Masters Vs. Desire

1987

As a child, before my parents got divorced, my mom always made an effort to celebrate my birthday with my classmates. I remember one year in preschool she asked me what kind of cake I wanted. I told her that I wanted it to be purple. She made this beautiful purple cake with a rainbow and My Little Ponies on it. She brought it to school so we could celebrate my birthday. I remember sitting at the table in front of my cake. I had my "BFF" Kyle next to me as well as a turd Travis on the other side. I remember them singing Happy Birthday to me. I remember them cutting the cake up. I remember them handing a slice to Ashley who was so very mean to me and I felt she didn't deserve any of my awesome cake that my "Mommy" had made for ME.

It's memories like these that make me want to stay home with my daughter. Today as I was driving away from her preschool I thought about how lazy I am because I was even DEBATING whether or not to get her anything for her class to celebrate her birthday. That's when the memory of my mom's cake came to mind. I know that if and when (summer time) I am home full-time I am an amazing mother as opposed to just a mother. I want to help her make those precious, life remembering memories.

After the memory faded this morning, I found it kind of funny that I'm getting ready to start my master's but my heart is being pulled to stay home. I'm mentally taking steps to become more disconnected with my child so that I can provide for her by getting my masters, but my heart whispers something "dedicate more time to your daughter, don't be absent, don't half ass this job".

I will be getting something for her class (I'd totally make it, but them days is over!) AND I'm sucking it up and The Ex and I are taking her to Jump Street together on Saturday.
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3 Things
1) I am thankful for my dad who ALWAYS takes care of Z without hesitation
2) I am thankful for a strong up bringing, despite it's draw backs
3) I am thankful for a GOOD teaching day.

Church, God, Faith and Hope

Hope is all I have most days. Hope that what I want, what I worked for will come true. Hope that my desires will come true. Hope that God and I will reconnect on a deep level again.

Faith is what I try to have in God all the days. I fail at this a lot lately. Taking things into my own hand. Not trusting, not seeking Him out.

God is who I'm missing, who I can't find, who I'm searching for. I don't see Him in nature anymore, or feel him in music or in His Word. Prayer is empty.

Church is a waste of time. After looking for 3 years, I'm about ready to give up. I'm drifting from place to place, can't seem to plug in. Tithing to places that don't directly affect me (is this selfish?), joining small groups that fall apart. I just can't seem to catch a break.


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Here's a recipe I can not wait to try during the summer. Just like the author, I've been guilty of calling people "vanilla" or plain or Plain Jane. BUT this Sweet Vanilla Iced Tea sounds, looks and reads amazingly.

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3 Things
1) I am thankful for a really enjoyable weekend
2) I am thankful for friendships that don't require a lot of maintenance
3) I am thankful for new romances

Over the past 7 years...

I wouldn't change a thing.

Everything happened the way it was supposed to.
I'm proud of those 7 years
A lot was accomplished
Growth was made
Fun was had
Pain was endured
Life was created
But most of all.....
Every up and down was an amazing experience.

NO regrets
"There are no regrets in life, just lessons." ~Jennifer Aniston
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3 Things
1) I am thankful for my parents (mom AND dad) who ALWAYS cook me food.
2) I am thankful that I have this moment in time to live with with my dad.
3) I am thankful for the "full" sensation I have been able to recognizing.
4) I am thankful for a great night out with dear friends. It's been way too long.

"A Circle's Round..."

"It has no edge, that’s how long I want to be your friend."

As a child, my Girl Scout troop used to sing this song as our closing. I always valued the fact that friendship is something that shouldn't ever end no matter what. This is also why I struggle letting friendships go. Later on in life I saw this saying symbolized in marriage through the wedding ring. The wedding ring is the visible symbol of this friendship, the commitment and how it's never supposed to end.

*Not actual ring.

Honestly, I was so proud of my wedding rings. The Ex worked extremely hard to buy me a beautiful 1 Ct.  Platinum, diamond encrusted engagement ring (it was given to me as a 5 year anniversary present). It's so beautiful, catches the sun just right and looked great against my pale skin.

Now that I'm not married, I am brainstorming what to do with it.

There is a part of me that wants to save it for Z, for when she is ready to get married. I struggle with the idea that she would be wearing a symbol of something that failed or a reminder of someone who gave up. However, with the news that Prince William proposed to his fiancé with his mother's engagement ring, I've kind of been thinking about it. They were asked if they felt the ring might be cursed or a bad choice. Their response was basically that it's a beautiful ring, his mom would've wanted this to happen and their marriage has nothing to do with Prince Charles and Princess Diana's marriage.

There's another part of me that would love sell it, since The Ex never bought anything but the best, I can pay for a decent chunk of my masters degree with the money. Because of "our" income, I'm faced with funding issues for my masters. Obviously I will apply for scholarships, but if that does not follow through I'm left taking loans (if I qualify) and saving up.

But a part of me just wants to keep it for myself. I still love it. The meaning is gone. The symbolism no longer exists. The memories are still there, but there's no attachment. It's just so beautiful. It's the nicest piece of jewelry I own. I know one day I'll be given something better by a man who will love me for my values, morals, flaws, family and choices. So in a sense it seems selfish to keep it when there's something better for me "waiting". I also have no idea how to wear it. Clearly it will not be on my left hand, but it looks really silly, and doesn't fit, on my right hand.

What's your opinion? If you've been through a divorce, what did you do with your wedding rings? Were you happy with the choice? If you aren't married or are married, any advice or suggestions?

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3 Things
1) I am thankful for a great PE teacher who lets me constantly participate disrupt in his class.
2) I am thankful for the thousands of opportunities that are arising on a regular basis
3) I am thankful for a weekend "alone".

Blank

I've sat here for 30 minutes trying to figure out what to write. I'm a bit blank tonight. In a good way.

Came across this today, while talking to a friend. Was a great reminder. 

Hebrews 12:7-11 (New International Version, ©2010)

 ⁷ Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as his children. For what children are not disciplined by their father? ⁸ If you are not disciplined—and everyone undergoes discipline—then you are not legitimate, not true sons and daughters at all. ⁹ Moreover, we have all had human fathers who disciplined us and we respected them for it. How much more should we submit to the Father of spirits and live! ¹⁰ They disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, in order that we may share in his holiness. ¹¹ No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.

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3 Things
1) I am thankful for free will
2) I am thankful for time to myself
3) I am thankful for friends I can tell anything to.

Today was one of those days.

I just wanted to crawl up into bed and be held.  There's nothing like the warm embrace of someone who cares, who doesn't judge your raw emotions, but just lets you exist in that moment. 

There was nothing in particular that set me off. My day itself wasn't awful, average for this year. Just something triggered. A friend of mine asked me how my day was going. Initially, I said good. Then I mentioned that my second hour is really draining, then I realized, I just needed to be held. That affection, that touch, the electricity, the energy, I just yearned for that connection.

At the beginning of the divorce, my friend, E, told me that the nights are the hardest, because this is when you are most alone. I've found this to be so true. I tend to busy myself till exhaustion, then I crawl into bed, read my Bible, journal and pray till I pass out. I'm getting better at it though. The solitude is becoming a relief from the day. A moment of peace, stillness, honesty and reflection. Kha would be so proud to hear this.

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Again, I'm realizing how important it is to have people around you who have known you FOREVER. My best friend and his wife are in town visiting. I went to dinner with them. As I'm explaining to him what is going on in my life, he (he's the original friend) acts like it's nothing new. Like this is just who Jasmine is. Silently reiterating that it's ok to have moved on and to not have any connection with The Ex, to explore possibilities, to be nearly ready to find someone else.
My friends from work have only known me for 3 years. Since I've been a mom only with The Ex. They don't know anything about the Jasmine in high school or the Jasmine in college. This is ok, it's just a realization I'm coming to.
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3 Things
1) Thankful that I could see my best friend. I miss him dearly
2) Thankful that he married an amazing girl that I like. (it can be difficult when you don't get along with "the wife" ;))
3) Thankful for open communication *most the time* with The Ex.

I had a witty title, but can't remember it now. Habit.

There are habits you get into, when you live with someone for 7 plus years. 
1) I can't sleep on the "other" side of the bed. Even when I share a bed with my sister or something. It's gotta be THAT side.
2) I need something next to me when I sleep at night. Lately I've been setteling for a pillow. :'( Can't wait for it to be a permanent warm body.
3) Calling him "Babe". Boy is that a habit that needs to be broken, 13 years...
4) Not looking at my finances (He handled them)
5) Cooking for an army. I don't cook a lot now, but when I do, I have major cooking portion control issues. :)
6) Consideration. Every time I'm asked to go somewhere, there is a gut instinct to say "wait, I've gotta check first".. thankfully I've never acted on this one yet.
7) Driving down Miller towards my house
8) Just walking into his mothers house
9) The urge to watch our tv shows at night before bed (Rescue Me was/is a great series!)
10) Turning around sometimes, expecting the conversationalist to be there.
*Don't get me wrong, I'm some what lonely. I don't miss HIM per say, I miss the companionship, the routine, the safety and security.

BUT there are habits, you quickly break
1) Saving closet space for him
2) Cleaning.. odd, but yes, my room is littered now.
3) Saving counter space and shower space for him with all my cosmetics, lotions and soaps.
4) How I spend my money
5) Where I go, who I go with and when I go.
6) Feeling guilty about going to church, participating in church activities and tithing
7) Wanting to get my masters, but knowing the sacrifice of time is too much for him.
8) Not exercising because I know he has work to do and can't watch Z
9) Restraining my flirtatious personality
10) Not believing in myself.

AND there are habits that stay the same
1) I'm still a remote hog (when I do watch tv)
2) I still am a dreamer
3) I'm still a wander
4) I still want more kids
5) I still want to be married, or get married as it is
6) I'm still as sarcastic as ever.
7) I still love God
8) I'm still controlling
9) I'm still a smart ass
10) I still go crazy sometimes.

It's interesting to see where life takes you when things change drastically in your life.

The unfortunate thing about this world is that good habits are so much easier to give up than bad ones.  ~Somerset Maugham_____________________________________________
Food time!
Even though I've lost a lot of weight and I have cut back on the quantity I eat, I'm still obsessed with food. I came across this article, describing Foodies. When I read it, I immediately related to it and thought of a few others who did, including: MJ's Take on the World.

Last night, my brother Kha, requested I make Grilled Cheese Sandwiches. I made them once for the kids while my parents were in Vietnam. When my parents heard that request, they were 1) disgusted and 2) laughed at us for talking about how amazing they were. 
So today I headed to Frys and bought some tomato soup (the good kind), Gouda, sharp cheddar, mozzarella, tomatoes, basil, Havarti and Munster cheese. I also purchased sourdough and whole wheat bread. I made random combination of sandwiches but the biggest hits (not surprisingly) were the caprese grilled cheeses: Sourdough bread, Mozzarella cheese, tomatoes and basil. SO DELICIOUS!
 My parents praised me for how good they were. It was nice to see them "eat" their words. 

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3 Things
1) I am so very thankful that my kids were excited to see me today.
2) I am thankful for the time I FORCED myself to spend with God last night. It was so rewarding
3) I am thankful for a car (that although I hate most the time) get's awesome gas mileage. Especially with how crazy I drive.