Today was one of those days.

I just wanted to crawl up into bed and be held.  There's nothing like the warm embrace of someone who cares, who doesn't judge your raw emotions, but just lets you exist in that moment. 

There was nothing in particular that set me off. My day itself wasn't awful, average for this year. Just something triggered. A friend of mine asked me how my day was going. Initially, I said good. Then I mentioned that my second hour is really draining, then I realized, I just needed to be held. That affection, that touch, the electricity, the energy, I just yearned for that connection.

At the beginning of the divorce, my friend, E, told me that the nights are the hardest, because this is when you are most alone. I've found this to be so true. I tend to busy myself till exhaustion, then I crawl into bed, read my Bible, journal and pray till I pass out. I'm getting better at it though. The solitude is becoming a relief from the day. A moment of peace, stillness, honesty and reflection. Kha would be so proud to hear this.

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Again, I'm realizing how important it is to have people around you who have known you FOREVER. My best friend and his wife are in town visiting. I went to dinner with them. As I'm explaining to him what is going on in my life, he (he's the original friend) acts like it's nothing new. Like this is just who Jasmine is. Silently reiterating that it's ok to have moved on and to not have any connection with The Ex, to explore possibilities, to be nearly ready to find someone else.
My friends from work have only known me for 3 years. Since I've been a mom only with The Ex. They don't know anything about the Jasmine in high school or the Jasmine in college. This is ok, it's just a realization I'm coming to.
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3 Things
1) Thankful that I could see my best friend. I miss him dearly
2) Thankful that he married an amazing girl that I like. (it can be difficult when you don't get along with "the wife" ;))
3) Thankful for open communication *most the time* with The Ex.

A lost friend, cookies and 3 thing

     I sometimes wonder what it takes for a friendship to be over. I tend to hold onto a relationship for as long as I can regardless of whether or not it's recipricated. Within the last year I've really come to realize this. I had a dear friend who I went to high school and college with. We were nearly inseperable in college. We did so much together and so much for each other. When Aaron and I moved to NYC, I called EVERY single weekend to talk to her. On the rare occassions I didn't call, she never bothered to call me or what not. I never thought much of it. When Aaron and I moved back home, we saw each other once. I made a mental note that I would not go out of my way to stay in contact with her since she was not putting the effort in. So, we didn't speak for nearly a year.
     Within that year, my family got burned by the church we were attending, we lost some dear friends because we chose not to go to that church and my husband decided he did not believe in God anymore. All through this, not one phone call just to see how things were going BUT I never bothered calling her either. Finally we ran into each other at Target and her excuse was that she was busy. Ok, I understand that. We do live almost 45 minutes away from each other. 
    So we vowed to try to get together more often. I called on multiple occassions trying to plan something out. Nothing every came of it. She has yet to call me to try to get anything together. She's gone on vacation right now to NYC. She has spoken and communicated with many other friends while in NYC but not me.
     I guess I just thought we had a real friendship that would last forever. That we'd always be tehre for each other.  That when I point blank tell her I need her friendship right now, she'd be there. I was wrong.
     I am learning more and more as I grow older, that friendships aren't always solid. Sometimes they are friendships of convienence. And this is ok, I just need to remind myself of that.
   I do have some very very very dear friends who no matter where I travel, we stay in touch. I am thankful for them. 

    OK, I had to get that off my heart, cuz it was kind of heavy laying there.

So tonight I once again made those TO DIE FOR chocolate chip cookies. This time, I doubled the recipe and added peanut butter chips as well as a bit of almond flavoring. YUMMY!! I can not recommend this recipe highly enough.

3 Things
1) Today I am thankful for co-workers who care enough to take time out of their NON-work day to work
2) Today I am thankful for an amazing daughter God has entrusted me with. She made me smile so much today.
3) Today I am thankful for a God who provides me with what I need