Uneasiness

Sometimes, the littelest, insignificant things bother you. Not only do they bother you, but the enemy has away of allowing those things to anchor in your heart.

The last few days, maybe even a week or so, I have really been struggling with inadequacies with my own body and movement within relationships.

Growing up, I was never comfortable in my skin. I was ridiculed by family and classmates about my appearance. I remember in 5th grade, I stood before my aunts cabinets (where she stashed all the yummies) and consciously made a desicion to not eat snacks any more. In fact, from there, I stopped eating all together. I would eat dinner, just a bit, to keep my father from asking me questions. I remember I used to hide candy bars in my bedroom. I'd never eat them, but kept them "just in case". When I'd want to eat one, I would just look at it and smell it. The sweet aroma that came from package was satisfying enough.
As an adult, I was still ridiculed by my family and in some ways my ex. I had gained a lot of weight and was by all means obese. I went from eating nothing to eating everything. I didn't want to stop. Food was the only thing that made me happy. It never talked back, never called me fat, never backed out of chores, duties, arrangements. It was also the center of a lot of my friendships.
During this time, I never once dieted. I was "content" with were I was and how I looked. I had a husband, friends, family and a good job. What more should I want? Anything above that is being greedy. Eventually, it was decided that we would try for a second child. Before we started, I wanted to loose some weight in hopes that the new baby wouldn't come 2 months early like my daughter did. So, with a ready heart and mind, I started dieting. I ended up loosing a total of 43lbs. (woohoo)
Fast forward, I have been in a serious relationship for about 7 months. I have gained about 6lbs back, which in reality is NOTHING. I know it's nothing, but I seriously feel like shit about the way I look. I hate that my thighs jiggle. I hate that I have a muffin top, I hate that my arms are fat, I hate that my boobs sag and that I can't wear a two piece. I hate that there are other people more "perfect" then me. It makes me feel deficient. Trust me, I know how far I've come. I know that a lot of other people have a much greater struggle then I. I know this is really just minuscule in the scheme of life, but it has really gotten to me this week. I have a man who loves me for the beezy that I am. He loves me EXACTLY the way I am, and that isn't good enough. He constantly builds me up, spiritually and emotionally. I just can't get past this.
Last night, I read a blog from Myra at myblesssedlife.net. Although her blog isn't specifically about struggling with self-image, it really spoke to my heart. A big part of me feels like my best isn't good enough. No matter how hard I try, I will have all these physical (and other areas) imperfections. And at this stage in life, I feel this way not because anyone specifically says anything to me, it's just the expectation I've placed on myself. T and I talked after he got home from a men's bible study and He just spoke to me through T's lesson last night. Not only do I need to allow God's love and grace to be enough, but I have no right to doubt it. T is amazing with words in these situation. He truly knows how misguided my heart and thoughts are, but knows how to steer me in the right directions using those calm, encouraging words I so desperately need. After our talk, I laid in bed tossing and turning. I reflected upon all the things that have got me to this place, about the way I look. I need to forgive people for what they say. Truly forgive, not just excuse the comments. I need to work on letting God be sufficient, because no matter what, I will always fail myself. T will always fail me, work will always fail me, friends will fail me. The only thing perfect is God. I also need to realize that I am exactly what God made me to be. I was created after his image. I need to allow these words to penetrate my heart and wounds and allow them to soak in and be absorbed. I will only find satisfaction through Him.
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Speaking of failure, to go right along with T and Myra's "talks", I feel like I've failed Z in so many ways. This summer I had so many dreams and expectations for us. I wanted to do a lot of art with her, start writing, get better with colors, shapes, ABC's and numbers. Instead, I've sat on my butt, doing school work, overall not placing her first. She deserves so much more attention and better effort. UGH.
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I am also struggling with the way my ex is doing some things. He seems to have found a girl and is ready to introduce her to Z. I feel so uneasy about this. Just knowing where he is in life, it makes me wonder what kind of women would consider really dating him (enough to be a part of his daughters life). I know I have no room to judge and don't have the full story, but I just don't feel at ease about this.
I'm also bothered by the fact he keeps trying to add me on Google+ because he has personal things on there I am not ready to see or be apart of. I purposely hide those from him because I do not want to cause awkwardness, but he seems to not have that same respect. It may also be that I don't want to see him move on. I don't want him to be happy....he doesn't deserve it. (ouch that's harsh, and deep down I don't REALLY feel like that, but right now, I still have a lot of anger towards him) Honestly, I just want him to be away from me. I want to not have to always consider him, think about him or wonder how he's going to react to things in my own life.
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I'm kind of in a dark place. This time of summer, I always get restless and a bit depressed.

His plan is ALWAYS greater then mine.

*This was pulled from my FB account. Dates back to NYC times. It's lengthy but could be worth a read AND there is a reflection at the end. *

 

Such as life i suppose.

by Jasmine Lok on Sunday, April 1, 2007 at 1:17pm

so... it's almost been a year since we moved out here. 10 months.
i want to go back to where i was before. i miss my friends and family. the community there was unlike anything i have found or heard of.
am i holding on to the past to much? should i just let it all go. all the people.. all the memories... all the possibilities?
i know god will direct us in the right area, but until it's "right" my heart longs for what i had.
i feel like i've gone through a divorce that neither party wanted. my heart hurts so bad and i know others felt/feel that way too.
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things in NY have been getting better. we've forced ourselves to plug into a church. i'm not quite sure how i feel about it. i like the people, but i dont know, there's just something about it that i dont get. maybe it's because it's "too big". i dont get that sense of community amongst everyone.
no one prays for anyone. no one touches anyone. it's just more... sterile i suppose.

job hunting is going to SUCK!! i know nothing about any of the schools, nor where any of the schools are. so this shall be interesting. i'll have to start my masters next year, which i dont want to and will also suck.

we're probably moving to brooklyn in june when our lease is up. it's too expensive here and we'd like to save up more then what we are able to now. the commute into NYC will be the same (which will be awesome) but the rent will be $500-$700 less, so that would be even more awesome.
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over all, things are getting better here. as things get better here, i'm still finding myself wanting to go back to flagstaff more and more. i dont know. i'm crazy sometimes i know, but i just want to go back. i miss everything about it (even the snow which is WAY better then NY snow).
every once in a while aaron will say "let's move back. just cut our losses and move back" my heart always skips a beat because i know that there is still so much more for us to see and do in NY, but ultimately that means nothing when you dont have family or friends.
we wouldn't be so lonely. so distant from society. so lost.
i'm sure it'll get better, but when and will i have patients for it to actually happen?
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 REFLECTION
Wow, is all I can say.
Those of you who know me in "real life" and have had conversations with me about New York, know that I am IN LOVE with NYC and sorta, kinda, just a little bit, regret moving back to AZ in 2008. It's amazing to re-read this and see where I was in that stage of life. Even at moment of my life. I was working at the preschool and was still a TINY bit disconnected from my co-workers. Come July, when I moved,  I had developed friendships that would last a life time. I can not believe that I had such little faith in God at that moment. My co-workers were my greatest friends in NYC. My job, also became the best job I have ever had. I miss both on a regular basis. Although there are days when I miss my Flagstaff family, I had built a real, true, authentic community.

We ended up plugging into a church called Forefront. I still attend that church when I visit, and my cousin now goes there. I built several relationships there have carried through with my move to AZ. At the time, we did become very involved and left, loving the church and people.

We moved to Astoria, rented a 2 bedroom 1 bathroom, with a yard for about $1800. SUPER CHEAP and SUPER HUGE. We signed a 2 year lease. 2 months into that lease we found out we were pregnant and the landlord let us out of the lease no questions asked. It was literally a miracle. 
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There were many wonderful things about NYC that I was too blind to see at the time. Now looking back, I can recognize them. However, I also recognize something more important. Should I have stayed in NYC, I would have ended up completely alone and helpless in NYC during and after the divorce.  Did God for see what was going to happen to my marriage and choose to bring me home so I could have strong family support, guidance and help? Did God know that I would need a few years to build DEEP friendships to help me through the divorce? Did God know? I know there is free will. God knows all the choices a person can make and all the outcomes that will happen because of that choice.
It's taken me almost 4 years, but I see He was protecting me. Giving me what I needed, when I would need it. He put things into play WAY before I knew I would need them.
Again, I am so disappointed in myself. So disappointed that I so quickly lost faith in God. So disappointed how quickly I thought God wasn't present.

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3 Things
1) I am thankful for seeing God's plan
2) I am thankful for God's sovereign timing
3) I am thankful for a life that is good because of Him.

Realizations

God is been revealing a lot to me over the last several weeks. I’m grateful for this insight and that I am seeing Him move in my life.

First, God has shown me that what I thought I knew love was, was in fact incorrect. In my marriage, neither party was patient, kind, forgiving etc. Intimacy was rare. Through time, I started associating intimacy with love. “When I love you, I am intimate with you”.  I started to feel as if I wasn’t loved because he wasn’t intimate with me. This realization brought me back to the whole reason I became saved to begin with. 1 Corinthians 13.

The realization that someone or something (God) should/could be patient, kind, isn’t envious, keeps no record of wrong and isn’t’ easily angered etc.(really badly summarized)  by my actions was infeasible. I grew up in a house where a lot of this wasn’t shown or displayed. When I read this, I knew this is what I wanted and what I needed in my life and also how I wanted to reflect love in my life.

Now, as I’m entering into a new, real relationship, I am finding that I’m putting that “when I love you, I am intimate with you” mentality back into place. BUT when I take a step back (which has only been recently, as this realization only hit me on Wednesday as I was driving home) I’m seeing that I don’t need to. Its misplaced assumptions.

T is so amazingly patient with me, it is unbelievable. I cannot ever put into words how surprised I am how he reacts to me when I flip my lid, or say something harsh, or go through something difficult. He is always slow to anger, slow to speak and eager to listen. He forgives me for all my little flaws, wrong doings and understands that I am working on those things and prays for me/with me.  To me, he truly embodies 1 Corinthians 13. Realizing this is what I have in my life, has pointed out to me the misguided feelings and thoughts I have on what love is. Although this realization was pulled out through the relationship T and I have, it’s God that even put this feeling on my heart and its God that made me realize the association I had with it. 

                Second, God is teaching me that I need to constantly pray for myself and my family. In recent weeks, I have been attacked spiritually with thoughts of fear, doubt and withdrawal.

When I was at my “peek” relationship with God in college, I was very aware of the spiritual realm. I constantly prayed for myself. I never felt anything bad or negative around me and just assumed it was how my life would work. Since realigning my walk with God, I haven’t prayed for this aspect of my life at all. I was totally ignorant to it.

Two weeks ago, I started to withdraw from my routine with God (Bible study, listening to worship music, wanting community). That Tuesday, the song, Blessed be your name (by Tree63) came on. In all times past, this has been a song that has ALWAYS lifted my spirits weather I was needing it or not. That morning, I DISTINCLY did NOT want to listen to it and I turned it off. There was a part in me that cringed when I did that, but I ignored it and moved on. That Thursday, I went to my first RC group (like a Bible study) and the ENTIRE time I was there, I was just angry. (I was angry because of what I felt like I was owed from God. I was mad he had taken away the community I had, the leadership I was in, groups I had lead. I was jealous that there was someone there whose walk with God was so deep and passionate as compared to mine. Really, all silly things) The anger took over and despite the authentic relationship and community this group of people has with each other, the desire for me to connect into a Bible study, I did not want to be a part of it.  I left discouraged. I felt like I was starting all over again and I didn’t want to do it. On a side note, I had been a part of MANY Bible studies since college and have never felt this way before.  T pointed out that a lot of this is fear and that the enemy could be using this against me and getting a grip on me.  Just to make things go full circle, that following Sunday, one of the last songs we sang at the end of the service was Blessed be your name.  Seeing, reading and singing those words are exactly what I needed that day. It made me realize that He will give and take away but regardless I need to keep my focus on God, blessed is His name. Even when the darkness closes in, I need to keep my focus on God, blessed is His name.             

I walked away from that week realizing how quickly I turn my back on God and try to do things myself, or lose faith that He can do it for me.  I learned that one negative seed can quickly sprout if I don’t pray about that aspect of my life.

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3 Things

1) I am thankful for a God who is caring, merciful and patient

2) I am thankful for the relationship that I am rebuilding with God

3) I am thankful for all the amazing things He is whispering into my ear. ALWAYS at the right moment. 

Obedience Vs. Willing Heart

Is there anything wrong with doing something out of obedience rather then a willing heart?

When The Ex and I left the last church we attended together, I started going to churches on Sunday in search of "home". Home didn't come (it would take about 2 1/2 years to find something I could call home). After a while I just kind of picked a church and attended it regularly because I knew that is what God would want me to do . Not because I wanted to go, but because I knew it was the right thing to do.

Once I moved out of the house, I switched between NCC and Vineyard North Phoenix. Both very good churches, I just never felt connected and struggled to stay connected through small groups or functions. At this point, I was really angry with God and really didn't want to go to church. But I continued to go. I hated going a lot. It was such a "hassle". I had to get Z ready often times and figure out what service would be best for us, or coordinate with my parents if she was going to go to church with them. I was tired of sitting by myself in service. Yet I continued to go.

Through out this time, I tithed on a regular basis. I wanted to support "my" church, but my heart wasn't happily/willingly giving. I just did it out of respect for God.

She Who Can Not Be Named, sometimes questioned me on this. Asking me why I can't just give happily with an open heart. God has given me EVERYTHING I could ever need or want. Why was I being so selfish. I don't even deserve Jesus' sacrifice. That alone should be enough.
Her comment to me has stuck with me and kind of put a damper into me doing things. Sometimes I have felt guilty for doing something even though I didn't want to.

S, my mentor, has always mentioned how important it is to stay in The Word even if your heart isn't in the right place. She points out that the enemy is sneeky and will get his hands on you easily especially if you are not regularly surrounding yourself with God.

Today T and I were serving. He asked me if we should take two cars so that I could get Z if I needed to. He didn't want me to feel obligated to stay just because he was there. This conversation sparked these same emotions from the conversation I had with SWCNBN. Why was I doing this? Because I really wanted to or because I wanted to support T?

Ultimately I really truly believe that God blesses those who serve, tithe and worship. Even if their hearts aren't always willing. There is so much scripture that talks about obeying God, serving him faithfully. Sometimes, when you're in a dark phase, that is all you can do to keep yourself connected to him.

My heart is really turning back into a "willing heart". I want it to be there. It's amazing what three years in a dark place can do. I'm so disappointed that I let myself to get there, that I didn't have faith in God, even though I always thought I did. I was blind but now I see. I'm ready for this new adventure and I am very excited. I realize that I depended too much on myself and not enough on Him. I'm working on this.
(Side note: "I'm working on this" seems to be the term of this season for me)

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3 Things
1) I am thankful for an all forgiving God. 
2) I am thankful T going out on a limb and serving
3) I am thankful for my daughter. She's finally turning back into herself.

Timing

God's timing is PERFECT but always a little funny/awkward/hard to decipher.

After going what's essentially amounted to 5 years without a real passion/conviction/desire for God, I really think I've found it. Not only have I found that passion to PLEASE God, but it's also come with convictions.

Conviction is something I've never really experienced in my walk with God before. A lot of it has to do with the church I am going to. Redemption Church has a lot of relevant, real and convicting sermons. Right now we're going through the book of James. So far, every week I've attended, I've walked away feeling I need to do more or change the way I've been doing something.
Week 1: Certain aspects of my relationship with T
Week 2: Reconnecting with people in the church/bible studies/community service
Week 3: Sick, didn't go, but HEAVY burden to start tithing again
Week 4: Serving/Leadership.
 Not only am I having these convictions, but they aren't going away. There are emotions that are coming about because of these convictions.  I truly am desiring to change these things or get back into the flow of things.


Relationship. Although I was looking to date guys, it was definitely halfheartedly. Not only was it halfheartedly, but I NEVER thought anything long term/serious could come of any of the guys I had talked to or went on dates with. I was just "getting my toes wet". I had written my list of requirements, but all the guys I dated/picked were lacking in one crucial area (among other areas). A belief in God. Not just a belief, but the desire, yearning for a relationship with Him. The passion to serve Him and to lead a family. T really is amazing. He embodies and has the desire/potential to be those things that I need. I've learned that in ANY relationship I am in, God must be first.
Anyways, back on topic. It's funny/frightening that I have found a relationship I could be proud of. I'm noticing how awkward it is for everyone else, that T and I are actually dating, but it is what it is and I am not going to avoid this relationship because it makes people uncomfortable.

Schooling. Although I've said many times "I'd never go back to school", I had often time asked The Ex to let me go back. He always said no because it would be too much of a burden on him having to pick up the extra slack of taking care of Z. He just said that he'd work more hours to make up for the income I could potentially make. After we went our own ways, the first thought I had was "go back to school". I start in May. The end result will help me to achieve my dreams. The dreams I thought were only possible because of the income The Ex brought in. Now I'm seeing that the more I rely on God, the more this is going to fall into place and truly help me achieve that dream.

Dreams. I haven't had real dreams since my friend S went on his first tour of Iraq. That was when I first moved to NYC, so 2006. Since then, not only has my relationship with God discintigrated, but the gift he has given me has weekend.
I went to my dad's house this past week to have dinner. After my dad left, I had "women" talk with my step-mom (that's what she called it). Among many things we talked about, she brought this up. She told me she had been praying for me in this area, that God would bring it back and draw me closer. Its ironic because that whole week I had been having very vivid clear dreams and they haven't stopped since then. Nothing prophetic or ground breaking, but definitely poignant, honest, vivid and sometimes scary.

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All of this is happening RIGHT NOW. RIGHT NOW my life is changing in the direction I have only drempt of/prayed for. I CAN NOT BELIEVE that all of this is coming together after such a dark and empty period in my life, not just spiritually, but clearly in my marriage as well. I have prayed for a spiritual leader for almost 8 years. I have wanted to go back to school for at least 4 years. I have dearly missed my dreams. And secretly unbeknownst to me, I've wanted conviction in my life.
It is perfect timing. I'm realizing more and more as I'm away from The Ex and in a relationship with T, that if I would have been given ANY of this, I would not have been ready for it. I would've failed at it. I know this is GIVEN to me and they are all precious gifts. I am prepared for the responsibility and ready to step up to the plate. I want all of this and I will honor God by trying to do it the right way, because He is the one who has given it to me and can also take it away at any point.

Church, God, Faith and Hope

Hope is all I have most days. Hope that what I want, what I worked for will come true. Hope that my desires will come true. Hope that God and I will reconnect on a deep level again.

Faith is what I try to have in God all the days. I fail at this a lot lately. Taking things into my own hand. Not trusting, not seeking Him out.

God is who I'm missing, who I can't find, who I'm searching for. I don't see Him in nature anymore, or feel him in music or in His Word. Prayer is empty.

Church is a waste of time. After looking for 3 years, I'm about ready to give up. I'm drifting from place to place, can't seem to plug in. Tithing to places that don't directly affect me (is this selfish?), joining small groups that fall apart. I just can't seem to catch a break.


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Here's a recipe I can not wait to try during the summer. Just like the author, I've been guilty of calling people "vanilla" or plain or Plain Jane. BUT this Sweet Vanilla Iced Tea sounds, looks and reads amazingly.

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3 Things
1) I am thankful for a really enjoyable weekend
2) I am thankful for friendships that don't require a lot of maintenance
3) I am thankful for new romances

Blank

I've sat here for 30 minutes trying to figure out what to write. I'm a bit blank tonight. In a good way.

Came across this today, while talking to a friend. Was a great reminder. 

Hebrews 12:7-11 (New International Version, ©2010)

 ⁷ Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as his children. For what children are not disciplined by their father? ⁸ If you are not disciplined—and everyone undergoes discipline—then you are not legitimate, not true sons and daughters at all. ⁹ Moreover, we have all had human fathers who disciplined us and we respected them for it. How much more should we submit to the Father of spirits and live! ¹⁰ They disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, in order that we may share in his holiness. ¹¹ No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.

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3 Things
1) I am thankful for free will
2) I am thankful for time to myself
3) I am thankful for friends I can tell anything to.

Simple and Short: 3 or 4Things

1) Today I am thankful for a friend who I can speak to freely and not worry about her judging me.

2) Today I am thankful for a husband who has worked till 10pm the last two nights (missing dinner with my family and not being able to say goodbye to his daughter) to make our dreams come true.

3) Today I am thankful for a "free" day, where I could do whatever I wanted. 

4) Today I am thankful for God, and knowing I can take refuge in his mercy and grace.

God really does have an odd sense of humor.

This past weekend Aaron took off to go visit some friends in Oregon. I took the opportunity to head up to Flagstaff to see a dear friend get married. While there, it was some what of a reunion for a lot of my dear, close, christian friends who I do not get to see often enough, worship with ever and live life with. Boy was I in for a treat.
Not only was I put to work right as I got to my friends house, but I worked long hours. It's ok though, because 1) I was in awesome company and 2) the wedding turned out beautiful and I will forever be a part of it. So needless to say, Friday and Saturday morning were VERY hectic.
The wedding took place Saturday at 6pm. It had rained pretty much all day and stopped just in time for the wedding. God is awesome huh? Always knows what we need. Didn't end up at home till after 11pm.
Sunday we headed back to the house for a time of worship and spending some time in the Word.

I have to tell you that it has been a very long time since I have been with all these people worshiping together. God really knew our hearts and met us there. I believe He really touched everyone of us. It was so amazing to be reminded that "church" can be anywhere with anyone and that I have amazing friends who care about me and know my heart. I left feeling more refreshed and secure in my faith then I have felt since leaving NYC (3 years if you're counting, I am).
I titled this post "God really does have an odd sense of humor" because I find it really hilarious that 1) despite the fact of going to dozens of churches of the last few years I haven't EVER felt the awe and power of God unless with these people and 2) that it takes these people to be around me and to worship with me to be reminded of how great He is. Why can't He just let me feel like that all the time? It's not like I haven't been looking for it or asking for it etc. :) I'm not mad, just think it's funny.

Because I have to talk about food, I wanted to let you know that I made these "Zesty Lemon Cookies" but with lime that was left over from the wedding. They were outrageously good!

Recently I've come across this blog, and would like to try writing three things I am thankful for. Aaron and I used to do this as a husband and wife thing, but ever since he stopped believing in God, we've kind of drifted from it. So, I will pick it up here. :) I think it will be a good reminder for me to remember what is important and that I am provided for in every aspect of my life. So here goes:

1) I am thankful for a husband who works extra hard to provide for all of our dreams.
2) I am thankful for a healthy daughter who has defied they odds (she was a preemie and they weren't quite sure for a bit)
3) I am thankful for a diverse set of friends, some who are believers and some who are not, who know me and love me despite how "whacked" I may be. :) 
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What are some things you are thankful for today?

Also, technical help needed, if someone can tell me how to "reply" to a comment rather then adding an additional comment, you'd be a life save. Thanks!