How to say good bye

There are times in my life when the right words to say goodbye came to me. A time when they were easy, understood and mutual.

In the summers, when church camp was over, it was always expected that there would be massive amounts of sobs, blubbery words, hugs exchanged (which was a HUGE deal cuz the church I went to didn't allow ANY physical contact between opposite sex kids), email addresses swapped and whatever else we thought the other person deserved...

When college was over, my cohort engaged in "the last supper", even though it was actually breakfast, we all showed up at a little place in Flag, had one last meal together and enjoyed everyone's company. We knew this was going to be the last time we'd all ever be together again.

When The Ex and I moved from Flagstaff to NYC, our church spent one last Sunday meal with us. All our friends went to say goodbye together. We went to all of ours favorite hangout, prayed and ate like nothing was going to change. At the end, we said "good bye and see you soon".

When I left NYC, my closest friends were there to say goodbye. B took me to dinner a few nights before we left and B2 took me to Johnny Rockets. We spent our times together to say goodbye and when the time came for me to walk out of the VPC doors forever, I just gave everyone a hug and walked out.

When I moved out of my own house, I just left. There were no words that were needed.

BUT
When I moved out of my dad's house, there was nothing. That's how we roll.
The whole week leading up to the move was a bit awkward. I felt like I was disconnected from the family as if I wasn't living there anymore. Conversations kind of went no where, peopel were in their own world.
The whole week after moving, not a word. No one called, including myself. As if everything went back to "normal"

It's not a negative feeling, just an observation on how different relationships function.
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3 Things
1) Today I am thankful for the support to appropriately discipline my daughter (I struggle with this)
2) Today I am thankful for my mentor S. She is stern and honest with me, BUT does it with love. I need that.
3) Today I am thankful for some quiet.

Open Letter

 You made me scooby snacks and moe-coo countless times. You perfected baked ham and turkey just to see the satisfaction on our faces.  You worked your tail off to provide our family a safe place to live. You always loved to bring up eating wings with my pinky up, Area 51 and Uno. You spent many hours "flinging shit" in the front yard, fixing the neighbors house, chopping down the trees in the back. You used to help plant flowers in the spring and lost countless Christmas gifts in the abyss. When one of us was sick, you loaded us up with vitamins, checked on us in the middle of the night to make sure we had no fever and made us drink nasty concoctions so we could get healthy again.  You were protective of us.

In a lot of ways you showed me what it was like for a husband to love his wife. You were delicate, caring, considerate and paid attention to the needs of your wife. You went on adventures with her, consulted with her about any things her children wanted to do, never letting them play you against each other. Nursed her back to health countless times and held her hand through many rough patches. In my mind, I know you are the reason she is here today. I know you are the glue that held her together. You two were a single unit.

You were a father to me. Growing up, you taught me how to defend myself, how to challenge my thinking and the thinking of those around me. You also taught me how to care for my body and what it is like to care for others.You forced me to exercise with you, not just because you wanted to torture me, but because you wanted to make sure I was healthy and strong.You teased me relentlessly not because you were mean, but because you wanted me to have a tough outer shell.You took me to my first high school dance, let me bring my first boyfriend home and also wanted to protect me when that first boyfriend broke my heart several times. You taught me to love and respect an adult without fearing them. You taught me that there are consequences to my decisions they were never from you but you always warned me about the outside forces.

Some where something went horribly wrong.

I can't remember my life before you and I'm struggling to envision my future without you. You've done some really nasty things to our family and to me. Most of which can not be forgiven. Most of which, we now know are true. The hardest part is that despite all the nastiness you've brought into my life and into my family's life I struggle to let go of the man that rushed to my house to pick me up the day I moved out of my dads. The father that picked me up every day from high school and took me to the chiropractor. I can't forget the protector that ran after the truck that rear ended us and took off. I can not believe he is so far gone. I can not fathom a person changing so much in 3 years.

I'm praying for you. I do love you despite what you've done to my family and I. I want the best for you and I hope that you can find peace because I know that is what you're missing.
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3 Things
1) I am thankful for T taking care of me and Z while we were sick
2) I am thankful for friends who helped me move into my new living quarters
3) I am thankful for spending all day in bed sleeping.

When will Jasmine move out? That is the question.

I know it's not an ideal situation living at home in your parents house with your child. I know that there is growth that needs to happen before I am ready to be an "adult". I know that there is definitely a convenience that comes with living with family, a dependency.


BUT
I need the accountability that my brother and sister offer.
I need the reliability of their words.
I need the perspective.
I need the example.

HOWEVER
I want my own space
I want my own food
I want my own schedule
I want my own freedom
I want the capability to come and go as I please
I want to be able to walk around naked (TMI)
I want to be the only one who disciplines my daughter.
I want to be more aware of what my daughter eats (everyone just feeds her stuff)
I want to cook my own food
I want to buy all the food in my house.
I want to not be embarrassed to invite people over
I want to have parties (I miss Rockband)
I want to pay for my own place
MOST IMPORTANTLY
I want to live on my own for once.

So, my ultimate goal this year was to move out in May. At this point, I'm leaning towards sooner. MAYBE. I so desperately need it, but I'm having a hard time "growing up" as some would say. It's also very purposeful that there are "I want's" and "I need's". Praying that these get solidified in my heart so I can make the right move at the right time.
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I was watching Jon Stewart today (the episode talking about the Tucson shootings) and he said this quote:

"someone or something will shatter our world again"

For some reason, these words just felt fitting for my life. I know he didn't mean it for me, but heck, I'll take it when I can get it.

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3 Things
1) Today I am thankful for friends and family that can help me make the appropriate rough choice in life
2) Today I am thankful that I hand the balls to stand up for what I believed is right
3) Today I am thankful for an empty/silent house.

One Moment At A Time

It's been a while since I've posted, with good reason. I am going through a divorce. The "Big D". I have many things to say about it and a lot of opinions on the issues that broke my marriage up, but 1) those who need to know the details know the details and 2) there's nothing I can do to change it.

I struggled with letting the marriage go. After 2 months of "seperation" (he had filed papers already) I realized there was no way I could do anything to save it. Only God could and God can choose not to let the marriage succeed. I also knew that my Ex was in no way aligned with God. Therefore God could not intervien on his part if He wanted to.

My friends have been an integeral part of this whole transition. My co-workers at school have really been invaluable. It is so true that you never know who your friends are until you go through something tramatic. People I thought wouldn't care really stepped up. They took me under their wings, got me involved, took me out, talked with me, cried with me, prayed with me, held me and let me sleep over when I couldn't handle it. My family, specifically my sister has been awesome. They are non-judgmental and really have let me learn things myself while talking things through. There are so many other friends, close and far away, who have done amazing things for me. I am so amazingly thankful for the people I have surrounding me in my life. I have such a great support system.

So since Halloween (isn't this ironic) I have been enjoying single life. There are moments when I wish he would change his mind, but in the long shot, I would never turn back to that. I am so much happier, fit, healthier, livelier then I have been in a very long time. I would've stayed in my marriage like that forever. I am a serial monogomist, but I'm thankful in some respects that this opportunity has a risen for me to step out of my "comfort" zone and grow into an individual. Some people have criticized me saying that I've moved on too fast. Others realize who I really am and how quickly I recover and how I refuse to let things get me down and understand that, this is just the way I function.

Today I was sitting in church and the pastor was talking about how 2010 was an awful year for many of the people in the congregation. My friend also posted on her FB status how she was so thankful that 2010 was over because it was the worst year of her life (she too went through a divorce). With these two statements happening so closely together, I thought to myself, was 2010 awful? Was it really THAT awful? My answer is NO, it wasn't that awful. I kind of feel bad for not feeling like it was that awful. I mean, it was, but it wasn't.
I still have so much to be thankful for in this past year:

Ugly Sweater contest sans 43lbs

1) My daughter's health has dierasticly improved since she got tubes put in
2) My ex isn't being a douch bag about my terms of the divorce (although he wanted it, I have set limits)
3) I have my own health <- Since doing the HCG diet, I have lost a total of 43 pounds.
4) I have a job that I enjoy most the time, I have co-workers that I'm crazy about and students that I mostly love
5) My family is so freakin awesome! You forget how important they are until you really need them
6) God hasn't given me more then I can endure, and even though I'm pissed at Him and am really struggling to hear his voice, I know He cares and will get me through this
Don't get me wrong, there were a lot of crappy things that happend:
1) Divorce
2) Ruined credit score
3) Realization I can not afford to live on my own on just a teachers salary.
But all those can change for the better and will. My head is held high and I will survive and become strong and smart because of these things.

2011
1) Sky dive
2) Go on a legit date, with a gentleman, who I like <- I know that sounds bad, but I want to like them, not just go out on a date.
3) Start my masters, or taking steps to start my masters
4) Pay off a large chunk of my student loans <- which is kinda silly, if I'm getting my masters, so I may have to re-evaluate this one
5) Continue to live w/o a credit card
6) Stay up all night with my sister giggling
7) Spend quality time with my brother
8) Work out 3-4 times a week <- I have a goal of comfortablly wearing a bikini this summer
9) Reading my Bible consistently 3-4 times a week
10) Praying w/o drifting everyday <-the habit of prayer typically comes easy to me, but I have struggled with this one for a while
11) Eat a type of food I have never tried before <- Any suggestions?
12) Give once a week to a random person
13) Spend quality (not quantity) time with my daughter
14) Go to the park with Z and The Ex for the sake of Z
15) Go on a hot balloon ride
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3 Things
1) Today I am thankful for honesty in friendships and budding relationships
2) Today I am thankful for a respectful attitude towards The Ex and vise versa
3) Today I am thankful for the fact that I had 2 weeks off for Christmas Break

Family, cookies and 3 Things

Today my step-cousins came into town. My dad and my step mom have been married for almost 10 years. I can not have fathomed a more wonderful Step-Mother. Along with her, came her 11 brothers and sisters. I am for ever thankful that my family (me, Aaron and Z) and them get along really well. So,  they let their children, The Cousins, drive into Phx and spend time with my sister K. I'm spending the next few days in Phx at my dad's house with them. Usually The Cousins include the boy AND girl cousins. This time however, since my brothers are out of town (one is actually in The Czech on a 3 month mission trip/internship) just the girls came.  The Cousins will definitely go shopping, eat and laugh a lot. They are so fun.

I've been waiting to try out a "new recipe" for some chocolate chip cookies that I found at Serious Eats. It's not necessarily a new recipe in the fact it adds different ingredients, but it uses the same ingredients from Tollhouse and tweeks them. Anyways, I figured now would be a good time to try it out since they were here and are not on the crazy diet I am on. Here's what I did:
1) I caramelized the brown sugar and butter
2) The recipe calls for 2 full eggs, instead I used 1 whole egg and 1 egg yoke
3) Used a much larger scoop
All this together has seriously created THE BEST chocolate chip cookie I have every had.


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Thankful Fors:
1) I am thankful for an extended family that is fun to hang out with and really embraces our God
2) I am thankful for a husband who works hard and takes time off just to eat dinner with my family
3) I am thankful for Z using going on the toilet EVERY TIME today. 

My little family..

I love my family so much. I truely do have an amazing husband, no matter how much i bitch at him. He does everything in his power to provide for me what he think and sometimes knows i want. he does anything i ask him to do and without reservation. He is nearly selfless. :)

I have the most perfect daughter. yes, she gets on my nerves sometimes but i would never trade her for ANYTHING.

I really have some things on the inside that i need to work on. number uno is trust. for some reason, i've got ginormous trust issues... almost for no reason. i need to really do some soul searching to figure out what'sjavascript:void(0) going on.