Uneasiness

Sometimes, the littelest, insignificant things bother you. Not only do they bother you, but the enemy has away of allowing those things to anchor in your heart.

The last few days, maybe even a week or so, I have really been struggling with inadequacies with my own body and movement within relationships.

Growing up, I was never comfortable in my skin. I was ridiculed by family and classmates about my appearance. I remember in 5th grade, I stood before my aunts cabinets (where she stashed all the yummies) and consciously made a desicion to not eat snacks any more. In fact, from there, I stopped eating all together. I would eat dinner, just a bit, to keep my father from asking me questions. I remember I used to hide candy bars in my bedroom. I'd never eat them, but kept them "just in case". When I'd want to eat one, I would just look at it and smell it. The sweet aroma that came from package was satisfying enough.
As an adult, I was still ridiculed by my family and in some ways my ex. I had gained a lot of weight and was by all means obese. I went from eating nothing to eating everything. I didn't want to stop. Food was the only thing that made me happy. It never talked back, never called me fat, never backed out of chores, duties, arrangements. It was also the center of a lot of my friendships.
During this time, I never once dieted. I was "content" with were I was and how I looked. I had a husband, friends, family and a good job. What more should I want? Anything above that is being greedy. Eventually, it was decided that we would try for a second child. Before we started, I wanted to loose some weight in hopes that the new baby wouldn't come 2 months early like my daughter did. So, with a ready heart and mind, I started dieting. I ended up loosing a total of 43lbs. (woohoo)
Fast forward, I have been in a serious relationship for about 7 months. I have gained about 6lbs back, which in reality is NOTHING. I know it's nothing, but I seriously feel like shit about the way I look. I hate that my thighs jiggle. I hate that I have a muffin top, I hate that my arms are fat, I hate that my boobs sag and that I can't wear a two piece. I hate that there are other people more "perfect" then me. It makes me feel deficient. Trust me, I know how far I've come. I know that a lot of other people have a much greater struggle then I. I know this is really just minuscule in the scheme of life, but it has really gotten to me this week. I have a man who loves me for the beezy that I am. He loves me EXACTLY the way I am, and that isn't good enough. He constantly builds me up, spiritually and emotionally. I just can't get past this.
Last night, I read a blog from Myra at myblesssedlife.net. Although her blog isn't specifically about struggling with self-image, it really spoke to my heart. A big part of me feels like my best isn't good enough. No matter how hard I try, I will have all these physical (and other areas) imperfections. And at this stage in life, I feel this way not because anyone specifically says anything to me, it's just the expectation I've placed on myself. T and I talked after he got home from a men's bible study and He just spoke to me through T's lesson last night. Not only do I need to allow God's love and grace to be enough, but I have no right to doubt it. T is amazing with words in these situation. He truly knows how misguided my heart and thoughts are, but knows how to steer me in the right directions using those calm, encouraging words I so desperately need. After our talk, I laid in bed tossing and turning. I reflected upon all the things that have got me to this place, about the way I look. I need to forgive people for what they say. Truly forgive, not just excuse the comments. I need to work on letting God be sufficient, because no matter what, I will always fail myself. T will always fail me, work will always fail me, friends will fail me. The only thing perfect is God. I also need to realize that I am exactly what God made me to be. I was created after his image. I need to allow these words to penetrate my heart and wounds and allow them to soak in and be absorbed. I will only find satisfaction through Him.
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Speaking of failure, to go right along with T and Myra's "talks", I feel like I've failed Z in so many ways. This summer I had so many dreams and expectations for us. I wanted to do a lot of art with her, start writing, get better with colors, shapes, ABC's and numbers. Instead, I've sat on my butt, doing school work, overall not placing her first. She deserves so much more attention and better effort. UGH.
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I am also struggling with the way my ex is doing some things. He seems to have found a girl and is ready to introduce her to Z. I feel so uneasy about this. Just knowing where he is in life, it makes me wonder what kind of women would consider really dating him (enough to be a part of his daughters life). I know I have no room to judge and don't have the full story, but I just don't feel at ease about this.
I'm also bothered by the fact he keeps trying to add me on Google+ because he has personal things on there I am not ready to see or be apart of. I purposely hide those from him because I do not want to cause awkwardness, but he seems to not have that same respect. It may also be that I don't want to see him move on. I don't want him to be happy....he doesn't deserve it. (ouch that's harsh, and deep down I don't REALLY feel like that, but right now, I still have a lot of anger towards him) Honestly, I just want him to be away from me. I want to not have to always consider him, think about him or wonder how he's going to react to things in my own life.
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I'm kind of in a dark place. This time of summer, I always get restless and a bit depressed.

Church, God, Faith and Hope

Hope is all I have most days. Hope that what I want, what I worked for will come true. Hope that my desires will come true. Hope that God and I will reconnect on a deep level again.

Faith is what I try to have in God all the days. I fail at this a lot lately. Taking things into my own hand. Not trusting, not seeking Him out.

God is who I'm missing, who I can't find, who I'm searching for. I don't see Him in nature anymore, or feel him in music or in His Word. Prayer is empty.

Church is a waste of time. After looking for 3 years, I'm about ready to give up. I'm drifting from place to place, can't seem to plug in. Tithing to places that don't directly affect me (is this selfish?), joining small groups that fall apart. I just can't seem to catch a break.


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Here's a recipe I can not wait to try during the summer. Just like the author, I've been guilty of calling people "vanilla" or plain or Plain Jane. BUT this Sweet Vanilla Iced Tea sounds, looks and reads amazingly.

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3 Things
1) I am thankful for a really enjoyable weekend
2) I am thankful for friendships that don't require a lot of maintenance
3) I am thankful for new romances

I had a witty title, but can't remember it now. Habit.

There are habits you get into, when you live with someone for 7 plus years. 
1) I can't sleep on the "other" side of the bed. Even when I share a bed with my sister or something. It's gotta be THAT side.
2) I need something next to me when I sleep at night. Lately I've been setteling for a pillow. :'( Can't wait for it to be a permanent warm body.
3) Calling him "Babe". Boy is that a habit that needs to be broken, 13 years...
4) Not looking at my finances (He handled them)
5) Cooking for an army. I don't cook a lot now, but when I do, I have major cooking portion control issues. :)
6) Consideration. Every time I'm asked to go somewhere, there is a gut instinct to say "wait, I've gotta check first".. thankfully I've never acted on this one yet.
7) Driving down Miller towards my house
8) Just walking into his mothers house
9) The urge to watch our tv shows at night before bed (Rescue Me was/is a great series!)
10) Turning around sometimes, expecting the conversationalist to be there.
*Don't get me wrong, I'm some what lonely. I don't miss HIM per say, I miss the companionship, the routine, the safety and security.

BUT there are habits, you quickly break
1) Saving closet space for him
2) Cleaning.. odd, but yes, my room is littered now.
3) Saving counter space and shower space for him with all my cosmetics, lotions and soaps.
4) How I spend my money
5) Where I go, who I go with and when I go.
6) Feeling guilty about going to church, participating in church activities and tithing
7) Wanting to get my masters, but knowing the sacrifice of time is too much for him.
8) Not exercising because I know he has work to do and can't watch Z
9) Restraining my flirtatious personality
10) Not believing in myself.

AND there are habits that stay the same
1) I'm still a remote hog (when I do watch tv)
2) I still am a dreamer
3) I'm still a wander
4) I still want more kids
5) I still want to be married, or get married as it is
6) I'm still as sarcastic as ever.
7) I still love God
8) I'm still controlling
9) I'm still a smart ass
10) I still go crazy sometimes.

It's interesting to see where life takes you when things change drastically in your life.

The unfortunate thing about this world is that good habits are so much easier to give up than bad ones.  ~Somerset Maugham_____________________________________________
Food time!
Even though I've lost a lot of weight and I have cut back on the quantity I eat, I'm still obsessed with food. I came across this article, describing Foodies. When I read it, I immediately related to it and thought of a few others who did, including: MJ's Take on the World.

Last night, my brother Kha, requested I make Grilled Cheese Sandwiches. I made them once for the kids while my parents were in Vietnam. When my parents heard that request, they were 1) disgusted and 2) laughed at us for talking about how amazing they were. 
So today I headed to Frys and bought some tomato soup (the good kind), Gouda, sharp cheddar, mozzarella, tomatoes, basil, Havarti and Munster cheese. I also purchased sourdough and whole wheat bread. I made random combination of sandwiches but the biggest hits (not surprisingly) were the caprese grilled cheeses: Sourdough bread, Mozzarella cheese, tomatoes and basil. SO DELICIOUS!
 My parents praised me for how good they were. It was nice to see them "eat" their words. 

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3 Things
1) I am so very thankful that my kids were excited to see me today.
2) I am thankful for the time I FORCED myself to spend with God last night. It was so rewarding
3) I am thankful for a car (that although I hate most the time) get's awesome gas mileage. Especially with how crazy I drive.

A lost friend, cookies and 3 thing

     I sometimes wonder what it takes for a friendship to be over. I tend to hold onto a relationship for as long as I can regardless of whether or not it's recipricated. Within the last year I've really come to realize this. I had a dear friend who I went to high school and college with. We were nearly inseperable in college. We did so much together and so much for each other. When Aaron and I moved to NYC, I called EVERY single weekend to talk to her. On the rare occassions I didn't call, she never bothered to call me or what not. I never thought much of it. When Aaron and I moved back home, we saw each other once. I made a mental note that I would not go out of my way to stay in contact with her since she was not putting the effort in. So, we didn't speak for nearly a year.
     Within that year, my family got burned by the church we were attending, we lost some dear friends because we chose not to go to that church and my husband decided he did not believe in God anymore. All through this, not one phone call just to see how things were going BUT I never bothered calling her either. Finally we ran into each other at Target and her excuse was that she was busy. Ok, I understand that. We do live almost 45 minutes away from each other. 
    So we vowed to try to get together more often. I called on multiple occassions trying to plan something out. Nothing every came of it. She has yet to call me to try to get anything together. She's gone on vacation right now to NYC. She has spoken and communicated with many other friends while in NYC but not me.
     I guess I just thought we had a real friendship that would last forever. That we'd always be tehre for each other.  That when I point blank tell her I need her friendship right now, she'd be there. I was wrong.
     I am learning more and more as I grow older, that friendships aren't always solid. Sometimes they are friendships of convienence. And this is ok, I just need to remind myself of that.
   I do have some very very very dear friends who no matter where I travel, we stay in touch. I am thankful for them. 

    OK, I had to get that off my heart, cuz it was kind of heavy laying there.

So tonight I once again made those TO DIE FOR chocolate chip cookies. This time, I doubled the recipe and added peanut butter chips as well as a bit of almond flavoring. YUMMY!! I can not recommend this recipe highly enough.

3 Things
1) Today I am thankful for co-workers who care enough to take time out of their NON-work day to work
2) Today I am thankful for an amazing daughter God has entrusted me with. She made me smile so much today.
3) Today I am thankful for a God who provides me with what I need

Family, cookies and 3 Things

Today my step-cousins came into town. My dad and my step mom have been married for almost 10 years. I can not have fathomed a more wonderful Step-Mother. Along with her, came her 11 brothers and sisters. I am for ever thankful that my family (me, Aaron and Z) and them get along really well. So,  they let their children, The Cousins, drive into Phx and spend time with my sister K. I'm spending the next few days in Phx at my dad's house with them. Usually The Cousins include the boy AND girl cousins. This time however, since my brothers are out of town (one is actually in The Czech on a 3 month mission trip/internship) just the girls came.  The Cousins will definitely go shopping, eat and laugh a lot. They are so fun.

I've been waiting to try out a "new recipe" for some chocolate chip cookies that I found at Serious Eats. It's not necessarily a new recipe in the fact it adds different ingredients, but it uses the same ingredients from Tollhouse and tweeks them. Anyways, I figured now would be a good time to try it out since they were here and are not on the crazy diet I am on. Here's what I did:
1) I caramelized the brown sugar and butter
2) The recipe calls for 2 full eggs, instead I used 1 whole egg and 1 egg yoke
3) Used a much larger scoop
All this together has seriously created THE BEST chocolate chip cookie I have every had.


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Thankful Fors:
1) I am thankful for an extended family that is fun to hang out with and really embraces our God
2) I am thankful for a husband who works hard and takes time off just to eat dinner with my family
3) I am thankful for Z using going on the toilet EVERY TIME today. 

God really does have an odd sense of humor.

This past weekend Aaron took off to go visit some friends in Oregon. I took the opportunity to head up to Flagstaff to see a dear friend get married. While there, it was some what of a reunion for a lot of my dear, close, christian friends who I do not get to see often enough, worship with ever and live life with. Boy was I in for a treat.
Not only was I put to work right as I got to my friends house, but I worked long hours. It's ok though, because 1) I was in awesome company and 2) the wedding turned out beautiful and I will forever be a part of it. So needless to say, Friday and Saturday morning were VERY hectic.
The wedding took place Saturday at 6pm. It had rained pretty much all day and stopped just in time for the wedding. God is awesome huh? Always knows what we need. Didn't end up at home till after 11pm.
Sunday we headed back to the house for a time of worship and spending some time in the Word.

I have to tell you that it has been a very long time since I have been with all these people worshiping together. God really knew our hearts and met us there. I believe He really touched everyone of us. It was so amazing to be reminded that "church" can be anywhere with anyone and that I have amazing friends who care about me and know my heart. I left feeling more refreshed and secure in my faith then I have felt since leaving NYC (3 years if you're counting, I am).
I titled this post "God really does have an odd sense of humor" because I find it really hilarious that 1) despite the fact of going to dozens of churches of the last few years I haven't EVER felt the awe and power of God unless with these people and 2) that it takes these people to be around me and to worship with me to be reminded of how great He is. Why can't He just let me feel like that all the time? It's not like I haven't been looking for it or asking for it etc. :) I'm not mad, just think it's funny.

Because I have to talk about food, I wanted to let you know that I made these "Zesty Lemon Cookies" but with lime that was left over from the wedding. They were outrageously good!

Recently I've come across this blog, and would like to try writing three things I am thankful for. Aaron and I used to do this as a husband and wife thing, but ever since he stopped believing in God, we've kind of drifted from it. So, I will pick it up here. :) I think it will be a good reminder for me to remember what is important and that I am provided for in every aspect of my life. So here goes:

1) I am thankful for a husband who works extra hard to provide for all of our dreams.
2) I am thankful for a healthy daughter who has defied they odds (she was a preemie and they weren't quite sure for a bit)
3) I am thankful for a diverse set of friends, some who are believers and some who are not, who know me and love me despite how "whacked" I may be. :) 
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What are some things you are thankful for today?

Also, technical help needed, if someone can tell me how to "reply" to a comment rather then adding an additional comment, you'd be a life save. Thanks!

Recipes I'm dieing to try or tried and LOVED

It's summer time and let's face it, anything light and citrus-y sounds refreshing and cool. I came across this Zesty Lemon Cookie recipe while reading Laura's blog at Real Mom Kitchen. I baked these cookies while my daughter slept and it was easy! Not only that, but the aroma that was coming form my oven was so amazing I was fearful that it might wake my daughter out of her afternoon slumber.


That same day, I came across the serious eats website and found this Baba Ghanoush recipe. I've always be intimidated by it and would shy away from it when we lived in NYC, but I've had Baba Ghanoush once before in a restaurant (in AZ) and am not quite sure how authentic it was, so I wanted to give this recipe a whirl. Boy was I not disappointed. Unfortunately I did not have any way to char the eggplant, so I just skipped to the next step. I ended up roasting a whole thing of garlic in the oven at the same time as the eggplant and used that in the mix. I also used one whole raw garlic. By the time it was said and done, it was a bit too garlicky because I had a small eggplant, so the ration was off. BUT it was still splendid! Again, this recipe was super easy.

Since I've been taking HCG for almost 2 weeks, I have not been able to eat anything "decedent" so, I have resorted to live this dream out via food blogs. Over the last two weeks, I have found some amazing blogs and come across some amazing recipes that I could gobble up right now CAN NOT WAIT TO. With out further adieu....

1) Chocolate Loaf Cake: O-M-GEE!!! I am obsessed with anything chocolate. The description the blog gives literally makes me salivate. I do not care how ugly I love how rustic this cake looks and I KNOW it will taste D-LISH!!

2) Billie's Italian Cream Cake: I have to admit, I've been reading The Pioneer Woman's blog for a while know. I've loved her posts about her beloved cows that hang out on the porch, but I was really intrigued by this recipe. I love all the layers the cake has and the fact I could see this cake being dressed very casually or being fancied up by it's baker.

3)Blueberry French Toast Bake: This dish sounds so yummy! There is absolutely nothing wrong with having breakfast for dinner right? eat at home has a wonderful blog that helps families me to keep the spark alive between the kitchen and I. I quite frequently find myself wanting to dine out simple for the diversity it can offer. I specifically love how the author takes photos of the ingredients and the dish.

4) Chocolate Idiot Cake: Again, with the chocolate obsession. With words like: silky, rich and ganache, I could not resist. Although cakes are not my forte, I feel like I could make this no problems, hence the name.


5) Blackberry Cobbler #1: Again, I'm telling you The Pioneer Woman has it going on. It's summer time, what's there not to LOVE about berries. I know around these parts, berries are on sale left and right. In this recipe she shows, through pictures, step by step directions for this yummy berry cobbler. At the bottom she has an easy printable version as well. *This recipe could easily be substituted for any berry and/or peaches. YUMMY!


6) S'mores Pie and Peanut Butter Cookie Pudding: You can tell I frequent several blogs on a regular basis. These last two recipes were posted today by eat at home. The pictures alone make me want to reach through my computer into her home and gobble thes both up. I think they could be FABULOUS together. What do you think?


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What recipes are you dieing to try?
What is a staple recipe in your household?

MIA

Sorry I have been gone for so long. Life sure gets in the way sometimes. I hope you excuse my absence.

While I was gone I have:
-Finished my 3rd year of teaching Jr. High
-Spent one week gaining 7 lbs on a cruise through Mexico
-Spent one week gaining nothing in NYC
-Babysat a dear friends daughter
-Slowly eased back into being a stay at home mom (for the summer)
-Lost 10lbs through Red Mountain Med Spa, using Releana, and I'm only on my second week. I have 2 more to go!
-Became obsessed with cooking, food and anything that involves it. :)
-Got really excited about the hubby and I's 10 year anniversary honeymoon.

Here's what we did on our cruise:
We departed for LA and spent 7 awesome days on the ocean. Our first stop was Cabo San Lucus. Aaron did a Zip Line excursion and loved every minute of it. Z and I did a tour that was out of this world. From there we headed to Mazatlan where we all took a tour and enjoyed the scenery. Our last port of call was Puerta Vallarta. We got off the boat and just wandered around for several hours. At all three stops we ate Mexican food at a local restaurant. Their food is unparalleled to what I would call "Mexican" food here in The States.
When we were on the boat, we spent a lot of time switching parent duty while Z napped or walking around. Unfortunately it was freezing on deck while we were at sea and did not once get to enjoy the pool on deck. We caught a few shows and gambled a lot.
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Here's what we did in NYC:
FOOD:
S'Mac: Aaron had the 4 Cheese, I had Parisienne. After we ate, we realized we could get the sampler. FAIL, but good.
Bar Pitti: I love this place!
Noodle Bar: Aaron got some hot noodle dish (obviously) and I got the duck soup.Very yummy.
Sushi Azabu: we both had the CHEF'S OMAKASE COURSE which was out of this world!
Max Brenner: after sushi, we walked so we could eat the desserts there and we both ordered a drink and dessert. This place blows my mind every time.
Fiddle Sticks: their macaroni and cheese is to die for!
Virgils BBQ: Their food was ok.
Roxy Delicatessen: we ate dessert here one night in honor of our friend Roxy.
Station Cafe: we met my friend for breakfast in Brooklyn to eat at her favorite diner.
President Cheese: my friends husband works for them. They always have cheese around the house. We ate a lot of the Le Petite Basque. YUMMY!
Pasticceria Rocco: this place always has wonderful desserts in their window. Always made my mouth water when I would walk by it.
Royal Siam Thai Cuisine: was ok, can never make their food as spicy as in AZ.
Yuca Bar: this place was awesome. Although it was loud at times and the bathrooms were horrid, the food was amazing.
Crumbs Bake Shop: when I worked at the Village Preschool Center, parents often times brought in cupcakes for their kids birthdays. Billy, my co-worker and friend we were staying with told us that there were a few new cupcakes places that popped up. So we dropped by and were not disappointed. Although everyone was full from eating at Yuca Bar, we still got three cupcakes and split them.
Big Daddy Diner: we went to church at Forefront, then headed to lunch with our friend. This place was AWESOME! Not only that, but Aaron left his "business" card for Ingestion Digest and the owner e-mailed Aaron wanting to know his experience. How cool was that?
Ess-a-Bagel: although I realize everyone has their own opinion on what the best bagel is in NYC, we really love this place. Their bagels are fresh, chewy and hearty!
ACTIVITIES:
American Museum of Natural History
Visited me co-workers at Village Preschool Center
Saw Wicked
Visited The Diamond District
Visited 30 Rock, Nintendo, Rockefeller center etc.
And a bunch of other things I can't remember. It rained a lot, but despite the rain, we walked everywhere. Because we were bunking down with Billy in his studio apartment in Brooklyn, we stayed in the city for 12+ hours per day.

This trip was awesome. Although my heart still tugs to live in NYC, I now know it is not the place for me. I had a blast and can not wait to go back.
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If you haven't noticed, Ingestion Digest is my husbands "blog". He photographs every meal he eats. He started this last year and is doing it for one full year. You can take a look HERE. Don't judge my home cooked meals. Also, if you look back through out the blog, you can notice his different eating trends. FUN!

9 days and counting...

Tomorrow I will officially have 9 days left in school. There is so much left to do. My brain is so exhausted as is my body; the kids are crazy and restless. It is crazy for me to start a new unit, but I did. Despite this, I am looking forward to my summer. As soon as school lets out, I get to spend one javascript:void(0)full week with my baby girl at home, being a SAHM. After that, we pack up and are taking our first "REAL" family vacation. A 7 day Mexican cruise. My dad was gracious enough to book our room, which will include a crib (so I am told). I am super excited, but the more I think about it, the more I'm getting nervous. My daughter just got tubes in her ears. She CAN NOT get water in them. I'm so afraid that while in the pool, she'll get soaked from head to toe, as any 2 year old should. Only, this time, the water will hurt her tiny ears. My husband on the other hand, is getting nervous that she'll "jump" overboard. Although the railings are 12 feet high in some places, he pointed out to me, ever so gently, that there are gaps between railings. We shall see right? Upon returning from Mexico, we have 24 hours before Aaron and I leave for NYC. YOU CAN NOT BELIEVE how EXCITED I am. I LOVE NEW YORK CITY! We lived there for a year, which was way too short, and this is our first time coming back. So, we'll be there for 5 days. Then we're back for a few weeks and for the Fourth of July (my birthday) we're headed to Laughlin to spend with his grandparents. So, needless to say, I will have a busy weekend.

These last few weeks have been busy and crazy. Aaron and I went to the Pen and Teller show this past weekend and stopped in at SweetCakes , which was awesome. :) Still dreaming about the butterscotch and oatmeal cookies. :)

I had a wonderful Mother's Day too. This is the first year I didn't expect anything and got some sweet cards and flowers from Zephyr and Aaron. I'm definitely a lucky gal. :)

Last night we did a PX90 workout. It's the second we've done, and boy is it a good work out. I really do enjoy it. Definitely is a lot of work and I'm not one to sweat, but boy do I sweat!