Open Letter

 You made me scooby snacks and moe-coo countless times. You perfected baked ham and turkey just to see the satisfaction on our faces.  You worked your tail off to provide our family a safe place to live. You always loved to bring up eating wings with my pinky up, Area 51 and Uno. You spent many hours "flinging shit" in the front yard, fixing the neighbors house, chopping down the trees in the back. You used to help plant flowers in the spring and lost countless Christmas gifts in the abyss. When one of us was sick, you loaded us up with vitamins, checked on us in the middle of the night to make sure we had no fever and made us drink nasty concoctions so we could get healthy again.  You were protective of us.

In a lot of ways you showed me what it was like for a husband to love his wife. You were delicate, caring, considerate and paid attention to the needs of your wife. You went on adventures with her, consulted with her about any things her children wanted to do, never letting them play you against each other. Nursed her back to health countless times and held her hand through many rough patches. In my mind, I know you are the reason she is here today. I know you are the glue that held her together. You two were a single unit.

You were a father to me. Growing up, you taught me how to defend myself, how to challenge my thinking and the thinking of those around me. You also taught me how to care for my body and what it is like to care for others.You forced me to exercise with you, not just because you wanted to torture me, but because you wanted to make sure I was healthy and strong.You teased me relentlessly not because you were mean, but because you wanted me to have a tough outer shell.You took me to my first high school dance, let me bring my first boyfriend home and also wanted to protect me when that first boyfriend broke my heart several times. You taught me to love and respect an adult without fearing them. You taught me that there are consequences to my decisions they were never from you but you always warned me about the outside forces.

Some where something went horribly wrong.

I can't remember my life before you and I'm struggling to envision my future without you. You've done some really nasty things to our family and to me. Most of which can not be forgiven. Most of which, we now know are true. The hardest part is that despite all the nastiness you've brought into my life and into my family's life I struggle to let go of the man that rushed to my house to pick me up the day I moved out of my dads. The father that picked me up every day from high school and took me to the chiropractor. I can't forget the protector that ran after the truck that rear ended us and took off. I can not believe he is so far gone. I can not fathom a person changing so much in 3 years.

I'm praying for you. I do love you despite what you've done to my family and I. I want the best for you and I hope that you can find peace because I know that is what you're missing.
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3 Things
1) I am thankful for T taking care of me and Z while we were sick
2) I am thankful for friends who helped me move into my new living quarters
3) I am thankful for spending all day in bed sleeping.

What I'm Going To Miss The Most...

3 out of the 4 siblings + Z in MY bed when I come home from school. 

Late nights talking with my sister and brother
My brother and sister are amazing. They always know what to say and when to say it. Throughout these last 6 months they have listened to me to cry about a broken marriage, recount wild nights, my fears about being on my own and my anxiety over new relationships. Although we don't always see eye to eye, they are ALWAYS there for me with solid, heart protecting advice. 

Getting frozen yogurt after dinner with my sister and Z
Going shopping with my sister
It's so awesome to have a shopping buddy. It's even better when that shopping buddy 1) always scores amazing deals and 2) is a style fashionista.
Laying in bed with my sister
Tormenting my sister
Trying to convince my sister to cuddle with me (she did hold my hand once)
When she was little, I used to pin her down and force her to "cuddle" with me. As she got bigger, I somewhat respected that she didn't want to cuddle, but still tried. Once I moved in, one of the things I struggled most with was not having someone to hold me. She never let me hold her, but laying in bed with her talking was good enough. She did once tell me that she'd let me cuddle her instead of me cuddling a boy. I later tried to take her up on it and she declined.
The homework bar
This is a phenomenon I hope to have in my house with my children. All of us sit around the dinning room table with our laptops. We do homework, we blog, we facebook, we share funny videos, clips and trailers. Being around each other just existing is awesome. It also provides a lot of opportunity to learn about each other, to see what the other is up to in life and to talk. The four of us have spent countless hours around the homework bar. Often times, our late night conversations stem from the hours spent at the bar.
Working out in the family gym, with my brothers
Amazing food cooked by my dad and step mom
The constant ruckus happening in the house
Growing up I lived in a house and was apart of an extended family that was large and loud. Silence was something that I wasn't very familiar with. Once I moved out and lived with The Ex,  my life became very quiet. I found I didn't sleep as well. Now, living in a house with 6 other people, all of who have different schedules and one that is a toddler, it's constantly loud. I love coming home and hearing "my" tv blaring, or my brother playing some instrument. I will miss the noise. The constant presence of someone.
My little brother consuming everything under the roof (he's got a six pack too!)
The convenience of everything being in Glendale. 
Reality of it is, I'm a city girl. Through and through. Living in a small town is suffocating to me.  I love everything that a big city has to offer: preschools, restaurants, people, diversity, shopping, and loads of other things. I enjoy that everything is within 10 minutes of where I live. In Buckeye, I have to drive "into town" to go to a good restaurant, movie theater or for any sort of shopping.

Although the time living with my parents is over, I am eternally indebted to them for taking my daughter and I in during my time of need. I am eternally grateful for my brother and sister, "holding" my hand as I experienced the death of a relationship and growth of an individual. I leave this house on a hill with mixed emotions. I'm so excited for the freedom and the opportunity to do things on my own, but I am also so afraid to do it "by myself", knowing I can not come home to them and ask for help or advice.

I've spent the last 6 months...

These last 6 months have been crazy, crazy, crazy. I've grown in many ways and have experienced life. I'm moving out in less then a week. That alone, will begin a whole new chapter in my life. I'm using this time, to reflect upon the last six months.

I've spent the last 6 months:
living on top of a hill in Glendale.
with a 45-60 minute commute.
not paying any rent
not having a grocery bill
going through a divorce
figuring out where God is
sleeping in the same room with my daughter
sharing meals with my family, that I've missed
figuring out how to raise a child on my own
balancing a new social life with mommy-hood
living paycheck to paycheck
madly looking for a masters program and applying to one
losing 30 pounds
teaching 180 kids 5 days a week
running on very little sleep
making mistakes
"reliving" the college days I never had

My goal for this year was to become self sufficient. Starting Saturday, I will write my first rent check, I will buy my own groceries for the first time in 6 months and start my journey as a real (as opposed to fake?) single mother.  I"m excited for the future and grateful for the past. God is good and will continue to provide for me my needs and I will choose to let that be enough.

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3 Things
1) I am thankful once again for antibiotics. Hopefully this time around Z will feel better
2) I am thankful for friends who are understanding, considerate and helpful
3) I am thankful for an hour to myself.

Does the medium matter?

I've struggled to connect intimately with God for almost 3 years now. The moment I left NYC, I stopped hearing His voice. I searched and searched. Tried starting a home church, lead Bible studies, drifted from church to church, listened exclusively to Christian music, read the Bible, prayed, you named it, I tried it. All of this to no avail.

There were moments here and there where I thought I heard His whispers. But, I didn't, it usually lead to a dead end or disappointment. I know that a lot of my own issues were that I constantly compared church/God to what I had experienced in college. I know that I need to move on past that and accept it for what it is.

The last two weeks, I've gone to Redemption Church-Tempe. Not only have I gone, but I've been attending with my boyfriend T. The first weekend, was pretty awesome, as I mentioned in my last blog. This past weekend was amazing for me. I feel the passion, I feel the yearning of the congregation, the unification of the people the true authentic home of God. It is such an amazing feeling to be fed again. To have my cup filled.

I was talking to my friend S, kind of a motherly mentor to me, and confessed to her that I was hesitant that these last two services were real and authentic. I was fearful that I was feeling this way only because T was there. S pointed out that regardless of why I was feeling God's presence, I should be grateful I was feeling it.. I need to use that feeling to propel myself into individual spiritual growth throughout the week. I need to stop over analyzing everything and let it be what it is.

So the question to myself is: Does the medium matter? Does it really matter how I hear God, so long as I'm hearing God? The answers are clearly NO. I really just need to take it for what it is and enjoy this time of rekindled romance with my God. Take advantage of it and grow from it.

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3 Things
1) I am thankful God bringing T into my life. 
2) I am thankful for perspective to sympathize with my mom.
3) I am thankful for the last 6 months for pain, growth and reflection.

Today I felt God

1/30/11
Today I went to church with T. It was our first time going to church together and it was a church neither of us had been to.
Once we got inside, we found our seats. I tend to sight in the middle of the middle if that makes any sense. This way I can see the worship team AND the pastor when he speaks. I don't venture much from this area.
Before worship even started, I immediately had flashbacks to Flagstaff Vineyard. I saw the electric violin, the 5 guitars, the electric bass, piano and drums not to mention the 3 microphones. It all brought back memories, feelings, things longed for.
Worship started. It was pretty good. I felt the passion from the worship team as they played and I felt it in the audience. Their song selection had a very familiar flow. My heart was softening.
The sermon was over James 1: 13-17.

 ¹³ When tempted, no one should say, “God is tempting me.” For God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does he tempt anyone; ¹⁴ but each person is tempted when they are dragged away by their own evil desire and enticed. ¹⁵ Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death.
 ¹⁶ Don’t be deceived, my dear brothers and sisters. ¹⁷ Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows. 

The entire sermon was about taking responsibility for your temptations/sin and not blaming them on the devil, your neighbor, your friend etc. The pastor also talked a lot about what needs to be done to remedy the situation and how it can also start to consume your life. 

Really, it was a slap in the face. As I'm sitting here typing this, I'm realizing many other aspects of my life that this touches upon. For example: choosing to walk away from God because of my anger towards Him. I blamed Him for things that were happening in my life, rather then REALLY stepping up and taking responsibility. Although it was a painful slap, it is much welcomed. The fact that I felt the slap, let alone His presence left a huge smile on my face. 

After going so long with out feeling His presence, and then randomly, unexpectedly getting such a "comforting touch" is amazing.

I'm really praying this is the reboot of my relationship with Him. I've really missed Him. A LOT.

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3 Things

1) I am thankful for God putting someone in my life who is very patient with me.

2) I am thankful for friends C in NYC and R in Seattle. I love those girls and miss them. 

3) I am thankful that God has ALWAYS provided me what what I've needed, not always what I WANTED, but what I needed.

Supportiveness and Encouragment

I've never experienced true support in my life..... until recently.  My family tries so hard, but I know that I let them down. I know that a lot of times our ideas, opinions, and beliefs do not align. I can imagine how hard it is to support someone who is doing something you don't believe in or don't want them to do. I've been there.

I've been blessed enough to have some amazing friends who no matter what I tell them, have chosen to walk beside me. Letting me make my mistakes and supporting me in the choices I make. Even better is that they tell me they support me. Now, I'm not saying that they support free reign, but they are letting me make my own choices and helping me every step of the way. They are not judgmental but speak the truth. They do not separate themselves from me because of the choices I make, but draw themselves closer.
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Encouragement is another area I felt has lacked in my life. The Ex tried to encourage me, but it just never meant anything. It never stuck, it never motivated me. I think because a part of me knew he didn't really mean it.

It's interesting having friends and family who are ENCOURAGING me to go out and do things, meet people, live on my own, support myself, go back to school, etc. It's nice to know that they think I can do it. It helps me to believe in myself because as a single mom, working full time with nothing to really show for it... sometimes it can be hard.

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3 Things
1) I am thankful that my sister and I can have honest, painful conversations for the sake of God and having an authentic relationship
2) I am thankful for a restful weekend
3) I am thankful for antibiotics. Z had strep this week and is doing MUCH better.

I still believe in marriage

George Clooney won't do it again
Jim Carrey doubts it'll happen for himself
Hundreds of other "normal" people run away from it.

Marriage is something that I still believe in. No matter what I've been through, I'm serious when I say I know it can work and be forever.

I still believe because I've seen:
1) two people fall in love
2) two people stay in love
3) two people choose to always work on their relationship/friendship/marriage
4) nothing greater (outside of God) then the love and companionship a marriage brings
5) two people remain committed to each other through think and thin

One day I will find my prince charming. One day I will marry him. One day. Until then, I will be content with where God has placed me. But, boy, don't I look forward to that day and who knows, maybe he's already in my life, I just don't know it yet.

"there is no greater risk than matrimony.

but there is nothing happier than a happy marriage."

--benjamin disraeli, 1870

in a letter to queen victoria's daughter louise,

congratulating her on her engagement.

via the book committed by elizabeth gilbert

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3 Things

1) I am thankful for teammates that work their tails off to get things done. They seriously rock! 

2) I am thankful for doors being held open for me at dinner. It's the small things that count sometimes.

3) I am thankful for new beginnings and look forward to some awesomely amazing secrets being revealed (no, I'm not pregnant or engaged or married)