Monday, February 28, 2011

How to say good bye

There are times in my life when the right words to say goodbye came to me. A time when they were easy, understood and mutual.

In the summers, when church camp was over, it was always expected that there would be massive amounts of sobs, blubbery words, hugs exchanged (which was a HUGE deal cuz the church I went to didn't allow ANY physical contact between opposite sex kids), email addresses swapped and whatever else we thought the other person deserved...

When college was over, my cohort engaged in "the last supper", even though it was actually breakfast, we all showed up at a little place in Flag, had one last meal together and enjoyed everyone's company. We knew this was going to be the last time we'd all ever be together again.

When The Ex and I moved from Flagstaff to NYC, our church spent one last Sunday meal with us. All our friends went to say goodbye together. We went to all of ours favorite hangout, prayed and ate like nothing was going to change. At the end, we said "good bye and see you soon".

When I left NYC, my closest friends were there to say goodbye. B took me to dinner a few nights before we left and B2 took me to Johnny Rockets. We spent our times together to say goodbye and when the time came for me to walk out of the VPC doors forever, I just gave everyone a hug and walked out.

When I moved out of my own house, I just left. There were no words that were needed.

When I moved out of my dad's house, there was nothing. That's how we roll.
The whole week leading up to the move was a bit awkward. I felt like I was disconnected from the family as if I wasn't living there anymore. Conversations kind of went no where, peopel were in their own world.
The whole week after moving, not a word. No one called, including myself. As if everything went back to "normal"

It's not a negative feeling, just an observation on how different relationships function.
3 Things
1) Today I am thankful for the support to appropriately discipline my daughter (I struggle with this)
2) Today I am thankful for my mentor S. She is stern and honest with me, BUT does it with love. I need that.
3) Today I am thankful for some quiet.

Sunday, February 13, 2011

Open Letter

 You made me scooby snacks and moe-coo countless times. You perfected baked ham and turkey just to see the satisfaction on our faces.  You worked your tail off to provide our family a safe place to live. You always loved to bring up eating wings with my pinky up, Area 51 and Uno. You spent many hours "flinging shit" in the front yard, fixing the neighbors house, chopping down the trees in the back. You used to help plant flowers in the spring and lost countless Christmas gifts in the abyss. When one of us was sick, you loaded us up with vitamins, checked on us in the middle of the night to make sure we had no fever and made us drink nasty concoctions so we could get healthy again.  You were protective of us.

In a lot of ways you showed me what it was like for a husband to love his wife. You were delicate, caring, considerate and paid attention to the needs of your wife. You went on adventures with her, consulted with her about any things her children wanted to do, never letting them play you against each other. Nursed her back to health countless times and held her hand through many rough patches. In my mind, I know you are the reason she is here today. I know you are the glue that held her together. You two were a single unit.

You were a father to me. Growing up, you taught me how to defend myself, how to challenge my thinking and the thinking of those around me. You also taught me how to care for my body and what it is like to care for others.You forced me to exercise with you, not just because you wanted to torture me, but because you wanted to make sure I was healthy and strong.You teased me relentlessly not because you were mean, but because you wanted me to have a tough outer shell.You took me to my first high school dance, let me bring my first boyfriend home and also wanted to protect me when that first boyfriend broke my heart several times. You taught me to love and respect an adult without fearing them. You taught me that there are consequences to my decisions they were never from you but you always warned me about the outside forces.

Some where something went horribly wrong.

I can't remember my life before you and I'm struggling to envision my future without you. You've done some really nasty things to our family and to me. Most of which can not be forgiven. Most of which, we now know are true. The hardest part is that despite all the nastiness you've brought into my life and into my family's life I struggle to let go of the man that rushed to my house to pick me up the day I moved out of my dads. The father that picked me up every day from high school and took me to the chiropractor. I can't forget the protector that ran after the truck that rear ended us and took off. I can not believe he is so far gone. I can not fathom a person changing so much in 3 years.

I'm praying for you. I do love you despite what you've done to my family and I. I want the best for you and I hope that you can find peace because I know that is what you're missing.
3 Things
1) I am thankful for T taking care of me and Z while we were sick
2) I am thankful for friends who helped me move into my new living quarters
3) I am thankful for spending all day in bed sleeping.

Friday, February 11, 2011

What I'm Going To Miss The Most...

3 out of the 4 siblings + Z in MY bed when I come home from school. 
Late nights talking with my sister and brother
My brother and sister are amazing. They always know what to say and when to say it. Throughout these last 6 months they have listened to me to cry about a broken marriage, recount wild nights, my fears about being on my own and my anxiety over new relationships. Although we don't always see eye to eye, they are ALWAYS there for me with solid, heart protecting advice. 
Getting frozen yogurt after dinner with my sister and Z
Going shopping with my sister

It's so awesome to have a shopping buddy. It's even better when that shopping buddy 1) always scores amazing deals and 2) is a style fashionista.
Laying in bed with my sister
Tormenting my sister
Trying to convince my sister to cuddle with me (she did hold my hand once)

When she was little, I used to pin her down and force her to "cuddle" with me. As she got bigger, I somewhat respected that she didn't want to cuddle, but still tried. Once I moved in, one of the things I struggled most with was not having someone to hold me. She never let me hold her, but laying in bed with her talking was good enough. She did once tell me that she'd let me cuddle her instead of me cuddling a boy. I later tried to take her up on it and she declined.
The homework bar
This is a phenomenon I hope to have in my house with my children. All of us sit around the dinning room table with our laptops. We do homework, we blog, we facebook, we share funny videos, clips and trailers. Being around each other just existing is awesome. It also provides a lot of opportunity to learn about each other, to see what the other is up to in life and to talk. The four of us have spent countless hours around the homework bar. Often times, our late night conversations stem from the hours spent at the bar.
Working out in the family gym, with my brothers
Amazing food cooked by my dad and step mom
The constant ruckus happening in the house

Growing up I lived in a house and was apart of an extended family that was large and loud. Silence was something that I wasn't very familiar with. Once I moved out and lived with The Ex,  my life became very quiet. I found I didn't sleep as well. Now, living in a house with 6 other people, all of who have different schedules and one that is a toddler, it's constantly loud. I love coming home and hearing "my" tv blaring, or my brother playing some instrument. I will miss the noise. The constant presence of someone.
My little brother consuming everything under the roof (he's got a six pack too!)
The convenience of everything being in Glendale. 

Reality of it is, I'm a city girl. Through and through. Living in a small town is suffocating to me.  I love everything that a big city has to offer: preschools, restaurants, people, diversity, shopping, and loads of other things. I enjoy that everything is within 10 minutes of where I live. In Buckeye, I have to drive "into town" to go to a good restaurant, movie theater or for any sort of shopping.

Although the time living with my parents is over, I am eternally indebted to them for taking my daughter and I in during my time of need. I am eternally grateful for my brother and sister, "holding" my hand as I experienced the death of a relationship and growth of an individual. I leave this house on a hill with mixed emotions. I'm so excited for the freedom and the opportunity to do things on my own, but I am also so afraid to do it "by myself", knowing I can not come home to them and ask for help or advice.

    Wednesday, February 9, 2011

    I've spent the last 6 months...

    These last 6 months have been crazy, crazy, crazy. I've grown in many ways and have experienced life. I'm moving out in less then a week. That alone, will begin a whole new chapter in my life. I'm using this time, to reflect upon the last six months.

    I've spent the last 6 months:
    living on top of a hill in Glendale.
    with a 45-60 minute commute.
    not paying any rent
    not having a grocery bill
    going through a divorce
    figuring out where God is
    sleeping in the same room with my daughter
    sharing meals with my family, that I've missed
    figuring out how to raise a child on my own
    balancing a new social life with mommy-hood
    living paycheck to paycheck
    madly looking for a masters program and applying to one
    losing 30 pounds
    teaching 180 kids 5 days a week
    running on very little sleep
    making mistakes
    "reliving" the college days I never had

    My goal for this year was to become self sufficient. Starting Saturday, I will write my first rent check, I will buy my own groceries for the first time in 6 months and start my journey as a real (as opposed to fake?) single mother.  I"m excited for the future and grateful for the past. God is good and will continue to provide for me my needs and I will choose to let that be enough.

    3 Things
    1) I am thankful once again for antibiotics. Hopefully this time around Z will feel better
    2) I am thankful for friends who are understanding, considerate and helpful
    3) I am thankful for an hour to myself.

    Tuesday, February 8, 2011

    Does the medium matter?

    I've struggled to connect intimately with God for almost 3 years now. The moment I left NYC, I stopped hearing His voice. I searched and searched. Tried starting a home church, lead Bible studies, drifted from church to church, listened exclusively to Christian music, read the Bible, prayed, you named it, I tried it. All of this to no avail.

    There were moments here and there where I thought I heard His whispers. But, I didn't, it usually lead to a dead end or disappointment. I know that a lot of my own issues were that I constantly compared church/God to what I had experienced in college. I know that I need to move on past that and accept it for what it is.

    The last two weeks, I've gone to Redemption Church-Tempe. Not only have I gone, but I've been attending with my boyfriend T. The first weekend, was pretty awesome, as I mentioned in my last blog. This past weekend was amazing for me. I feel the passion, I feel the yearning of the congregation, the unification of the people the true authentic home of God. It is such an amazing feeling to be fed again. To have my cup filled.

    I was talking to my friend S, kind of a motherly mentor to me, and confessed to her that I was hesitant that these last two services were real and authentic. I was fearful that I was feeling this way only because T was there. S pointed out that regardless of why I was feeling God's presence, I should be grateful I was feeling it.. I need to use that feeling to propel myself into individual spiritual growth throughout the week. I need to stop over analyzing everything and let it be what it is.

    So the question to myself is: Does the medium matter? Does it really matter how I hear God, so long as I'm hearing God? The answers are clearly NO. I really just need to take it for what it is and enjoy this time of rekindled romance with my God. Take advantage of it and grow from it.

    3 Things
    1) I am thankful God bringing T into my life. 
    2) I am thankful for perspective to sympathize with my mom.
    3) I am thankful for the last 6 months for pain, growth and reflection.