Today I felt God

1/30/11
Today I went to church with T. It was our first time going to church together and it was a church neither of us had been to.
Once we got inside, we found our seats. I tend to sight in the middle of the middle if that makes any sense. This way I can see the worship team AND the pastor when he speaks. I don't venture much from this area.
Before worship even started, I immediately had flashbacks to Flagstaff Vineyard. I saw the electric violin, the 5 guitars, the electric bass, piano and drums not to mention the 3 microphones. It all brought back memories, feelings, things longed for.
Worship started. It was pretty good. I felt the passion from the worship team as they played and I felt it in the audience. Their song selection had a very familiar flow. My heart was softening.
The sermon was over James 1: 13-17.

 ¹³ When tempted, no one should say, “God is tempting me.” For God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does he tempt anyone; ¹⁴ but each person is tempted when they are dragged away by their own evil desire and enticed. ¹⁵ Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death.
 ¹⁶ Don’t be deceived, my dear brothers and sisters. ¹⁷ Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows. 

The entire sermon was about taking responsibility for your temptations/sin and not blaming them on the devil, your neighbor, your friend etc. The pastor also talked a lot about what needs to be done to remedy the situation and how it can also start to consume your life. 

Really, it was a slap in the face. As I'm sitting here typing this, I'm realizing many other aspects of my life that this touches upon. For example: choosing to walk away from God because of my anger towards Him. I blamed Him for things that were happening in my life, rather then REALLY stepping up and taking responsibility. Although it was a painful slap, it is much welcomed. The fact that I felt the slap, let alone His presence left a huge smile on my face. 

After going so long with out feeling His presence, and then randomly, unexpectedly getting such a "comforting touch" is amazing.

I'm really praying this is the reboot of my relationship with Him. I've really missed Him. A LOT.

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3 Things

1) I am thankful for God putting someone in my life who is very patient with me.

2) I am thankful for friends C in NYC and R in Seattle. I love those girls and miss them. 

3) I am thankful that God has ALWAYS provided me what what I've needed, not always what I WANTED, but what I needed.

Supportiveness and Encouragment

I've never experienced true support in my life..... until recently.  My family tries so hard, but I know that I let them down. I know that a lot of times our ideas, opinions, and beliefs do not align. I can imagine how hard it is to support someone who is doing something you don't believe in or don't want them to do. I've been there.

I've been blessed enough to have some amazing friends who no matter what I tell them, have chosen to walk beside me. Letting me make my mistakes and supporting me in the choices I make. Even better is that they tell me they support me. Now, I'm not saying that they support free reign, but they are letting me make my own choices and helping me every step of the way. They are not judgmental but speak the truth. They do not separate themselves from me because of the choices I make, but draw themselves closer.
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Encouragement is another area I felt has lacked in my life. The Ex tried to encourage me, but it just never meant anything. It never stuck, it never motivated me. I think because a part of me knew he didn't really mean it.

It's interesting having friends and family who are ENCOURAGING me to go out and do things, meet people, live on my own, support myself, go back to school, etc. It's nice to know that they think I can do it. It helps me to believe in myself because as a single mom, working full time with nothing to really show for it... sometimes it can be hard.

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3 Things
1) I am thankful that my sister and I can have honest, painful conversations for the sake of God and having an authentic relationship
2) I am thankful for a restful weekend
3) I am thankful for antibiotics. Z had strep this week and is doing MUCH better.

I still believe in marriage

George Clooney won't do it again
Jim Carrey doubts it'll happen for himself
Hundreds of other "normal" people run away from it.

Marriage is something that I still believe in. No matter what I've been through, I'm serious when I say I know it can work and be forever.

I still believe because I've seen:
1) two people fall in love
2) two people stay in love
3) two people choose to always work on their relationship/friendship/marriage
4) nothing greater (outside of God) then the love and companionship a marriage brings
5) two people remain committed to each other through think and thin

One day I will find my prince charming. One day I will marry him. One day. Until then, I will be content with where God has placed me. But, boy, don't I look forward to that day and who knows, maybe he's already in my life, I just don't know it yet.

"there is no greater risk than matrimony.

but there is nothing happier than a happy marriage."

--benjamin disraeli, 1870

in a letter to queen victoria's daughter louise,

congratulating her on her engagement.

via the book committed by elizabeth gilbert

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3 Things

1) I am thankful for teammates that work their tails off to get things done. They seriously rock! 

2) I am thankful for doors being held open for me at dinner. It's the small things that count sometimes.

3) I am thankful for new beginnings and look forward to some awesomely amazing secrets being revealed (no, I'm not pregnant or engaged or married)

Sudden Resolution

When I was 13, I went to the Glendale Public Library with my friends. I remember this was a bit exciting because my dad let me out of the house for a bit to do a research project. My friends brother and his friend were going to be there. We walked to a seating area that was located behind some shurubery.
I remember as we approached the girls I saw this kid that looked like a bird. He was scrawny and had a big nose. There was no attraction. I remember he pursued me to no end. I was flattered that a boy would pay this much attention to me and I enjoyed that attention.
Fast forward 13 years later, and that flattery is far gone.
My friend E has been bugging me to call the judge who is handling our case because she felt like it was odd he wasn't signing off on our papers, despite the fact that we had agreed 100% on the terms. So I called yesterday, left a message and never heard back. Last night while talking to a friend, the divorce came up and he was basically kind of reiterating everything a lot of other people have said to me. So this morning, these two conversations were weighing heavy on my heart. Today around noon, I decided to try to find more information on who to call regarding the divorce processes. I finally got a hold of a human and explained to them my situation. She told me that our February 14th court date (WTF by the way right?!) had been canceled. I asked her why and she said because the divorce was finalized. I asked her to clarify because I didn't understand. She said that as of December 15, 2010, the divorce had been finalized. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. All this time, that I was Ms. Lok and I had no idea.
I immediately started crying.

First I panicked for a few seconds.WTF.... I have no one I'm attached to. I am all by myself. I can do whatever I want. I AM SINGLE, alone.

Seconds later, the tears that streamed down my face were out of pure excitement. I couldn't and still can't believe what was given to me so quickly. My heart skipped beats. My new life flashed before my eyes. All the possibilities came to life. Instant relief came over my body. Everything loosened up and was relaxed. I could breath again.
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3 Things
1) I'm thankful for a sudden resolution to my divorce
2) I'm thankful for feeling life on 2 hours of sleep
3) I'm thankful that I don't have to spend Valentine's day in court.

The benefits of NO friends with benefits

 :::Warning: Too Much Information below, parents, don't read if you're going to judge!:::

I'm realizing more and more that this is some sort of socially exceptable relationship in the "real world". I honestly had no idea and kind of fell into it TWICE not realizing what their expectations were.
This is why I won't do it again.

First off, there is self respect. I'm learning more and more that my mind nor my heart wants this type of relationship. My heart wants to be in a committed and exclusive relationship. Where there is respect for each other, communication, value and honesty. Not a booty call or "weekend friends". I'm learning to stand up for what I believe in and not cave into desire, which is fleeting. Maintaining my dignity and self respect is definitely a benefit of having no friends with benefits.

Secondly, who does it benefit to sleep around? These days it's very common for people to "date" multiple people at once. I know my definition of "dating" is clearly not what the average American practices. Therefore I'm assuming when they are "dating" other people they are also sleeping with other people (unless exclusivity has been spoken about). So not only does this really minimalize the intimacy within sex but also is a great way to spread STD's. Clearly a clean bill of health is a benefit of having no friends with benefits.

Lastly, I hate having to dance around or tip toe through a FWB relationship. It messes with my mind and I don't want that or need that. I appreciate knowing where my position is on the "totem pole". Nor do I want to have to worry about "the other girl". It's not right for me or any other girl to be sleeping with a guy when he's "seeing" someone else. I don't ever want to be "that girl" EVER.

Fitting for tonight's post.
Young the Giant- My Body
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3 Things
1) I am thankful for being able to stand up again for what I believe and feel
2) I am thankful for Z playing with me
3) I am thankful for NOT breaking my toe after rolling over it with a cart filled with $400 worth of bottled water and candy. OUCH!!

When will Jasmine move out? That is the question Part 2

*Sorry for the lack of posts lately, I've been overly busy. ;)
Let's revisit this topic for a moment. (If you didn't read the first one, read it here)

First off, it's official, I am moving out the weekend of Feburary 12th. I'm still nervous as heck. I love my family so dearly and so appreciate their help and dedication. It's going to be hard to be on my own. I don't want to depend on my friend "family" the way I do my family. It's not right. There are moments when I doubt my abilities to do this on my own, BUT here are the facts:
1) I'm a freakin strong person
2) I'm pretty logical, I've got commen sense and I'm some what smart
3) I have great friends in Buckeye that will support me and encourage me.
4) I have amazing family in Glendale that will support me and love me and help me when I need it
5) I'm independant.

I've got a pretty good head on my shoulder. I was raised by 4 wonderful parents who have all contributed hours upon hours to my growth as a child, teenager and adult. The combination of parents I have is so amazingly diverse, I really think it's what makes me so level.

Even if I end up moving home (which I don't see happening) a friend of mine told me this today:

"You have to be allowed to make mistakes in your life other wise you'll never grow."

This move is no where near a mistake, but it sometimes feels like a blind leap of faith for me. I'll be honest when I say the move wasn't my idea. I have three friends who have really pushed for this move, and I can say with 100% honesty, I trust their judgment, insight and opinions. I FEEL it's the right move it's the lack of seeing the future that makes me hesitate the slightest.

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3 Things
1) I'm thankful for freakin amazingly fun friends. 
2) I'm thankful for a daughter who cuddled ever so slightly with me today
3) I'm thankful for the slow drive home today.

Unsure of the unsure

Anxiety is something I have never struggled with. In fact, in the past I've been pretty unsympathetic to those who have struggled with it. I've always felt those who struggle with anxiety were either causing their own issues or didn't know how to handle the issues that arose in their life.

Since September, I have had 2 small anxiety attacks and countless moments of anxiety ridden thoughts. I hate the feeling. I hate that my heart races in a bad way and gets heavy. I hate that my stomach gets sick and that I can't sit still. I hate that every time it happens, I feel like I'm not in control of the situation. (Maybe the point of the anxiety is to open my eyes up to the things I shouldn't panic about or try to control??)

A few days ago I did a bit of snooping around on the internet and found out a few things that kind of bothered me. One potentially good and one just awkward. They instigated the "situation" that day. It only lasted a few minutes, but regardless, it's interesting that I am experiencing this. 

I'm pretty sure that most of the anxiety is happening because I am in a phase of my life where my ground isn't solid like it used to be. I have never been one who didn't have a plan, a goal, an idea or a dream. Since single-hood, so many options have arisen and have been thrown my way. Anything from opening my own business, getting a masters to moving out of state.  I am embracing this phase of my life but still hate the fact that I do not have a solid foundation to raise my daughter on. <- This is what makes me scared shitless. This is what keeps me up at night more often then anything else. This is what gets my heart racing in a "not fun" way.  This is what gives me anxiety.

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3 Things
1) I am thankful that my dad is a freakin awesome cook
2) I am thankful for the opportunity to play on a softball team with friends
3) I am thankful for a SOLID full nights sleep.

Stuck in reverse

*Disclaimer: I know that a lot of my posts have been "downers" but I am not depressed, these things have just been on my heart.*

There was a day when I was obsessed with Coldplay. I played their CD over and over. These days I can rarely tolerate them.

Today while driving home, this song came over the radio. Instead of turning it, I just decided to "suffer" through it. Although I believe this song is about a struggling love, this is not what caught my attention. It was the first part, that really struck a nerve with me.

"When you try your best but don't succeed

When you get what you want but not what you need

When you feel so tired but you can't sleep.."

~Coldplay, FixYou

So often I feel like no matter what I do, I can't or won't succeed at it, that I'm a disappointment, that I can't get ahead of the game. I also realize that I spend way too much time getting what I want instant gratification anyone? and not enough time searching out what I need.  Most nights/days, I run myself into the ground so I can keep my mind occupied on other things. Yet, I still lay in bed for a bit before I can fall asleep.

I need to learn that the only opinion that really matters (aside from God) is mine. If I am happy and content with my behaviors, actions, choices, opinions, etc, then what does it matter what anyone else thinks. I need to stop being a people please-er ALL the time.

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3 Things
1) I am thankful to be able to stand firm in circumstances that aren't good for me
2) I am thankful for a full nights rest last night (8 hours)
3) I am thankful for "professional development"

Hey Jealousy!

I struggle with jealousy.
When I'm in a relationship, I become insecure. I become doubtful as to whether or not I'll be able to maintain that relationship. Fearful that they'll find someone else better, newer, etc.

When I was married, the jealousy I had was fostered by inappropriate relationships that The Ex had had as a teenager with other girls. Later on, it was only made worse by an addiction. I was always afraid he'd meet a girl, become emotionally connected to her like he had in the past and leave. In some VERY SMALL aspects, this is what happened. Although he regularly reassured me that he was not, I struggled to believe him. I would get nervous when he'd go out with "untrustworthy" friends. I'd panic when he wouldn't come home or call if he was out past the time he'd say.
I just didn't know how to move on from that feeling. Sometimes I would just ignore it and other times I would ask/confront him about it. He was always honest, I believe, which did reassure me in that moment.

Exploring new friendships and eventual relationships will be a new time for me. I will have to over come the tendency to be jealous. There is no part of me that wants to feel this way and no part of me that wants to place these ill conceived feelings on a friend or possible partner.
Some part of me wonders if this fear of abandonment comes from my childhood. If some how I'm still "dealing" with this issue.
I know I need to give it up to God. Ultimately I just make excuses not to.

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3 Things
1) I am thankful for a fire drill that got me out of school 10 minutes early
2) I am thankful for my brother working out with me last night
3) I am thankful for the new friendships I am continuing to build.

When life gives you lemons

Life has given me a few lemons lately. BUT I'm making lemonade with them AND it's going to be the best damn lemonade anyone has every had. ;)

It's been an interesting weekend to say the least. I'm learning so much. I'm making the mistakes I need to to grow. I'm making the decisions I need to to become independent, to stand up to The Ex, to become an adult. I'm guarding my heart as much as I see fit.

This week a close friend of mine told me I need to start making decisions for myself or I'm not going to survive the real world. That was harsh, but boy was it an eye opener. 


This is going to be an awesome adventure. I can not wait.

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3 Things
1) Today I am thankful for all the time I spent with Z at The Children Museum
2) Today I am thankful for maturity
3) Today I am thankful for my bestest friend, who is getting ready to serve his 3rd tour over seas.

The Importance of DGAF'ing It.

In college I did it A LOT. I kinda felt like a slob. I'd wake up, roll out of bed, put socks and shoes on and head to work. Sometimes I'd put my hair back and most times I'd brush my teeth. I just didn't care. In New York, I cared. Everyday. I had to. It's Manhattan. When I moved back to Arizona, I fell back into the old habit. Well as much as I could for being a "professional".

My sister, is always well put together. Has her hair done, dresses nicely, make-up on etc. I always admired that about her. She looks so beautiful among other wonderful attributes she has. A few weeks back, I noticed that her hair was straight, unwashed and her make-up wasn't as perfect as usual. I asked her what was going on and she said she was "DGAF'ing it".

DGAF'ING?! WTF is that? :)
Apparently it means I "Don't Give A F**k". So when I say I'm DGAF'ing it, I mean I don't care what I look like, I'm just trying to get through the day.

In college, it was just habit. There was no meaning. I just didn't care what so ever. Had no need to. I was married. I worked full-time and I went to school full-time. I also maintained a house and deep friendships.

After moving back to Arizona, I have slowly grown out of the DGAF'ing phase. I've appreciated coming into my own. Even if it took 8 years. ;)
So, why is it important? There are moments in a person's life when a they just needs to relax. Just be. Just exist. And not have to worry about anything other then her day to day tasks. When I DGAF it, I'm usually making a statement. Usually trying to prove a point to myself. That I can relax. That image isn't everything. That I don't have to be "perfect" all the time. It's an awesome moment these days. Totally too much information, but the times I DGAF it, it's awesome. I don't take a shower for a few days. Just roll out of bed, pull my hair back, brush my teeth and head out the door. This seriously saves me an hour! An hour! That's 7 more hours of sleep a week. Those 7 hours could mean someones life.
Basically, it's good for my soul to DGAF it every once in a while. To NOT give a f**k. I care too much all the other times, not just about myself but everything else in my world. I and you too, deserve to DGAF it every once in a while.

So, in conclusion, DGAF'ING is awesome, necessary and a right. Don't judge people who do it.

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3 Things
1) I am thankful for coworkers allowing me to participate in their practices
2) I am thankful for the opportunity to make my own choices and learn from them
3) I am thankful for my sister, who has taught me a multitude of things

Sweet Disposition

I remember when I was young I would dream about what my life would be like as an adult. I always envisioned that I would have a sweet, dear husband, who treasured me and talked to me tenderly. I envisioned myself as a sweet women with happiness beaming out of me uncontrollably. Sitting on our rocking chairs on the porch, watching people as they pass by our house. Our disposition would be sweet. Very sweet.

Whenever I hear The Temper Trap's Sweet Disposition, it kind of brings me back to that childhood thought. It makes me analyze my disposition in life. Am I happy? Does it show? If not, what can I do to fix it?

One time, right before our divorce, The Ex and I got into a disagreement about religion. He basically was making fun of me for getting emotionally caught up into Christian worship music. I quickly brought up how he consistently air guitars/drums/sings to his music because he too get's caught up in music. The whole point of music is to evoke emotion.

This song does exactly that for me. Not only that, but it stirs something within me to do better, be better and dream better. 

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3 Things
1) I am thankful for honesty among friends
2) I am thankful for pain in relationships
3) I am thankful for my sweet daughter and the 3 years God has given me with her.

When will Jasmine move out? That is the question.

I know it's not an ideal situation living at home in your parents house with your child. I know that there is growth that needs to happen before I am ready to be an "adult". I know that there is definitely a convenience that comes with living with family, a dependency.


BUT
I need the accountability that my brother and sister offer.
I need the reliability of their words.
I need the perspective.
I need the example.

HOWEVER
I want my own space
I want my own food
I want my own schedule
I want my own freedom
I want the capability to come and go as I please
I want to be able to walk around naked (TMI)
I want to be the only one who disciplines my daughter.
I want to be more aware of what my daughter eats (everyone just feeds her stuff)
I want to cook my own food
I want to buy all the food in my house.
I want to not be embarrassed to invite people over
I want to have parties (I miss Rockband)
I want to pay for my own place
MOST IMPORTANTLY
I want to live on my own for once.

So, my ultimate goal this year was to move out in May. At this point, I'm leaning towards sooner. MAYBE. I so desperately need it, but I'm having a hard time "growing up" as some would say. It's also very purposeful that there are "I want's" and "I need's". Praying that these get solidified in my heart so I can make the right move at the right time.
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I was watching Jon Stewart today (the episode talking about the Tucson shootings) and he said this quote:

"someone or something will shatter our world again"

For some reason, these words just felt fitting for my life. I know he didn't mean it for me, but heck, I'll take it when I can get it.

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3 Things
1) Today I am thankful for friends and family that can help me make the appropriate rough choice in life
2) Today I am thankful that I hand the balls to stand up for what I believed is right
3) Today I am thankful for an empty/silent house.

Minimum Requirements

    My sister read Redeeming Love. After she read it, she fell in love with the story. She fell in love with the idea of having one person who cared for you no matter what you did. Who loved you no matter where you came form. It inspired her to write a list of "requirements" for a man to have before she would date them. Like my sister, neither of us view dating as "casual". I have a hard time dating someone just to date them. If I am going to date them, it's going to be because I see the potential for a life partner. (Dating and going on a date are two different things to me)

    After my divorce, she has asked and asked for me to read it. I haven't mustered up the courage to do it yet. For some reason I'm afraid. I'll do it one day, I will. But she has encouraged me to write my own list. It didn't take me long to write a few things down. As I am venturing out into dating-hood I am experiencing things I never knew that I wanted and things that I never knew I didn't want. It's always easy to say coming out of my marriage the things that I don't want, so this is definitely a growing list.

*Disclaimer*
1) Don't judge me
2) This is brutally honest
3) In no particular order

Original Date: 1/11/11

• Must believe in God
• Needs to be close with his family
• Enjoy quality time together
• Share some of the same interests
• Have a great sense of humor
• Must be generous
• No history of depression
• Wants children
• Likes to travel -> including day trips
• Clean
• Active -> Plays sports, exercises etc.
• Financially smart, stable and logical
• Is a participant in life, not a bystander
• Cuddler
• Sensitive
• Emotionally strong
• Supportive
• Sarcastic
• Tactful
• Attractive
• Has a career
• Is a dreamer
• Sets goals and achieves them
• Social
• Honest
• Affectionate
• Compassionate/Caring
• Intuitive
• Has integrity
• Loyal
• Good listener
• Protective
• Loves Z
• Gets along with my family
• Appreciates DIVERSE food.

*Edited 1/17/11

• Knows how to cook
• Is a safe driver ->because I am not
• Frank about issues, doesn't beat around the bush. Get's to the point.
• Tender
• Relatively clean language

I can easily justify every single one of these to myself and to whoever I end up choosing or not choosing to marry. There is just no need to do that here. 

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3 Things
1) I am thankful for my dad's sense of humor: he wanted to make grilled cheese today
2) I am thankful my step mom came home safe from Ca
3) I am thankful Z is NOT getting sick, like I thought she was.

Masters Vs. Desire

1987

As a child, before my parents got divorced, my mom always made an effort to celebrate my birthday with my classmates. I remember one year in preschool she asked me what kind of cake I wanted. I told her that I wanted it to be purple. She made this beautiful purple cake with a rainbow and My Little Ponies on it. She brought it to school so we could celebrate my birthday. I remember sitting at the table in front of my cake. I had my "BFF" Kyle next to me as well as a turd Travis on the other side. I remember them singing Happy Birthday to me. I remember them cutting the cake up. I remember them handing a slice to Ashley who was so very mean to me and I felt she didn't deserve any of my awesome cake that my "Mommy" had made for ME.

It's memories like these that make me want to stay home with my daughter. Today as I was driving away from her preschool I thought about how lazy I am because I was even DEBATING whether or not to get her anything for her class to celebrate her birthday. That's when the memory of my mom's cake came to mind. I know that if and when (summer time) I am home full-time I am an amazing mother as opposed to just a mother. I want to help her make those precious, life remembering memories.

After the memory faded this morning, I found it kind of funny that I'm getting ready to start my master's but my heart is being pulled to stay home. I'm mentally taking steps to become more disconnected with my child so that I can provide for her by getting my masters, but my heart whispers something "dedicate more time to your daughter, don't be absent, don't half ass this job".

I will be getting something for her class (I'd totally make it, but them days is over!) AND I'm sucking it up and The Ex and I are taking her to Jump Street together on Saturday.
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3 Things
1) I am thankful for my dad who ALWAYS takes care of Z without hesitation
2) I am thankful for a strong up bringing, despite it's draw backs
3) I am thankful for a GOOD teaching day.

Church, God, Faith and Hope

Hope is all I have most days. Hope that what I want, what I worked for will come true. Hope that my desires will come true. Hope that God and I will reconnect on a deep level again.

Faith is what I try to have in God all the days. I fail at this a lot lately. Taking things into my own hand. Not trusting, not seeking Him out.

God is who I'm missing, who I can't find, who I'm searching for. I don't see Him in nature anymore, or feel him in music or in His Word. Prayer is empty.

Church is a waste of time. After looking for 3 years, I'm about ready to give up. I'm drifting from place to place, can't seem to plug in. Tithing to places that don't directly affect me (is this selfish?), joining small groups that fall apart. I just can't seem to catch a break.


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Here's a recipe I can not wait to try during the summer. Just like the author, I've been guilty of calling people "vanilla" or plain or Plain Jane. BUT this Sweet Vanilla Iced Tea sounds, looks and reads amazingly.

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3 Things
1) I am thankful for a really enjoyable weekend
2) I am thankful for friendships that don't require a lot of maintenance
3) I am thankful for new romances

Over the past 7 years...

I wouldn't change a thing.

Everything happened the way it was supposed to.
I'm proud of those 7 years
A lot was accomplished
Growth was made
Fun was had
Pain was endured
Life was created
But most of all.....
Every up and down was an amazing experience.

NO regrets
"There are no regrets in life, just lessons." ~Jennifer Aniston
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3 Things
1) I am thankful for my parents (mom AND dad) who ALWAYS cook me food.
2) I am thankful that I have this moment in time to live with with my dad.
3) I am thankful for the "full" sensation I have been able to recognizing.
4) I am thankful for a great night out with dear friends. It's been way too long.

"A Circle's Round..."

"It has no edge, that’s how long I want to be your friend."

As a child, my Girl Scout troop used to sing this song as our closing. I always valued the fact that friendship is something that shouldn't ever end no matter what. This is also why I struggle letting friendships go. Later on in life I saw this saying symbolized in marriage through the wedding ring. The wedding ring is the visible symbol of this friendship, the commitment and how it's never supposed to end.

*Not actual ring.

Honestly, I was so proud of my wedding rings. The Ex worked extremely hard to buy me a beautiful 1 Ct.  Platinum, diamond encrusted engagement ring (it was given to me as a 5 year anniversary present). It's so beautiful, catches the sun just right and looked great against my pale skin.

Now that I'm not married, I am brainstorming what to do with it.

There is a part of me that wants to save it for Z, for when she is ready to get married. I struggle with the idea that she would be wearing a symbol of something that failed or a reminder of someone who gave up. However, with the news that Prince William proposed to his fiancé with his mother's engagement ring, I've kind of been thinking about it. They were asked if they felt the ring might be cursed or a bad choice. Their response was basically that it's a beautiful ring, his mom would've wanted this to happen and their marriage has nothing to do with Prince Charles and Princess Diana's marriage.

There's another part of me that would love sell it, since The Ex never bought anything but the best, I can pay for a decent chunk of my masters degree with the money. Because of "our" income, I'm faced with funding issues for my masters. Obviously I will apply for scholarships, but if that does not follow through I'm left taking loans (if I qualify) and saving up.

But a part of me just wants to keep it for myself. I still love it. The meaning is gone. The symbolism no longer exists. The memories are still there, but there's no attachment. It's just so beautiful. It's the nicest piece of jewelry I own. I know one day I'll be given something better by a man who will love me for my values, morals, flaws, family and choices. So in a sense it seems selfish to keep it when there's something better for me "waiting". I also have no idea how to wear it. Clearly it will not be on my left hand, but it looks really silly, and doesn't fit, on my right hand.

What's your opinion? If you've been through a divorce, what did you do with your wedding rings? Were you happy with the choice? If you aren't married or are married, any advice or suggestions?

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3 Things
1) I am thankful for a great PE teacher who lets me constantly participate disrupt in his class.
2) I am thankful for the thousands of opportunities that are arising on a regular basis
3) I am thankful for a weekend "alone".

Blank

I've sat here for 30 minutes trying to figure out what to write. I'm a bit blank tonight. In a good way.

Came across this today, while talking to a friend. Was a great reminder. 

Hebrews 12:7-11 (New International Version, ©2010)

 ⁷ Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as his children. For what children are not disciplined by their father? ⁸ If you are not disciplined—and everyone undergoes discipline—then you are not legitimate, not true sons and daughters at all. ⁹ Moreover, we have all had human fathers who disciplined us and we respected them for it. How much more should we submit to the Father of spirits and live! ¹⁰ They disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, in order that we may share in his holiness. ¹¹ No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.

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3 Things
1) I am thankful for free will
2) I am thankful for time to myself
3) I am thankful for friends I can tell anything to.

Today was one of those days.

I just wanted to crawl up into bed and be held.  There's nothing like the warm embrace of someone who cares, who doesn't judge your raw emotions, but just lets you exist in that moment. 

There was nothing in particular that set me off. My day itself wasn't awful, average for this year. Just something triggered. A friend of mine asked me how my day was going. Initially, I said good. Then I mentioned that my second hour is really draining, then I realized, I just needed to be held. That affection, that touch, the electricity, the energy, I just yearned for that connection.

At the beginning of the divorce, my friend, E, told me that the nights are the hardest, because this is when you are most alone. I've found this to be so true. I tend to busy myself till exhaustion, then I crawl into bed, read my Bible, journal and pray till I pass out. I'm getting better at it though. The solitude is becoming a relief from the day. A moment of peace, stillness, honesty and reflection. Kha would be so proud to hear this.

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Again, I'm realizing how important it is to have people around you who have known you FOREVER. My best friend and his wife are in town visiting. I went to dinner with them. As I'm explaining to him what is going on in my life, he (he's the original friend) acts like it's nothing new. Like this is just who Jasmine is. Silently reiterating that it's ok to have moved on and to not have any connection with The Ex, to explore possibilities, to be nearly ready to find someone else.
My friends from work have only known me for 3 years. Since I've been a mom only with The Ex. They don't know anything about the Jasmine in high school or the Jasmine in college. This is ok, it's just a realization I'm coming to.
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3 Things
1) Thankful that I could see my best friend. I miss him dearly
2) Thankful that he married an amazing girl that I like. (it can be difficult when you don't get along with "the wife" ;))
3) Thankful for open communication *most the time* with The Ex.

I had a witty title, but can't remember it now. Habit.

There are habits you get into, when you live with someone for 7 plus years. 
1) I can't sleep on the "other" side of the bed. Even when I share a bed with my sister or something. It's gotta be THAT side.
2) I need something next to me when I sleep at night. Lately I've been setteling for a pillow. :'( Can't wait for it to be a permanent warm body.
3) Calling him "Babe". Boy is that a habit that needs to be broken, 13 years...
4) Not looking at my finances (He handled them)
5) Cooking for an army. I don't cook a lot now, but when I do, I have major cooking portion control issues. :)
6) Consideration. Every time I'm asked to go somewhere, there is a gut instinct to say "wait, I've gotta check first".. thankfully I've never acted on this one yet.
7) Driving down Miller towards my house
8) Just walking into his mothers house
9) The urge to watch our tv shows at night before bed (Rescue Me was/is a great series!)
10) Turning around sometimes, expecting the conversationalist to be there.
*Don't get me wrong, I'm some what lonely. I don't miss HIM per say, I miss the companionship, the routine, the safety and security.

BUT there are habits, you quickly break
1) Saving closet space for him
2) Cleaning.. odd, but yes, my room is littered now.
3) Saving counter space and shower space for him with all my cosmetics, lotions and soaps.
4) How I spend my money
5) Where I go, who I go with and when I go.
6) Feeling guilty about going to church, participating in church activities and tithing
7) Wanting to get my masters, but knowing the sacrifice of time is too much for him.
8) Not exercising because I know he has work to do and can't watch Z
9) Restraining my flirtatious personality
10) Not believing in myself.

AND there are habits that stay the same
1) I'm still a remote hog (when I do watch tv)
2) I still am a dreamer
3) I'm still a wander
4) I still want more kids
5) I still want to be married, or get married as it is
6) I'm still as sarcastic as ever.
7) I still love God
8) I'm still controlling
9) I'm still a smart ass
10) I still go crazy sometimes.

It's interesting to see where life takes you when things change drastically in your life.

The unfortunate thing about this world is that good habits are so much easier to give up than bad ones.  ~Somerset Maugham_____________________________________________
Food time!
Even though I've lost a lot of weight and I have cut back on the quantity I eat, I'm still obsessed with food. I came across this article, describing Foodies. When I read it, I immediately related to it and thought of a few others who did, including: MJ's Take on the World.

Last night, my brother Kha, requested I make Grilled Cheese Sandwiches. I made them once for the kids while my parents were in Vietnam. When my parents heard that request, they were 1) disgusted and 2) laughed at us for talking about how amazing they were. 
So today I headed to Frys and bought some tomato soup (the good kind), Gouda, sharp cheddar, mozzarella, tomatoes, basil, Havarti and Munster cheese. I also purchased sourdough and whole wheat bread. I made random combination of sandwiches but the biggest hits (not surprisingly) were the caprese grilled cheeses: Sourdough bread, Mozzarella cheese, tomatoes and basil. SO DELICIOUS!
 My parents praised me for how good they were. It was nice to see them "eat" their words. 

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3 Things
1) I am so very thankful that my kids were excited to see me today.
2) I am thankful for the time I FORCED myself to spend with God last night. It was so rewarding
3) I am thankful for a car (that although I hate most the time) get's awesome gas mileage. Especially with how crazy I drive.

One Moment At A Time

It's been a while since I've posted, with good reason. I am going through a divorce. The "Big D". I have many things to say about it and a lot of opinions on the issues that broke my marriage up, but 1) those who need to know the details know the details and 2) there's nothing I can do to change it.

I struggled with letting the marriage go. After 2 months of "seperation" (he had filed papers already) I realized there was no way I could do anything to save it. Only God could and God can choose not to let the marriage succeed. I also knew that my Ex was in no way aligned with God. Therefore God could not intervien on his part if He wanted to.

My friends have been an integeral part of this whole transition. My co-workers at school have really been invaluable. It is so true that you never know who your friends are until you go through something tramatic. People I thought wouldn't care really stepped up. They took me under their wings, got me involved, took me out, talked with me, cried with me, prayed with me, held me and let me sleep over when I couldn't handle it. My family, specifically my sister has been awesome. They are non-judgmental and really have let me learn things myself while talking things through. There are so many other friends, close and far away, who have done amazing things for me. I am so amazingly thankful for the people I have surrounding me in my life. I have such a great support system.

So since Halloween (isn't this ironic) I have been enjoying single life. There are moments when I wish he would change his mind, but in the long shot, I would never turn back to that. I am so much happier, fit, healthier, livelier then I have been in a very long time. I would've stayed in my marriage like that forever. I am a serial monogomist, but I'm thankful in some respects that this opportunity has a risen for me to step out of my "comfort" zone and grow into an individual. Some people have criticized me saying that I've moved on too fast. Others realize who I really am and how quickly I recover and how I refuse to let things get me down and understand that, this is just the way I function.

Today I was sitting in church and the pastor was talking about how 2010 was an awful year for many of the people in the congregation. My friend also posted on her FB status how she was so thankful that 2010 was over because it was the worst year of her life (she too went through a divorce). With these two statements happening so closely together, I thought to myself, was 2010 awful? Was it really THAT awful? My answer is NO, it wasn't that awful. I kind of feel bad for not feeling like it was that awful. I mean, it was, but it wasn't.
I still have so much to be thankful for in this past year:

Ugly Sweater contest sans 43lbs

1) My daughter's health has dierasticly improved since she got tubes put in
2) My ex isn't being a douch bag about my terms of the divorce (although he wanted it, I have set limits)
3) I have my own health <- Since doing the HCG diet, I have lost a total of 43 pounds.
4) I have a job that I enjoy most the time, I have co-workers that I'm crazy about and students that I mostly love
5) My family is so freakin awesome! You forget how important they are until you really need them
6) God hasn't given me more then I can endure, and even though I'm pissed at Him and am really struggling to hear his voice, I know He cares and will get me through this
Don't get me wrong, there were a lot of crappy things that happend:
1) Divorce
2) Ruined credit score
3) Realization I can not afford to live on my own on just a teachers salary.
But all those can change for the better and will. My head is held high and I will survive and become strong and smart because of these things.

2011
1) Sky dive
2) Go on a legit date, with a gentleman, who I like <- I know that sounds bad, but I want to like them, not just go out on a date.
3) Start my masters, or taking steps to start my masters
4) Pay off a large chunk of my student loans <- which is kinda silly, if I'm getting my masters, so I may have to re-evaluate this one
5) Continue to live w/o a credit card
6) Stay up all night with my sister giggling
7) Spend quality time with my brother
8) Work out 3-4 times a week <- I have a goal of comfortablly wearing a bikini this summer
9) Reading my Bible consistently 3-4 times a week
10) Praying w/o drifting everyday <-the habit of prayer typically comes easy to me, but I have struggled with this one for a while
11) Eat a type of food I have never tried before <- Any suggestions?
12) Give once a week to a random person
13) Spend quality (not quantity) time with my daughter
14) Go to the park with Z and The Ex for the sake of Z
15) Go on a hot balloon ride
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3 Things
1) Today I am thankful for honesty in friendships and budding relationships
2) Today I am thankful for a respectful attitude towards The Ex and vise versa
3) Today I am thankful for the fact that I had 2 weeks off for Christmas Break