Monday, December 19, 2011

What a girl (like me) needs.

1) Love
2) Affection
3) Support
4) Gentleness
5) Lots of patients
6) Compassion
7) Strength
8) Guidance
9) Humor
Most importantly: 
10) Reassurance. I grew up in a family where reassurance wasn't given. I never knew when I made people happy, only when they were displeased/dissatisfied with me. Now, as an adult, I constantly seek out reassurance. If I'm in a situation where I know I'm not doing the BEST, I'll avoid you. Afraid you'll point it out. Even worse though is when I'm doing my best and it's pointed out that I did something someone wasn't satisfied with. THE WORST feeling is knowing someone is dissatisfied with you. So, I need constant reassurance. Some people see this as being needy. It's not needy in the sense that I need you there every moment of my life it's needy in the sense that I need to feel like I'm doing things right for you, weather it be friendship, relationship, work, parenting etc. The moment I feel like you become unsatisfied I go into overdrive, afraid you will retaliate. So I want to know everything, I won't drop the situation, I become manic about things and that's when I lose control and just kinda go in a downward spiral.
As a child the retaliation I experienced was discipline, kids not wanting to be my friends etc. I responded by either fighting back or begging for friends. Regardless, neither was the right approach.
As an adult I have mainly seen this affect my relationship with my SO. In past, it's pushed them away, in present it does the same. I respond by being overly dramatic, turning the situation onto ME so I can "fix" the problem. I just want to move past the situation. "Get over it" sort to say.

Regardless of my up bringing, my past or my current stage of life, I am the one who needs to "get over it". No one on Earth is responsible for reassuring me. No one on this planet can fulfill that constantly and eternally. The only one who can fill my cup up is God. I know all the stories, I've read a lot of the books, but I need to start actively leaning on Him. Humans are sinful and will ALWAYS disappoint. If I continue to depend on them, I will continue to feel inadequate. When in reality, I am and always have been sufficient enough because of Him.

3 things
1) Today I am thankful for my sweet sweet daughter. She was so bright today
2) Today I am thankful for a day to get things done around the house
3) Today I am thankful that it will be the last night I'll have to go to bed worrying about the alarm going off at 5AM.

Monday, December 12, 2011

A year in review.

lived with my dad
Commuted INTO work, 45 minute drive
Z went to school in Glendale
Searching for Him
Searching for "The One"
Serious diet control (this was the only real thing I had control over)
Mourning loss of a marriage
Mourning loss of friendships
Partying EVERY weekend
Neglecting my work
Neglecting my daughter

Found Him
Found The One
Live in Buckeye
Commute 15 minutes to school
Z goes to school in Buckeye
Commute into Tempe 2-4x week (45 minute drive)
Rebuilding friendships
Learning to live life with The Ex
Spending more time with Z (she loves helping me cook!)

I started writing this post about two months ago. I've kind of picked it up and dropped it since then. My life has made a complete 180.
I can not believe how much God has shown himself and changed me for the better. I am amazed at the people he has put into my life, taken away and/or brought back. I am amazed that I was strong enough to do this myself (because of Him).  I am so in love with Him and can PROUDLY say I have found a home church, after not having one for nearly 5 years. Not only has God lead me to this church but I have also become a member of this church and am SO SUPER excited for what will come from this community, spiritual growth and support. Some days I'm still in amazement that I went from a dry desert to a habitable, nutrient dense jungle.

Not only has God worked in my life on a spiritual level, but He has worked in me and through my Ex to make what little "relationship" we have conducive to raising a child. He has taught me through multiple outlets that not only do I need to swallow my pride for Z's sake, but to strive to behave the way Jesus would've. I am incredibly thankful that we (T and I) can have dinner with him and his fiance. I am thankful He has placed a women in his life that 1) speaks to his needs, 2) communicates with me, 3) doesn't over step her boundaries as a "step" parent and 4) helps him to see my perspective.
A year ago, I was so done with him, I really was ready to cut all communication but I did have a dream to make things civil amongst us for Z's sake. My heart has truly changed and, although I still go through rough patches communicating with him, and emotions get mixed up, I am glad I sucked it up and worked it out with him.

One of the biggest blessings to come out of this year is T. To write the story would not do it justice. I met a boy one cold windy Sunday morning who I thought nothing of, aside from the fact that we had chatted online for a few months. In all honesty, ever since then we have pretty much be inseparable. He has grown immensely and I see God shaping him and I see his eagerness to please God. I see his love and desire for all that is good for me and for us. I have never met a person who express so much how they feel for me and actually follows through with those words. Here we are almost 12 months later, we are engaged and planning a wedding, but  more then that we are seeking God's desire for us together and consistently. It was hard for me to image letting someone into my heart again, but he has become my best friend, someone I can depend on. I am grateful and immensely blessed that God has chosen to place him in my life. 
Thankful fors
1) A God who NEVER forsakes his children
2) A daughter that is so freakin cute
3) Having more places to call home then 99% of the population.