*This was pulled from my FB account. Dates back to NYC times. It's lengthy but could be worth a read AND there is a reflection at the end. *
Such as life i suppose.
by Jasmine Lok on Sunday, April 1, 2007 at 1:17pm
i want to go back to where i was before. i miss my friends and family. the community there was unlike anything i have found or heard of.
am i holding on to the past to much? should i just let it all go. all the people.. all the memories... all the possibilities?
i know god will direct us in the right area, but until it's "right" my heart longs for what i had.
i feel like i've gone through a divorce that neither party wanted. my heart hurts so bad and i know others felt/feel that way too.
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things in NY have been getting better. we've forced ourselves to plug into a church. i'm not quite sure how i feel about it. i like the people, but i dont know, there's just something about it that i dont get. maybe it's because it's "too big". i dont get that sense of community amongst everyone.
no one prays for anyone. no one touches anyone. it's just more... sterile i suppose.
job hunting is going to SUCK!! i know nothing about any of the schools, nor where any of the schools are. so this shall be interesting. i'll have to start my masters next year, which i dont want to and will also suck.
we're probably moving to brooklyn in june when our lease is up. it's too expensive here and we'd like to save up more then what we are able to now. the commute into NYC will be the same (which will be awesome) but the rent will be $500-$700 less, so that would be even more awesome.
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over all, things are getting better here. as things get better here, i'm still finding myself wanting to go back to flagstaff more and more. i dont know. i'm crazy sometimes i know, but i just want to go back. i miss everything about it (even the snow which is WAY better then NY snow).
every once in a while aaron will say "let's move back. just cut our losses and move back" my heart always skips a beat because i know that there is still so much more for us to see and do in NY, but ultimately that means nothing when you dont have family or friends.
we wouldn't be so lonely. so distant from society. so lost.
i'm sure it'll get better, but when and will i have patients for it to actually happen?
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REFLECTION
Wow, is all I can say.
Those of you who know me in "real life" and have had conversations with me about New York, know that I am IN LOVE with NYC and sorta, kinda, just a little bit, regret moving back to AZ in 2008. It's amazing to re-read this and see where I was in that stage of life. Even at moment of my life. I was working at the preschool and was still a TINY bit disconnected from my co-workers. Come July, when I moved, I had developed friendships that would last a life time. I can not believe that I had such little faith in God at that moment. My co-workers were my greatest friends in NYC. My job, also became the best job I have ever had. I miss both on a regular basis. Although there are days when I miss my Flagstaff family, I had built a real, true, authentic community.
We ended up plugging into a church called Forefront. I still attend that church when I visit, and my cousin now goes there. I built several relationships there have carried through with my move to AZ. At the time, we did become very involved and left, loving the church and people.
We moved to Astoria, rented a 2 bedroom 1 bathroom, with a yard for about $1800. SUPER CHEAP and SUPER HUGE. We signed a 2 year lease. 2 months into that lease we found out we were pregnant and the landlord let us out of the lease no questions asked. It was literally a miracle.
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There were many wonderful things about NYC that I was too blind to see at the time. Now looking back, I can recognize them. However, I also recognize something more important. Should I have stayed in NYC, I would have ended up completely alone and helpless in NYC during and after the divorce. Did God for see what was going to happen to my marriage and choose to bring me home so I could have strong family support, guidance and help? Did God know that I would need a few years to build DEEP friendships to help me through the divorce? Did God know? I know there is free will. God knows all the choices a person can make and all the outcomes that will happen because of that choice.
It's taken me almost 4 years, but I see He was protecting me. Giving me what I needed, when I would need it. He put things into play WAY before I knew I would need them.
Again, I am so disappointed in myself. So disappointed that I so quickly lost faith in God. So disappointed how quickly I thought God wasn't present.
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3 Things
1) I am thankful for seeing God's plan
2) I am thankful for God's sovereign timing
3) I am thankful for a life that is good because of Him.
"So disappointed that I so quickly lost faith in God. So disappointed how quickly I thought God wasn't present."
ReplyDeleteYour blog and, most importantly, these words really made me think about my past, Jasmine. There are times that I think all of us have lost faith. I lost mine for quite a while in the middle of my 34 years. When faced with an uncle dying and leaving a spouse and four children behind, a grandmother having a stroke, and myself being hit by a grain truck thru an intersection that totaled the car, all in the span of a month, a person can wonder if they have been abandoned by God. To then get married to a non-Christian and be abused...a sense of abandonment once again.
It is only now that I truly realize that it wasn't abandonment, but his plan, which I am also thankful for. These trials and tribulations led me, I believe, to the close relationship with God that I never had until I moved out here. Even though my family roots were always within a church, it was not one that let me be free or to be born again. God's plan led me here to a closer relationship with, not only him, but with a truly set of awesome people (including you :) )and to so much more. Even thru the hurt and heartache, as you have been experiencing, one can truly appreciate that we really can't control anything, but can trust in the Lord.
Your 3 Things are a credo we should all remember. I am going to post them around me in several places to always be a reminder during the tribulations and joys of life. You are one of the true joys I have as a part of my life.
It is always harder to see His plans when we are going through different things. They always come later when you are closing the door. Imagine what it will be like when we get to the other side, and get to look back with eternal intelligence and perspective! Thanks for your optimism and example! Love ya!
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