The Importance of DGAF'ing It.

In college I did it A LOT. I kinda felt like a slob. I'd wake up, roll out of bed, put socks and shoes on and head to work. Sometimes I'd put my hair back and most times I'd brush my teeth. I just didn't care. In New York, I cared. Everyday. I had to. It's Manhattan. When I moved back to Arizona, I fell back into the old habit. Well as much as I could for being a "professional".

My sister, is always well put together. Has her hair done, dresses nicely, make-up on etc. I always admired that about her. She looks so beautiful among other wonderful attributes she has. A few weeks back, I noticed that her hair was straight, unwashed and her make-up wasn't as perfect as usual. I asked her what was going on and she said she was "DGAF'ing it".

DGAF'ING?! WTF is that? :)
Apparently it means I "Don't Give A F**k". So when I say I'm DGAF'ing it, I mean I don't care what I look like, I'm just trying to get through the day.

In college, it was just habit. There was no meaning. I just didn't care what so ever. Had no need to. I was married. I worked full-time and I went to school full-time. I also maintained a house and deep friendships.

After moving back to Arizona, I have slowly grown out of the DGAF'ing phase. I've appreciated coming into my own. Even if it took 8 years. ;)
So, why is it important? There are moments in a person's life when a they just needs to relax. Just be. Just exist. And not have to worry about anything other then her day to day tasks. When I DGAF it, I'm usually making a statement. Usually trying to prove a point to myself. That I can relax. That image isn't everything. That I don't have to be "perfect" all the time. It's an awesome moment these days. Totally too much information, but the times I DGAF it, it's awesome. I don't take a shower for a few days. Just roll out of bed, pull my hair back, brush my teeth and head out the door. This seriously saves me an hour! An hour! That's 7 more hours of sleep a week. Those 7 hours could mean someones life.
Basically, it's good for my soul to DGAF it every once in a while. To NOT give a f**k. I care too much all the other times, not just about myself but everything else in my world. I and you too, deserve to DGAF it every once in a while.

So, in conclusion, DGAF'ING is awesome, necessary and a right. Don't judge people who do it.

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3 Things
1) I am thankful for coworkers allowing me to participate in their practices
2) I am thankful for the opportunity to make my own choices and learn from them
3) I am thankful for my sister, who has taught me a multitude of things

Sweet Disposition

I remember when I was young I would dream about what my life would be like as an adult. I always envisioned that I would have a sweet, dear husband, who treasured me and talked to me tenderly. I envisioned myself as a sweet women with happiness beaming out of me uncontrollably. Sitting on our rocking chairs on the porch, watching people as they pass by our house. Our disposition would be sweet. Very sweet.

Whenever I hear The Temper Trap's Sweet Disposition, it kind of brings me back to that childhood thought. It makes me analyze my disposition in life. Am I happy? Does it show? If not, what can I do to fix it?

One time, right before our divorce, The Ex and I got into a disagreement about religion. He basically was making fun of me for getting emotionally caught up into Christian worship music. I quickly brought up how he consistently air guitars/drums/sings to his music because he too get's caught up in music. The whole point of music is to evoke emotion.

This song does exactly that for me. Not only that, but it stirs something within me to do better, be better and dream better. 

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3 Things
1) I am thankful for honesty among friends
2) I am thankful for pain in relationships
3) I am thankful for my sweet daughter and the 3 years God has given me with her.

When will Jasmine move out? That is the question.

I know it's not an ideal situation living at home in your parents house with your child. I know that there is growth that needs to happen before I am ready to be an "adult". I know that there is definitely a convenience that comes with living with family, a dependency.


BUT
I need the accountability that my brother and sister offer.
I need the reliability of their words.
I need the perspective.
I need the example.

HOWEVER
I want my own space
I want my own food
I want my own schedule
I want my own freedom
I want the capability to come and go as I please
I want to be able to walk around naked (TMI)
I want to be the only one who disciplines my daughter.
I want to be more aware of what my daughter eats (everyone just feeds her stuff)
I want to cook my own food
I want to buy all the food in my house.
I want to not be embarrassed to invite people over
I want to have parties (I miss Rockband)
I want to pay for my own place
MOST IMPORTANTLY
I want to live on my own for once.

So, my ultimate goal this year was to move out in May. At this point, I'm leaning towards sooner. MAYBE. I so desperately need it, but I'm having a hard time "growing up" as some would say. It's also very purposeful that there are "I want's" and "I need's". Praying that these get solidified in my heart so I can make the right move at the right time.
________________
I was watching Jon Stewart today (the episode talking about the Tucson shootings) and he said this quote:

"someone or something will shatter our world again"

For some reason, these words just felt fitting for my life. I know he didn't mean it for me, but heck, I'll take it when I can get it.

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3 Things
1) Today I am thankful for friends and family that can help me make the appropriate rough choice in life
2) Today I am thankful that I hand the balls to stand up for what I believed is right
3) Today I am thankful for an empty/silent house.

Minimum Requirements

    My sister read Redeeming Love. After she read it, she fell in love with the story. She fell in love with the idea of having one person who cared for you no matter what you did. Who loved you no matter where you came form. It inspired her to write a list of "requirements" for a man to have before she would date them. Like my sister, neither of us view dating as "casual". I have a hard time dating someone just to date them. If I am going to date them, it's going to be because I see the potential for a life partner. (Dating and going on a date are two different things to me)

    After my divorce, she has asked and asked for me to read it. I haven't mustered up the courage to do it yet. For some reason I'm afraid. I'll do it one day, I will. But she has encouraged me to write my own list. It didn't take me long to write a few things down. As I am venturing out into dating-hood I am experiencing things I never knew that I wanted and things that I never knew I didn't want. It's always easy to say coming out of my marriage the things that I don't want, so this is definitely a growing list.

*Disclaimer*
1) Don't judge me
2) This is brutally honest
3) In no particular order

Original Date: 1/11/11

• Must believe in God
• Needs to be close with his family
• Enjoy quality time together
• Share some of the same interests
• Have a great sense of humor
• Must be generous
• No history of depression
• Wants children
• Likes to travel -> including day trips
• Clean
• Active -> Plays sports, exercises etc.
• Financially smart, stable and logical
• Is a participant in life, not a bystander
• Cuddler
• Sensitive
• Emotionally strong
• Supportive
• Sarcastic
• Tactful
• Attractive
• Has a career
• Is a dreamer
• Sets goals and achieves them
• Social
• Honest
• Affectionate
• Compassionate/Caring
• Intuitive
• Has integrity
• Loyal
• Good listener
• Protective
• Loves Z
• Gets along with my family
• Appreciates DIVERSE food.

*Edited 1/17/11

• Knows how to cook
• Is a safe driver ->because I am not
• Frank about issues, doesn't beat around the bush. Get's to the point.
• Tender
• Relatively clean language

I can easily justify every single one of these to myself and to whoever I end up choosing or not choosing to marry. There is just no need to do that here. 

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3 Things
1) I am thankful for my dad's sense of humor: he wanted to make grilled cheese today
2) I am thankful my step mom came home safe from Ca
3) I am thankful Z is NOT getting sick, like I thought she was.

Masters Vs. Desire

1987

As a child, before my parents got divorced, my mom always made an effort to celebrate my birthday with my classmates. I remember one year in preschool she asked me what kind of cake I wanted. I told her that I wanted it to be purple. She made this beautiful purple cake with a rainbow and My Little Ponies on it. She brought it to school so we could celebrate my birthday. I remember sitting at the table in front of my cake. I had my "BFF" Kyle next to me as well as a turd Travis on the other side. I remember them singing Happy Birthday to me. I remember them cutting the cake up. I remember them handing a slice to Ashley who was so very mean to me and I felt she didn't deserve any of my awesome cake that my "Mommy" had made for ME.

It's memories like these that make me want to stay home with my daughter. Today as I was driving away from her preschool I thought about how lazy I am because I was even DEBATING whether or not to get her anything for her class to celebrate her birthday. That's when the memory of my mom's cake came to mind. I know that if and when (summer time) I am home full-time I am an amazing mother as opposed to just a mother. I want to help her make those precious, life remembering memories.

After the memory faded this morning, I found it kind of funny that I'm getting ready to start my master's but my heart is being pulled to stay home. I'm mentally taking steps to become more disconnected with my child so that I can provide for her by getting my masters, but my heart whispers something "dedicate more time to your daughter, don't be absent, don't half ass this job".

I will be getting something for her class (I'd totally make it, but them days is over!) AND I'm sucking it up and The Ex and I are taking her to Jump Street together on Saturday.
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3 Things
1) I am thankful for my dad who ALWAYS takes care of Z without hesitation
2) I am thankful for a strong up bringing, despite it's draw backs
3) I am thankful for a GOOD teaching day.

Church, God, Faith and Hope

Hope is all I have most days. Hope that what I want, what I worked for will come true. Hope that my desires will come true. Hope that God and I will reconnect on a deep level again.

Faith is what I try to have in God all the days. I fail at this a lot lately. Taking things into my own hand. Not trusting, not seeking Him out.

God is who I'm missing, who I can't find, who I'm searching for. I don't see Him in nature anymore, or feel him in music or in His Word. Prayer is empty.

Church is a waste of time. After looking for 3 years, I'm about ready to give up. I'm drifting from place to place, can't seem to plug in. Tithing to places that don't directly affect me (is this selfish?), joining small groups that fall apart. I just can't seem to catch a break.


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Here's a recipe I can not wait to try during the summer. Just like the author, I've been guilty of calling people "vanilla" or plain or Plain Jane. BUT this Sweet Vanilla Iced Tea sounds, looks and reads amazingly.

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3 Things
1) I am thankful for a really enjoyable weekend
2) I am thankful for friendships that don't require a lot of maintenance
3) I am thankful for new romances

Over the past 7 years...

I wouldn't change a thing.

Everything happened the way it was supposed to.
I'm proud of those 7 years
A lot was accomplished
Growth was made
Fun was had
Pain was endured
Life was created
But most of all.....
Every up and down was an amazing experience.

NO regrets
"There are no regrets in life, just lessons." ~Jennifer Aniston
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3 Things
1) I am thankful for my parents (mom AND dad) who ALWAYS cook me food.
2) I am thankful that I have this moment in time to live with with my dad.
3) I am thankful for the "full" sensation I have been able to recognizing.
4) I am thankful for a great night out with dear friends. It's been way too long.