Friday, May 27, 2011


I remember one time when I was sorting through my mom's photos, I came across a picture that was ripped in half. After looking at it for a bit, I realized it was my dad that was cut off. At the time, I just accepted that that was the way it was. My mom and dad didn't want to share the memories they once had and wished that the other wasn't there. (I understand now the pain that comes with a divorce and understand why that action was taken to begin with).

That moment always kind of stuck with me for some reason. I decided early on that should anything happen to my marriage, I would not do that. Anything worth taking a picture of was obviously a good memory.

For those of you who know me, know for an extended period of time I was a pretty avid scrapbooker. Over the last 3 years I have slowly backed away from it because I didn't have anything "worth" taking photos of. My life wasn't "picture perfect" or happy. During the summer I'd scrapbook an entire year in about 5-10 pages.
Once I moved out of the house, I got rid of all my major scrapbook supplies. Ready to walk away from scrapbooking. I tucked my books away on a shelf and didn't bother looking at them for a bit.

But within myself, there were many moments that I wanted to go through them. One reason was to relive those past memories, to take me to a place that was happier. Ultimately I didn't. I thought about looking at those pictures and all the feelings coming  back to me (memories evoke feelings right?) and decided if I want to keep these books intact, I need to walk away from them.

I have decided that I will not alter those books at all. The fact of the matter is this:
1) Those books contain some of the most important events, milestones and happenings that have happend to me in the last 13 years. It would be unfair and selfish of me to get rid of these things.

High School Graduation, 2002  
Wedding, 2004

New York, 2007 
Birth of Z, January 16, 2008

Phamily vacation to Mexico, July 2008
Christmas 2009

2) I don't want Z growing up thinking/feeling she was a mistake or that her parents didn't care about each other or her. In all honesty, The Ex and I had 13 years together. We had a lot of great times, millions of memories. I want her to know all those things. I want her to know that she was created out of love and that she wasn't a result of a fight or an accident.

If I were to change anything about those books, I would  be lieing about my life, about where she came from .
I've also decided that I will back up all my pictures on my computer from that time and lock it away for Z for when she gets older. She can decide what she wants to do with them from there, but I have no need for them on my computer anymore. 
I am also madly in love with a very special man in my life. We've started to make memories and I am excited to solidify them in a book. I've heard a lot about digital scrapbooking and think this will be my new adventure.

3 Things
1) I am thankful for time. It helps to make rational decisions
2) I am thankful for my daughter. No matter what, she was the light in that darkness
3) I am thankful for a real and active God, who continues to heal me and move me forward for the next journey in my life.