Sudden Resolution

When I was 13, I went to the Glendale Public Library with my friends. I remember this was a bit exciting because my dad let me out of the house for a bit to do a research project. My friends brother and his friend were going to be there. We walked to a seating area that was located behind some shurubery.
I remember as we approached the girls I saw this kid that looked like a bird. He was scrawny and had a big nose. There was no attraction. I remember he pursued me to no end. I was flattered that a boy would pay this much attention to me and I enjoyed that attention.
Fast forward 13 years later, and that flattery is far gone.
My friend E has been bugging me to call the judge who is handling our case because she felt like it was odd he wasn't signing off on our papers, despite the fact that we had agreed 100% on the terms. So I called yesterday, left a message and never heard back. Last night while talking to a friend, the divorce came up and he was basically kind of reiterating everything a lot of other people have said to me. So this morning, these two conversations were weighing heavy on my heart. Today around noon, I decided to try to find more information on who to call regarding the divorce processes. I finally got a hold of a human and explained to them my situation. She told me that our February 14th court date (WTF by the way right?!) had been canceled. I asked her why and she said because the divorce was finalized. I asked her to clarify because I didn't understand. She said that as of December 15, 2010, the divorce had been finalized. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. All this time, that I was Ms. Lok and I had no idea.
I immediately started crying.

First I panicked for a few seconds.WTF.... I have no one I'm attached to. I am all by myself. I can do whatever I want. I AM SINGLE, alone.

Seconds later, the tears that streamed down my face were out of pure excitement. I couldn't and still can't believe what was given to me so quickly. My heart skipped beats. My new life flashed before my eyes. All the possibilities came to life. Instant relief came over my body. Everything loosened up and was relaxed. I could breath again.
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3 Things
1) I'm thankful for a sudden resolution to my divorce
2) I'm thankful for feeling life on 2 hours of sleep
3) I'm thankful that I don't have to spend Valentine's day in court.

The benefits of NO friends with benefits

 :::Warning: Too Much Information below, parents, don't read if you're going to judge!:::

I'm realizing more and more that this is some sort of socially exceptable relationship in the "real world". I honestly had no idea and kind of fell into it TWICE not realizing what their expectations were.
This is why I won't do it again.

First off, there is self respect. I'm learning more and more that my mind nor my heart wants this type of relationship. My heart wants to be in a committed and exclusive relationship. Where there is respect for each other, communication, value and honesty. Not a booty call or "weekend friends". I'm learning to stand up for what I believe in and not cave into desire, which is fleeting. Maintaining my dignity and self respect is definitely a benefit of having no friends with benefits.

Secondly, who does it benefit to sleep around? These days it's very common for people to "date" multiple people at once. I know my definition of "dating" is clearly not what the average American practices. Therefore I'm assuming when they are "dating" other people they are also sleeping with other people (unless exclusivity has been spoken about). So not only does this really minimalize the intimacy within sex but also is a great way to spread STD's. Clearly a clean bill of health is a benefit of having no friends with benefits.

Lastly, I hate having to dance around or tip toe through a FWB relationship. It messes with my mind and I don't want that or need that. I appreciate knowing where my position is on the "totem pole". Nor do I want to have to worry about "the other girl". It's not right for me or any other girl to be sleeping with a guy when he's "seeing" someone else. I don't ever want to be "that girl" EVER.

Fitting for tonight's post.
Young the Giant- My Body
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3 Things
1) I am thankful for being able to stand up again for what I believe and feel
2) I am thankful for Z playing with me
3) I am thankful for NOT breaking my toe after rolling over it with a cart filled with $400 worth of bottled water and candy. OUCH!!

When will Jasmine move out? That is the question Part 2

*Sorry for the lack of posts lately, I've been overly busy. ;)
Let's revisit this topic for a moment. (If you didn't read the first one, read it here)

First off, it's official, I am moving out the weekend of Feburary 12th. I'm still nervous as heck. I love my family so dearly and so appreciate their help and dedication. It's going to be hard to be on my own. I don't want to depend on my friend "family" the way I do my family. It's not right. There are moments when I doubt my abilities to do this on my own, BUT here are the facts:
1) I'm a freakin strong person
2) I'm pretty logical, I've got commen sense and I'm some what smart
3) I have great friends in Buckeye that will support me and encourage me.
4) I have amazing family in Glendale that will support me and love me and help me when I need it
5) I'm independant.

I've got a pretty good head on my shoulder. I was raised by 4 wonderful parents who have all contributed hours upon hours to my growth as a child, teenager and adult. The combination of parents I have is so amazingly diverse, I really think it's what makes me so level.

Even if I end up moving home (which I don't see happening) a friend of mine told me this today:

"You have to be allowed to make mistakes in your life other wise you'll never grow."

This move is no where near a mistake, but it sometimes feels like a blind leap of faith for me. I'll be honest when I say the move wasn't my idea. I have three friends who have really pushed for this move, and I can say with 100% honesty, I trust their judgment, insight and opinions. I FEEL it's the right move it's the lack of seeing the future that makes me hesitate the slightest.

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3 Things
1) I'm thankful for freakin amazingly fun friends. 
2) I'm thankful for a daughter who cuddled ever so slightly with me today
3) I'm thankful for the slow drive home today.

Unsure of the unsure

Anxiety is something I have never struggled with. In fact, in the past I've been pretty unsympathetic to those who have struggled with it. I've always felt those who struggle with anxiety were either causing their own issues or didn't know how to handle the issues that arose in their life.

Since September, I have had 2 small anxiety attacks and countless moments of anxiety ridden thoughts. I hate the feeling. I hate that my heart races in a bad way and gets heavy. I hate that my stomach gets sick and that I can't sit still. I hate that every time it happens, I feel like I'm not in control of the situation. (Maybe the point of the anxiety is to open my eyes up to the things I shouldn't panic about or try to control??)

A few days ago I did a bit of snooping around on the internet and found out a few things that kind of bothered me. One potentially good and one just awkward. They instigated the "situation" that day. It only lasted a few minutes, but regardless, it's interesting that I am experiencing this. 

I'm pretty sure that most of the anxiety is happening because I am in a phase of my life where my ground isn't solid like it used to be. I have never been one who didn't have a plan, a goal, an idea or a dream. Since single-hood, so many options have arisen and have been thrown my way. Anything from opening my own business, getting a masters to moving out of state.  I am embracing this phase of my life but still hate the fact that I do not have a solid foundation to raise my daughter on. <- This is what makes me scared shitless. This is what keeps me up at night more often then anything else. This is what gets my heart racing in a "not fun" way.  This is what gives me anxiety.

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3 Things
1) I am thankful that my dad is a freakin awesome cook
2) I am thankful for the opportunity to play on a softball team with friends
3) I am thankful for a SOLID full nights sleep.

Stuck in reverse

*Disclaimer: I know that a lot of my posts have been "downers" but I am not depressed, these things have just been on my heart.*

There was a day when I was obsessed with Coldplay. I played their CD over and over. These days I can rarely tolerate them.

Today while driving home, this song came over the radio. Instead of turning it, I just decided to "suffer" through it. Although I believe this song is about a struggling love, this is not what caught my attention. It was the first part, that really struck a nerve with me.

"When you try your best but don't succeed

When you get what you want but not what you need

When you feel so tired but you can't sleep.."

~Coldplay, FixYou

So often I feel like no matter what I do, I can't or won't succeed at it, that I'm a disappointment, that I can't get ahead of the game. I also realize that I spend way too much time getting what I want instant gratification anyone? and not enough time searching out what I need.  Most nights/days, I run myself into the ground so I can keep my mind occupied on other things. Yet, I still lay in bed for a bit before I can fall asleep.

I need to learn that the only opinion that really matters (aside from God) is mine. If I am happy and content with my behaviors, actions, choices, opinions, etc, then what does it matter what anyone else thinks. I need to stop being a people please-er ALL the time.

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3 Things
1) I am thankful to be able to stand firm in circumstances that aren't good for me
2) I am thankful for a full nights rest last night (8 hours)
3) I am thankful for "professional development"

Hey Jealousy!

I struggle with jealousy.
When I'm in a relationship, I become insecure. I become doubtful as to whether or not I'll be able to maintain that relationship. Fearful that they'll find someone else better, newer, etc.

When I was married, the jealousy I had was fostered by inappropriate relationships that The Ex had had as a teenager with other girls. Later on, it was only made worse by an addiction. I was always afraid he'd meet a girl, become emotionally connected to her like he had in the past and leave. In some VERY SMALL aspects, this is what happened. Although he regularly reassured me that he was not, I struggled to believe him. I would get nervous when he'd go out with "untrustworthy" friends. I'd panic when he wouldn't come home or call if he was out past the time he'd say.
I just didn't know how to move on from that feeling. Sometimes I would just ignore it and other times I would ask/confront him about it. He was always honest, I believe, which did reassure me in that moment.

Exploring new friendships and eventual relationships will be a new time for me. I will have to over come the tendency to be jealous. There is no part of me that wants to feel this way and no part of me that wants to place these ill conceived feelings on a friend or possible partner.
Some part of me wonders if this fear of abandonment comes from my childhood. If some how I'm still "dealing" with this issue.
I know I need to give it up to God. Ultimately I just make excuses not to.

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3 Things
1) I am thankful for a fire drill that got me out of school 10 minutes early
2) I am thankful for my brother working out with me last night
3) I am thankful for the new friendships I am continuing to build.

When life gives you lemons

Life has given me a few lemons lately. BUT I'm making lemonade with them AND it's going to be the best damn lemonade anyone has every had. ;)

It's been an interesting weekend to say the least. I'm learning so much. I'm making the mistakes I need to to grow. I'm making the decisions I need to to become independent, to stand up to The Ex, to become an adult. I'm guarding my heart as much as I see fit.

This week a close friend of mine told me I need to start making decisions for myself or I'm not going to survive the real world. That was harsh, but boy was it an eye opener. 


This is going to be an awesome adventure. I can not wait.

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3 Things
1) Today I am thankful for all the time I spent with Z at The Children Museum
2) Today I am thankful for maturity
3) Today I am thankful for my bestest friend, who is getting ready to serve his 3rd tour over seas.