04-19T20:26:00.000-07:00

Hello there!
This past week as been a crazy one. Z is headed into the hospital on Wednesday to get tubs put into her ears. Aaron will be going with her, as I have to work. It should be interesting. :)
Last week I caught 2 kids making out at school and called parents. Ever since then, they have been mad at me. Worst part is, they've drug their whole class into it. So, come second hour, I've got 20 or so angry 7th graders staring at me.
This week is Earth week, with Earth Day being on Thursday. I have planned a whole week worth of stuff for my kids to watch and discuss about. Everything from sustainability to truly protecting endangered species. Should be interesting what their view points are at the end of the unit. It is very hard trying to teach something as unbiased as possible, but I will do it. I also find it interesting that Earthday.org acknowledges Global Warming as a theory/fact while a lot of other scientist do not. What's your opinion?
I've started doing NFP this past month. It is interesting to see the temperature readings i'm getting. they are kinda everywhere so far. Anyone out there use this method?
I have been finding A LOT of awesome recipes especially vegetarian recipes. Aaron recently decided we was going try to go veggie as much as possible. so in an effort to help him, I've been trying to do my part and cook meals that are fitting.

Below are a few websites i've browsed and found things i've liked or am going to try soon:
Fish Tacos with Chipotle sauce
Lentil Tacos
Warm and Nutty Cinnimon Quinoa: I'm still intimidated by quinoa. Any suggestions?
Golden-Crusted Brussel Sprouts: Really, I LOVE brussel sprouts.
Crockpot Applesauce: I actually used 1 T of brown sugar and added 1 T of Butter... so yummy. Of course you can add any spices to your liking.

I've have gone to church the last two Sundays. My friend is attending a church and asked me to go with her. The message is a four part message about how we can defend our faith to those who don't have faith through SCIENCE!!! This is just what i needed to learn to talk to Aaron about it. He always asks me "where is the science to prove God exists" so, now, I have something. I am really excited to go the next two weeks and even more, I am excited to go back to church. I think this might be a start to something. I'm optimistic.

What's in your stomach?

2010-04-11T14:48:00.000-07:00

If you know me in person, you will know I am one passionate person for food. If you've ever discussed with me the choice I make regarding where and when I buy my food you will know that I am very sick and tired of the standard fruits/veggies and meat that our society concumes. It really sickens me the way we have taught our chidlren and my generation to eat. I really desire for there to cleaner, sustainable,nutritionally rich, seasonally eaten, local foods around. We are definately a people who want things now no matter what the price is.
While hoping around and partying at the Ultimate Blog Party '10 I came across this website: thelocalcook.com.
She is doing things all local and in season. That means if tomatoes aren't in season, she isn't cooking them or eating them. She has also started "The Food and Faith Challenge" , which is seriously awesome. She is challenging people to live life a certain way.

If you are interested in consuming food sustainable, I highly recommend this book: Animal, Vegetable, Miracle by Barbara Kingsolver
Barbara moves her family from Tucson to a small farming community. She writes her true story of how her family survived one full year eating homegrown or locally grown food and in season food. Again, I highly recommend reading this book. It gives a lot of insight on how difficult of a job a farmer can have, how spoiled we have become and how nutritionally depleted our diets are. It is a definite eye opener.

Eating locally and in season are not just great ways to help "save our Earth" BUT it also provides our bodies with food that is nutritionally rich as opposed to a vegetable that was grown specifically because it either has great appearance, long shelf life or holds up well during a 1,000+ mile journey from farm to grocery store.

Ultimate Blog Party 2010

2010-04-09T16:29:00.000-07:00

If you're stopping by for the first time because of the UPB'10 I just want to say thanks! I am totally new to this blogging thing and decided to try it out as I'm looking to meet some new people out here on the interwebs. :)

Let's start with a little about me.
My name is Jasmine, I am 25 years old have been married for 6 1/2 years and have a 2 year old daughter named Zephyr. I teach 7th grade science and LOVE every moment of it. I was born and raised in Glendale Arizona. I moved up to Flagstaff to go to Northern Arizona University where I graduated from. From there my hubby got a job at the now defunct Bear Stearns in Manhattan. We lived there for one year before I became pregnant with our daughter. We immediately moved back to Arizona thinking that being closer to family would be better for our NEW family. Boy were we wrong. We've lived in Arizona for the last two years and quite honestly I can not wait to leave. The only problem is we can't figure out where to go. :)

I originally started this blog because I had lost some deep/serious/long-term friendships to silly high school stuff and was deeply hurt by that. My husband also "deconverted" from Christianity (as he calls it) at the same time, really leaving me alone in my faith and my grief of these friendships. I really needed a place to vent and cry out the someone or anyone who would read. Since then, not much has really changed, but I am learning to cope with what has gone on in my life and am looking to build new friendships that I hope will last a long time.

Let's end with a little about you.
Please leave a comment letting me know who you are and what your favorite Crayola Crayon shade is.

Who me?

2010-04-07T20:33:00.000-07:00

Most of you don't know that I am a 7th grade science teacher. This year is my second year teaching science, my third year teaching junior high and my 4th year teaching. Last year was a huge struggle. The kids didn't like me, didn't want to learn and had no support at home. This year however, the kids LOVE me and some if not most want to learn/enjoy science.
So needless to say this year has been AWESOME! I have enjoyed my kids, being head of yearbook and the school social committee. It's been a lot of work, but I've managed to not take any "homework" home this year. I arrive at work at 7am and leave at 4pm. Definitely not that bad. So today, during our professional development I was honored by my principal for being "The-teacher-of-the-year". SO AWESOME! I was really not expecting it but am greatly honored to have received it. I do also feel a bit guilty as I know that a lot of other teachers work way harder then me. And honestly, we are all a team and work together to achieve one goal.

So, what a great day!

Blog Party '10

2010-04-07T20:23:00.000-07:00

I'm super excited to be apart of this party out here in the blogosphere. :) This is a great opportunity for me and anyother blogger to get to know each other and connect. I am so excited to be apart of this. If you want more information, please visit 5 minutes for mom.

OB appointment

2010-04-02T16:31:00.000-07:00

Went for my annual well women check up today. Mentioned that we were trying to conceive a baby.
She basically told me i need to have sex during specific times and that if it doesn't work in a few months to come back.

She also made me take pregnancy test, which came out negative. I was surprisingly disappointed. It's only been 7 months, but last time we got pregnant I was on birth control, so I suppose I was expecting things to happen a lot quicker. It's also hard because a lot of my female friends are pregnant, one of which wasn't even trying.

My husband has decided he will take anti-anxiety and anti-depressant medication prescribed to him by his doctors after he described chest pain that would for 30 mins periods sometimes. I'm very disappointed in this choice. I just feel like he should be trying other things first before jumping straight in.

I do complain a lot, but I really just need some friends to talk to. :)

full circle?

2010-04-01T21:50:00.000-07:00

been pondering my relationship with god. definitely know I'm not where i NEED to be, but I'm finally feeling ready to get where i need to be. every day is still a deep sorrow for the loss of my husbands faith. I know i will grow and things will get better. it's very hard waiting for me.

we've been trying to get pregnant for 6 months. no luck. everyone else around me is pregnant and it's kind of sad.

Seattle or no Seattle. now or later?

i have so much i need to write down and get out of my head, but i don't have the energy to write it all out. i really just need a mentor like a dear friend of mine used to do. i need girl time for me. girls who will listen to all my problems and volunteer to pray for me.

Going through the motions

2009-12-19T20:59:00.000-08:00

Boy do those words ring true to me.

Since my last post not much has really gotten better aside form DH and I. We have managed to come to terms with each others beliefs or lack there of. We have "accepted" that the other will continue with their beliefs. This is still very hard for me. I have not regularly attended church since his big announcement and I find myself doubting weather I will ever go back or not. Don't get me wrong, I still love God with all my heart and soul and know that He is in control, but I just don't feel ready to go to church yet. This deeply saddens me. For so long I sought refuge in church and looked forward to worship, communion and community. Recently I find myself purposely avoiding any company, not worshiping, just basically turning God off on the outside world. The void is there and I can feel it. I know I need to turn back and start finding a church, people with similar beliefs etc. I also know it will come and that God will allow me this time to "learn" my way back. I continuously pray for little Z that she will not be affected by this. That despite her father's lack of beliefs (which are beliefs in and of themselves), she will grow strong in the Word of God and grow to reflect that. I just really feel all alone in this adventure and don't really know who to talk to. I have several close friends that I know I can talk to about this but there is some kind of block, something is stopping me from asking for help or a listening ear.

Last night we hung out with some people that we used to be very close to. I felt oblgated to go to the christmas get together that they had. I didn't want to go because I really have nothing in common with them anymore and quite frankly don't really want to be around them because of the lack of interst they have shown in my life since DH denounced his faith. (This is when I would've needed them the most) The whole time I was there, it just felt empty. There wasn't that "fire" that used to be there when we were close friends, genral lack of interst on their part. They invited us just to be nice. I tried to offer help when they needed it, but they didn't take it. That hurt. I put myself out there again.

Obviously things aren't getting better here in Buckeye. We are strongly considering our options so we can get out of here ASAP. We even thought about moving back in with our parents until we could get out of this house. We have talked to a few people about our options with the house and we will see what happens with the options. I am praying for direction. Obviously DH and I want to make the right decision for our family. We aren't exactly sure what that is right know, we just know that we are so unhappy here that it's bringing our outlook on life down.

Really, on some days the pain is just so much. My heart bursts with sorrow sometimes because of the way things have turned out. I'm at a loss as to what to do to get ourselves out of this feeling aside from walk away from our house, but even then, I'm not quite sure that will resolve the issues, pain and resentment.

I have found it very hard to get into any type of holiday cheer. No Christmas parties this year, no real get together's, no gift exchanges, we're all by ourselves this year. Really sucks.

I sound so depressed. Ha, I probably am. Atleast I have some where to share and get it out.

My hope and prayer is that this time next year life will be great. I know my God as put me through this season for a reason. This is the only thing that has kept me going. I know that the lessons learned will be invaluable. I know that the reward in the end is like nothing I can comprehend. All that seems like nothing right now, which is a mindset I need to change.

With all this negativity, there are many things I am thankful for:

1) My husband, who despite his beliefs, has been more sensetive to mine then in the past, among other things.

2) My daughter is AWESOME and such a blessing. Every day I look at her and am amazed at how God knit her together in my womb. Wow!!

3) My job! This year so far (we're half way through) has been AH-MAZING! I am so in love with my kids. It is fun going to work nearly every single day.

4) My family, they are keeping us in thier prayers and always willing to help whenever we need them.

5) My friends. I can honestly say that DH and I do not have close friends withing 45 miles of us. This is truely taxing on our life and some friendships. But those real friends are the best. Always there to cheer us on and cheer us up. Paying attention to our lives and us to theirs. Investing time.

There are many other things I am greatful for. I am truely blessed in every sense. I have a house, a car, a job, a husband who loves me, a daughter who is relatively healthy and always happy, my husband has a stable job and we aren't struggling. Really, what more could I want. And yet, with all this, I, no we are still discontent. Goes back to the thought of "will I ever be content?".

hurting, need some sort of healing

2009-06-24T14:08:00.000-07:00

wow, the last 6 weeks have been really hard for me. i have so many different emotions going on i don't know how to deal with them.
1) staying at home: this is so hard for me. i originally wanted a job this summer to get outa the house every once in a while, but hubby said no. i've been going stir crazy at home, doing house work. it's the same mundane thing everyday. i've tried going out with people and it works great, but i dont get to go out that often because there aren't that many play groups that i know of or belong to and i only have so many friends with kids who are avaliable.
2) hubby denounces his faith: this has by far been the hardest part. about 2-3 weeks ago H told me he didnt believe in god anymore. this has really thrown me through a loop whole. we already struggle enough as it is, to not have god as our center really frightens me. i find myself not trusting him, doubting him, fearing him, being angry with him and a whole other barrage of emotions. a part of me wants to remain deep in my faith and KNOW that this will soon pass, but another part of me wonders if i give up Christ, will it make things better between us. every day there is awkward silence. like neither of us knows what to say to each other anymore for fear of either 1)offending the other or 2) hurting thier feelings. I feel sometimes like this will never pass and we'll end a statistic. neither of us wants to. we are both determined to work things out, it's just hard and sucks really bad.
3) hating where i live: it's no suprise to those of you who talk to me regularly know i despise where i live. i can not wait to get out of here. as far as i'm concerned it can't happen fast enough. unfortunately we are stuck until something severe happens. apart of me blames this place for what H and I are going through now. there have been situations that have happend with friends that have deeply wounded H and would not have happend if we ddin't live here. we would've never been a part of a church that we felt so neglected in. H reached out to the pastor and he didn't do anything. no wonder he is where he is in is walk of faith.
4) mixed emotions about letting friendships go and come back: i've let a few friendships slip this past year. i dont know quite how i feel about that. i know one of them i have already made the steps to reconcile, but the other i dont know if i want to, which saddens me because we were "best of friends" for the longest time. until i stopped calling.
5) lack of friends: H knows i trust hardly anyone. going through this season in our lives i've noticed i' lack the propper friend that i'm able to open up to. i have several close friend where i live, but i dont' feel comfortable spewing all my nasties to them. i also have dear friends in various places across the US that i find hard to burdden them with this info (because they are so far away). the one person i want to tell everything to would listen, but is not in the country. i just want them to hold me and tell me everything will work out.

i guess time will tell what's in store for my life.

My God

2009-05-26T20:20:00.000-07:00

So it's been a while since i've spoken to my God. I'd say not since a few weeks after i left NYC. Since living in AZ we have gone to several churches. We've pluged in to two and have/will ended up leaving both of them. it's so hard to find something that is fitting, accepting, and spiritually fulfilling.

so what's my problem? i dont know. i'm starting to think what i experienced a long time ago is something that was unique and may never be recaputred again. if this is fact, my life will be rough. i'm so desperate to hear God's voice, to grow in His word and to gather with ohter believers and talk to them aobut things that matter. I NEED deeper, i can not survive in surface level sermons, friendships, outreaches, worship etc.

What can i do to make things better?
1) Read my Bible every day
2) Pray every day
a) For Z
b) For Aaron
c) for my marriage
d) for daily/spiritual guidance
3) keep searching

Basically i am running on empty (spiritually).

Ear infections.. chicken pot pie...

2009-04-16T15:42:00.001-07:00

So this morning Z woke at 1:30am screaming. she didn't stop till 7:3oam. Needless to say i ran into work and made lesson plans and made the earliest appointment possible. as i'm driving there, i'm just hoping it's teething and not a 4th ear infection. when we get there, her temperature starts rising and she is worn out. we finally see the doctor and she confirms my worst fear, not one, but two ear infections. ARG. She told me there pretty much isn't anything i can do about it aside from keeping her hands clean and not letting her drink out of a bottle (for some reason the sucking motion makes it harder for the ear canals to drain). so another round of antibiotics and $15 in sippy cups later and we were home by 1:30pm. Z has been sleeping since around 2pm and wakes up every 30 or so minutes but doesn't open her eyes, she just cries. poor poor girl.

In the mean while, i've cleaned the whole house, minus vaccumming and mopping. i have started dinner. i'm attempting my second go around of chicken pot pie. last time i made it the bottom crust didn't cook like it was supposed to. we'll see how it turns out. i'll get started on it in about an hour.

on a side note: your dishwasher officially took a crap today. Poor aaron, now has to stress about how we are going to pay for it. AND our sprinkler system is on the funk so that needs to be replaced as well (we just got sod in, and it needs to be watered at certain times for a specific amount of time, otherwise it will die or drown)... system is on the fritz and waters whenever it wants to for however long it wants to. nearly drowned my citrus trees and the veggies growing in it.

My little family..

2009-04-14T19:22:00.000-07:00

I love my family so much. I truely do have an amazing husband, no matter how much i bitch at him. He does everything in his power to provide for me what he think and sometimes knows i want. he does anything i ask him to do and without reservation. He is nearly selfless. :)

I have the most perfect daughter. yes, she gets on my nerves sometimes but i would never trade her for ANYTHING.

I really have some things on the inside that i need to work on. number uno is trust. for some reason, i've got ginormous trust issues... almost for no reason. i need to really do some soul searching to figure out what'sjavascript:void(0) going on.

First blog= Vent blog

2009-04-12T21:29:00.000-07:00

Why is that no matter how much A and I put ourselves out there we aren't included? I am so sick of this back and forth in our "friendship". I wanted things to get better and to work out, I thought we still had fridge rights BUT it's apparent we don't and you are just not adult enough to tell us. Rather you just let us sit on the side line, thinking nothing is wrong and constantly ignoring us.

Well, I'm done. I will no longer put myself out there. I am going to not invite you to things nor will I go out of my to see if I'm invited to things you plan. I can take a hint and know when I'm not wanted.

I'm trusting in God to help me deal with this in an appropriate way rather then ripping you a new on either in person or on your little Facebook status update.

And you wonder why we continue talking about moving to Seattle....

My Ramblings

What a girl (like me) needs.

A year in review.

Uneasiness

Memories

His plan is ALWAYS greater then mine.

*This was pulled from my FB account. Dates back to NYC times. It's lengthy but could be worth a read AND there is a reflection at the end. *

Such as life i suppose.

Realizations

Obedience Vs. Willing Heart

Fixable I

Selfish Struggle

Timing

How to say good bye

Open Letter

What I'm Going To Miss The Most...

I've spent the last 6 months...

Does the medium matter?

Today I felt God

Supportiveness and Encouragment

I still believe in marriage

Sudden Resolution

The benefits of NO friends with benefits

When will Jasmine move out? That is the question Part 2

Unsure of the unsure

Stuck in reverse

Hey Jealousy!

When life gives you lemons

The Importance of DGAF'ing It.

Sweet Disposition

When will Jasmine move out? That is the question.

Minimum Requirements

Masters Vs. Desire

Church, God, Faith and Hope

Over the past 7 years...

"A Circle's Round..."

Blank

Hebrews 12:7-11 (New International Version, ©2010)

Today was one of those days.

I had a witty title, but can't remember it now. Habit.

One Moment At A Time

3 Things

Last day of freedom and 3 things

A lost friend, cookies and 3 thing

Mayan Chocolate Ice Cream

Salt, recipe review and 3 things

3 Things Real Quick

Family, cookies and 3 Things

Away for the weekend...

Simple and Short: 3 or 4Things

God really does have an odd sense of humor.

Recipes I'm dieing to try or tried and LOVED

MIA

9 days and counting...

Checking In

What's in your stomach?

Ultimate Blog Party 2010

Who me?

Blog Party '10

OB appointment

full circle?

Going through the motions

hurting, need some sort of healing

My God

Ear infections.. chicken pot pie...

My little family..

First blog= Vent blog

This was pulled from my FB account. Dates back to NYC times. It's lengthy but could be worth a read AND there is a reflection at the end.