Thursday, April 21, 2011

His plan is ALWAYS greater then mine.

*This was pulled from my FB account. Dates back to NYC times. It's lengthy but could be worth a read AND there is a reflection at the end. *


Such as life i suppose.

by Jasmine Lok on Sunday, April 1, 2007 at 1:17pm
so... it's almost been a year since we moved out here. 10 months.
i want to go back to where i was before. i miss my friends and family. the community there was unlike anything i have found or heard of.
am i holding on to the past to much? should i just let it all go. all the people.. all the memories... all the possibilities?
i know god will direct us in the right area, but until it's "right" my heart longs for what i had.
i feel like i've gone through a divorce that neither party wanted. my heart hurts so bad and i know others felt/feel that way too.
things in NY have been getting better. we've forced ourselves to plug into a church. i'm not quite sure how i feel about it. i like the people, but i dont know, there's just something about it that i dont get. maybe it's because it's "too big". i dont get that sense of community amongst everyone.
no one prays for anyone. no one touches anyone. it's just more... sterile i suppose.

job hunting is going to SUCK!! i know nothing about any of the schools, nor where any of the schools are. so this shall be interesting. i'll have to start my masters next year, which i dont want to and will also suck.

we're probably moving to brooklyn in june when our lease is up. it's too expensive here and we'd like to save up more then what we are able to now. the commute into NYC will be the same (which will be awesome) but the rent will be $500-$700 less, so that would be even more awesome.

over all, things are getting better here. as things get better here, i'm still finding myself wanting to go back to flagstaff more and more. i dont know. i'm crazy sometimes i know, but i just want to go back. i miss everything about it (even the snow which is WAY better then NY snow).
every once in a while aaron will say "let's move back. just cut our losses and move back" my heart always skips a beat because i know that there is still so much more for us to see and do in NY, but ultimately that means nothing when you dont have family or friends.
we wouldn't be so lonely. so distant from society. so lost.
i'm sure it'll get better, but when and will i have patients for it to actually happen?
Wow, is all I can say.
Those of you who know me in "real life" and have had conversations with me about New York, know that I am IN LOVE with NYC and sorta, kinda, just a little bit, regret moving back to AZ in 2008. It's amazing to re-read this and see where I was in that stage of life. Even at moment of my life. I was working at the preschool and was still a TINY bit disconnected from my co-workers. Come July, when I moved,  I had developed friendships that would last a life time. I can not believe that I had such little faith in God at that moment. My co-workers were my greatest friends in NYC. My job, also became the best job I have ever had. I miss both on a regular basis. Although there are days when I miss my Flagstaff family, I had built a real, true, authentic community.

We ended up plugging into a church called Forefront. I still attend that church when I visit, and my cousin now goes there. I built several relationships there have carried through with my move to AZ. At the time, we did become very involved and left, loving the church and people.

We moved to Astoria, rented a 2 bedroom 1 bathroom, with a yard for about $1800. SUPER CHEAP and SUPER HUGE. We signed a 2 year lease. 2 months into that lease we found out we were pregnant and the landlord let us out of the lease no questions asked. It was literally a miracle. 
There were many wonderful things about NYC that I was too blind to see at the time. Now looking back, I can recognize them. However, I also recognize something more important. Should I have stayed in NYC, I would have ended up completely alone and helpless in NYC during and after the divorce.  Did God for see what was going to happen to my marriage and choose to bring me home so I could have strong family support, guidance and help? Did God know that I would need a few years to build DEEP friendships to help me through the divorce? Did God know? I know there is free will. God knows all the choices a person can make and all the outcomes that will happen because of that choice.
It's taken me almost 4 years, but I see He was protecting me. Giving me what I needed, when I would need it. He put things into play WAY before I knew I would need them.
Again, I am so disappointed in myself. So disappointed that I so quickly lost faith in God. So disappointed how quickly I thought God wasn't present.

3 Things
1) I am thankful for seeing God's plan
2) I am thankful for God's sovereign timing
3) I am thankful for a life that is good because of Him.

Friday, April 15, 2011


God is been revealing a lot to me over the last several weeks. I’m grateful for this insight and that I am seeing Him move in my life.

First, God has shown me that what I thought I knew love was, was in fact incorrect. In my marriage, neither party was patient, kind, forgiving etc. Intimacy was rare. Through time, I started associating intimacy with love. “When I love you, I am intimate with you”.  I started to feel as if I wasn’t loved because he wasn’t intimate with me. This realization brought me back to the whole reason I became saved to begin with. 1 Corinthians 13.

The realization that someone or something (God) should/could be patient, kind, isn’t envious, keeps no record of wrong and isn’t’ easily angered etc.(really badly summarized)  by my actions was infeasible. I grew up in a house where a lot of this wasn’t shown or displayed. When I read this, I knew this is what I wanted and what I needed in my life and also how I wanted to reflect love in my life.

Now, as I’m entering into a new, real relationship, I am finding that I’m putting that “when I love you, I am intimate with you” mentality back into place. BUT when I take a step back (which has only been recently, as this realization only hit me on Wednesday as I was driving home) I’m seeing that I don’t need to. Its misplaced assumptions.

T is so amazingly patient with me, it is unbelievable. I cannot ever put into words how surprised I am how he reacts to me when I flip my lid, or say something harsh, or go through something difficult. He is always slow to anger, slow to speak and eager to listen. He forgives me for all my little flaws, wrong doings and understands that I am working on those things and prays for me/with me.  To me, he truly embodies 1 Corinthians 13. Realizing this is what I have in my life, has pointed out to me the misguided feelings and thoughts I have on what love is. Although this realization was pulled out through the relationship T and I have, it’s God that even put this feeling on my heart and its God that made me realize the association I had with it. 

                Second, God is teaching me that I need to constantly pray for myself and my family. In recent weeks, I have been attacked spiritually with thoughts of fear, doubt and withdrawal.

When I was at my “peek” relationship with God in college, I was very aware of the spiritual realm. I constantly prayed for myself. I never felt anything bad or negative around me and just assumed it was how my life would work. Since realigning my walk with God, I haven’t prayed for this aspect of my life at all. I was totally ignorant to it.

Two weeks ago, I started to withdraw from my routine with God (Bible study, listening to worship music, wanting community). That Tuesday, the song, Blessed be your name (by Tree63) came on. In all times past, this has been a song that has ALWAYS lifted my spirits weather I was needing it or not. That morning, I DISTINCLY did NOT want to listen to it and I turned it off. There was a part in me that cringed when I did that, but I ignored it and moved on. That Thursday, I went to my first RC group (like a Bible study) and the ENTIRE time I was there, I was just angry. (I was angry because of what I felt like I was owed from God. I was mad he had taken away the community I had, the leadership I was in, groups I had lead. I was jealous that there was someone there whose walk with God was so deep and passionate as compared to mine. Really, all silly things) The anger took over and despite the authentic relationship and community this group of people has with each other, the desire for me to connect into a Bible study, I did not want to be a part of it.  I left discouraged. I felt like I was starting all over again and I didn’t want to do it. On a side note, I had been a part of MANY Bible studies since college and have never felt this way before.  T pointed out that a lot of this is fear and that the enemy could be using this against me and getting a grip on me.  Just to make things go full circle, that following Sunday, one of the last songs we sang at the end of the service was Blessed be your name.  Seeing, reading and singing those words are exactly what I needed that day. It made me realize that He will give and take away but regardless I need to keep my focus on God, blessed is His name. Even when the darkness closes in, I need to keep my focus on God, blessed is His name.             

I walked away from that week realizing how quickly I turn my back on God and try to do things myself, or lose faith that He can do it for me.  I learned that one negative seed can quickly sprout if I don’t pray about that aspect of my life.
3 Things
1) I am thankful for a God who is caring, merciful and patient
2) I am thankful for the relationship that I am rebuilding with God
3) I am thankful for all the amazing things He is whispering into my ear. ALWAYS at the right moment.