Unsure of the unsure

Anxiety is something I have never struggled with. In fact, in the past I've been pretty unsympathetic to those who have struggled with it. I've always felt those who struggle with anxiety were either causing their own issues or didn't know how to handle the issues that arose in their life.

Since September, I have had 2 small anxiety attacks and countless moments of anxiety ridden thoughts. I hate the feeling. I hate that my heart races in a bad way and gets heavy. I hate that my stomach gets sick and that I can't sit still. I hate that every time it happens, I feel like I'm not in control of the situation. (Maybe the point of the anxiety is to open my eyes up to the things I shouldn't panic about or try to control??)

A few days ago I did a bit of snooping around on the internet and found out a few things that kind of bothered me. One potentially good and one just awkward. They instigated the "situation" that day. It only lasted a few minutes, but regardless, it's interesting that I am experiencing this. 

I'm pretty sure that most of the anxiety is happening because I am in a phase of my life where my ground isn't solid like it used to be. I have never been one who didn't have a plan, a goal, an idea or a dream. Since single-hood, so many options have arisen and have been thrown my way. Anything from opening my own business, getting a masters to moving out of state.  I am embracing this phase of my life but still hate the fact that I do not have a solid foundation to raise my daughter on. <- This is what makes me scared shitless. This is what keeps me up at night more often then anything else. This is what gets my heart racing in a "not fun" way.  This is what gives me anxiety.

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3 Things
1) I am thankful that my dad is a freakin awesome cook
2) I am thankful for the opportunity to play on a softball team with friends
3) I am thankful for a SOLID full nights sleep.

When life gives you lemons

Life has given me a few lemons lately. BUT I'm making lemonade with them AND it's going to be the best damn lemonade anyone has every had. ;)

It's been an interesting weekend to say the least. I'm learning so much. I'm making the mistakes I need to to grow. I'm making the decisions I need to to become independent, to stand up to The Ex, to become an adult. I'm guarding my heart as much as I see fit.

This week a close friend of mine told me I need to start making decisions for myself or I'm not going to survive the real world. That was harsh, but boy was it an eye opener. 


This is going to be an awesome adventure. I can not wait.

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3 Things
1) Today I am thankful for all the time I spent with Z at The Children Museum
2) Today I am thankful for maturity
3) Today I am thankful for my bestest friend, who is getting ready to serve his 3rd tour over seas.

The Importance of DGAF'ing It.

In college I did it A LOT. I kinda felt like a slob. I'd wake up, roll out of bed, put socks and shoes on and head to work. Sometimes I'd put my hair back and most times I'd brush my teeth. I just didn't care. In New York, I cared. Everyday. I had to. It's Manhattan. When I moved back to Arizona, I fell back into the old habit. Well as much as I could for being a "professional".

My sister, is always well put together. Has her hair done, dresses nicely, make-up on etc. I always admired that about her. She looks so beautiful among other wonderful attributes she has. A few weeks back, I noticed that her hair was straight, unwashed and her make-up wasn't as perfect as usual. I asked her what was going on and she said she was "DGAF'ing it".

DGAF'ING?! WTF is that? :)
Apparently it means I "Don't Give A F**k". So when I say I'm DGAF'ing it, I mean I don't care what I look like, I'm just trying to get through the day.

In college, it was just habit. There was no meaning. I just didn't care what so ever. Had no need to. I was married. I worked full-time and I went to school full-time. I also maintained a house and deep friendships.

After moving back to Arizona, I have slowly grown out of the DGAF'ing phase. I've appreciated coming into my own. Even if it took 8 years. ;)
So, why is it important? There are moments in a person's life when a they just needs to relax. Just be. Just exist. And not have to worry about anything other then her day to day tasks. When I DGAF it, I'm usually making a statement. Usually trying to prove a point to myself. That I can relax. That image isn't everything. That I don't have to be "perfect" all the time. It's an awesome moment these days. Totally too much information, but the times I DGAF it, it's awesome. I don't take a shower for a few days. Just roll out of bed, pull my hair back, brush my teeth and head out the door. This seriously saves me an hour! An hour! That's 7 more hours of sleep a week. Those 7 hours could mean someones life.
Basically, it's good for my soul to DGAF it every once in a while. To NOT give a f**k. I care too much all the other times, not just about myself but everything else in my world. I and you too, deserve to DGAF it every once in a while.

So, in conclusion, DGAF'ING is awesome, necessary and a right. Don't judge people who do it.

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3 Things
1) I am thankful for coworkers allowing me to participate in their practices
2) I am thankful for the opportunity to make my own choices and learn from them
3) I am thankful for my sister, who has taught me a multitude of things

When will Jasmine move out? That is the question.

I know it's not an ideal situation living at home in your parents house with your child. I know that there is growth that needs to happen before I am ready to be an "adult". I know that there is definitely a convenience that comes with living with family, a dependency.


BUT
I need the accountability that my brother and sister offer.
I need the reliability of their words.
I need the perspective.
I need the example.

HOWEVER
I want my own space
I want my own food
I want my own schedule
I want my own freedom
I want the capability to come and go as I please
I want to be able to walk around naked (TMI)
I want to be the only one who disciplines my daughter.
I want to be more aware of what my daughter eats (everyone just feeds her stuff)
I want to cook my own food
I want to buy all the food in my house.
I want to not be embarrassed to invite people over
I want to have parties (I miss Rockband)
I want to pay for my own place
MOST IMPORTANTLY
I want to live on my own for once.

So, my ultimate goal this year was to move out in May. At this point, I'm leaning towards sooner. MAYBE. I so desperately need it, but I'm having a hard time "growing up" as some would say. It's also very purposeful that there are "I want's" and "I need's". Praying that these get solidified in my heart so I can make the right move at the right time.
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I was watching Jon Stewart today (the episode talking about the Tucson shootings) and he said this quote:

"someone or something will shatter our world again"

For some reason, these words just felt fitting for my life. I know he didn't mean it for me, but heck, I'll take it when I can get it.

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3 Things
1) Today I am thankful for friends and family that can help me make the appropriate rough choice in life
2) Today I am thankful that I hand the balls to stand up for what I believed is right
3) Today I am thankful for an empty/silent house.

Over the past 7 years...

I wouldn't change a thing.

Everything happened the way it was supposed to.
I'm proud of those 7 years
A lot was accomplished
Growth was made
Fun was had
Pain was endured
Life was created
But most of all.....
Every up and down was an amazing experience.

NO regrets
"There are no regrets in life, just lessons." ~Jennifer Aniston
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3 Things
1) I am thankful for my parents (mom AND dad) who ALWAYS cook me food.
2) I am thankful that I have this moment in time to live with with my dad.
3) I am thankful for the "full" sensation I have been able to recognizing.
4) I am thankful for a great night out with dear friends. It's been way too long.