Saturday, December 19, 2009

Going through the motions

Boy do those words ring true to me.
Since my last post not much has really gotten better aside form DH and I. We have managed to come to terms with each others beliefs or lack there of. We have "accepted" that the other will continue with their beliefs. This is still very hard for me. I have not regularly attended church since his big announcement and I find myself doubting weather I will ever go back or not. Don't get me wrong, I still love God with all my heart and soul and know that He is in control, but I just don't feel ready to go to church yet. This deeply saddens me. For so long I sought refuge in church and looked forward to worship, communion and community. Recently I find myself purposely avoiding any company, not worshiping, just basically turning God off on the outside world. The void is there and I can feel it. I know I need to turn back and start finding a church, people with similar beliefs etc. I also know it will come and that God will allow me this time to "learn" my way back. I continuously pray for little Z that she will not be affected by this. That despite her father's lack of beliefs (which are beliefs in and of themselves), she will grow strong in the Word of God and grow to reflect that. I just really feel all alone in this adventure and don't really know who to talk to. I have several close friends that I know I can talk to about this but there is some kind of block, something is stopping me from asking for help or a listening ear.

Last night we hung out with some people that we used to be very close to. I felt oblgated to go to the christmas get together that they had. I didn't want to go because I really have nothing in common with them anymore and quite frankly don't really want to be around them because of the lack of interst they have shown in my life since DH denounced his faith. (This is when I would've needed them the most) The whole time I was there, it just felt empty. There wasn't that "fire" that used to be there when we were close friends, genral lack of interst on their part. They invited us just to be nice. I tried to offer help when they needed it, but they didn't take it. That hurt. I put myself out there again.

Obviously things aren't getting better here in Buckeye. We are strongly considering our options so we can get out of here ASAP. We even thought about moving back in with our parents until we could get out of this house. We have talked to a few people about our options with the house and we will see what happens with the options. I am praying for direction. Obviously DH and I want to make the right decision for our family. We aren't exactly sure what that is right know, we just know that we are so unhappy here that it's bringing our outlook on life down.

Really, on some days the pain is just so much. My heart bursts with sorrow sometimes because of the way things have turned out. I'm at a loss as to what to do to get ourselves out of this feeling aside from walk away from our house, but even then, I'm not quite sure that will resolve the issues, pain and resentment.

I have found it very hard to get into any type of holiday cheer. No Christmas parties this year, no real get together's, no gift exchanges, we're all by ourselves this year. Really sucks.
I sound so depressed. Ha, I probably am. Atleast I have some where to share and get it out.

My hope and prayer is that this time next year life will be great. I know my God as put me through this season for a reason. This is the only thing that has kept me going. I know that the lessons learned will be invaluable. I know that the reward in the end is like nothing I can comprehend. All that seems like nothing right now, which is a mindset I need to change.

With all this negativity, there are many things I am thankful for:
1) My husband, who despite his beliefs, has been more sensetive to mine then in the past, among other things.
2) My daughter is AWESOME and such a blessing. Every day I look at her and am amazed at how God knit her together in my womb. Wow!!
3) My job! This year so far (we're half way through) has been AH-MAZING! I am so in love with my kids. It is fun going to work nearly every single day.
4) My family, they are keeping us in thier prayers and always willing to help whenever we need them.
5) My friends. I can honestly say that DH and I do not have close friends withing 45 miles of us. This is truely taxing on our life and some friendships. But those real friends are the best. Always there to cheer us on and cheer us up. Paying attention to our lives and us to theirs. Investing time.

There are many other things I am greatful for. I am truely blessed in every sense. I have a house, a car, a job, a husband who loves me, a daughter who is relatively healthy and always happy, my husband has a stable job and we aren't struggling. Really, what more could I want. And yet, with all this, I, no we are still discontent. Goes back to the thought of "will I ever be content?".

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

hurting, need some sort of healing

wow, the last 6 weeks have been really hard for me. i have so many different emotions going on i don't know how to deal with them.
1) staying at home: this is so hard for me. i originally wanted a job this summer to get outa the house every once in a while, but hubby said no. i've been going stir crazy at home, doing house work. it's the same mundane thing everyday. i've tried going out with people and it works great, but i dont get to go out that often because there aren't that many play groups that i know of or belong to and i only have so many friends with kids who are avaliable.
2) hubby denounces his faith: this has by far been the hardest part. about 2-3 weeks ago H told me he didnt believe in god anymore. this has really thrown me through a loop whole. we already struggle enough as it is, to not have god as our center really frightens me. i find myself not trusting him, doubting him, fearing him, being angry with him and a whole other barrage of emotions. a part of me wants to remain deep in my faith and KNOW that this will soon pass, but another part of me wonders if i give up Christ, will it make things better between us. every day there is awkward silence. like neither of us knows what to say to each other anymore for fear of either 1)offending the other or 2) hurting thier feelings. I feel sometimes like this will never pass and we'll end a statistic. neither of us wants to. we are both determined to work things out, it's just hard and sucks really bad.
3) hating where i live: it's no suprise to those of you who talk to me regularly know i despise where i live. i can not wait to get out of here. as far as i'm concerned it can't happen fast enough. unfortunately we are stuck until something severe happens. apart of me blames this place for what H and I are going through now. there have been situations that have happend with friends that have deeply wounded H and would not have happend if we ddin't live here. we would've never been a part of a church that we felt so neglected in. H reached out to the pastor and he didn't do anything. no wonder he is where he is in is walk of faith.
4) mixed emotions about letting friendships go and come back: i've let a few friendships slip this past year. i dont know quite how i feel about that. i know one of them i have already made the steps to reconcile, but the other i dont know if i want to, which saddens me because we were "best of friends" for the longest time. until i stopped calling.
5) lack of friends: H knows i trust hardly anyone. going through this season in our lives i've noticed i' lack the propper friend that i'm able to open up to. i have several close friend where i live, but i dont' feel comfortable spewing all my nasties to them. i also have dear friends in various places across the US that i find hard to burdden them with this info (because they are so far away). the one person i want to tell everything to would listen, but is not in the country. i just want them to hold me and tell me everything will work out.

i guess time will tell what's in store for my life.

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

My God

So it's been a while since i've spoken to my God. I'd say not since a few weeks after i left NYC. Since living in AZ we have gone to several churches. We've pluged in to two and have/will ended up leaving both of them. it's so hard to find something that is fitting, accepting, and spiritually fulfilling.

so what's my problem? i dont know. i'm starting to think what i experienced a long time ago is something that was unique and may never be recaputred again. if this is fact, my life will be rough. i'm so desperate to hear God's voice, to grow in His word and to gather with ohter believers and talk to them aobut things that matter. I NEED deeper, i can not survive in surface level sermons, friendships, outreaches, worship etc.

What can i do to make things better?
1) Read my Bible every day
2) Pray every day
a) For Z
b) For Aaron
c) for my marriage
d) for daily/spiritual guidance
3) keep searching

Basically i am running on empty (spiritually).

Thursday, April 16, 2009

Ear infections.. chicken pot pie...

So this morning Z woke at 1:30am screaming. she didn't stop till 7:3oam. Needless to say i ran into work and made lesson plans and made the earliest appointment possible. as i'm driving there, i'm just hoping it's teething and not a 4th ear infection. when we get there, her temperature starts rising and she is worn out. we finally see the doctor and she confirms my worst fear, not one, but two ear infections. ARG. She told me there pretty much isn't anything i can do about it aside from keeping her hands clean and not letting her drink out of a bottle (for some reason the sucking motion makes it harder for the ear canals to drain). so another round of antibiotics and $15 in sippy cups later and we were home by 1:30pm. Z has been sleeping since around 2pm and wakes up every 30 or so minutes but doesn't open her eyes, she just cries. poor poor girl.

In the mean while, i've cleaned the whole house, minus vaccumming and mopping. i have started dinner. i'm attempting my second go around of chicken pot pie. last time i made it the bottom crust didn't cook like it was supposed to. we'll see how it turns out. i'll get started on it in about an hour.

on a side note: your dishwasher officially took a crap today. Poor aaron, now has to stress about how we are going to pay for it. AND our sprinkler system is on the funk so that needs to be replaced as well (we just got sod in, and it needs to be watered at certain times for a specific amount of time, otherwise it will die or drown)... system is on the fritz and waters whenever it wants to for however long it wants to. nearly drowned my citrus trees and the veggies growing in it.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

My little family..

I love my family so much. I truely do have an amazing husband, no matter how much i bitch at him. He does everything in his power to provide for me what he think and sometimes knows i want. he does anything i ask him to do and without reservation. He is nearly selfless. :)

I have the most perfect daughter. yes, she gets on my nerves sometimes but i would never trade her for ANYTHING.

I really have some things on the inside that i need to work on. number uno is trust. for some reason, i've got ginormous trust issues... almost for no reason. i need to really do some soul searching to figure out what'sjavascript:void(0) going on.

Sunday, April 12, 2009

First blog= Vent blog

Why is that no matter how much A and I put ourselves out there we aren't included? I am so sick of this back and forth in our "friendship". I wanted things to get better and to work out, I thought we still had fridge rights BUT it's apparent we don't and you are just not adult enough to tell us. Rather you just let us sit on the side line, thinking nothing is wrong and constantly ignoring us.

Well, I'm done. I will no longer put myself out there. I am going to not invite you to things nor will I go out of my to see if I'm invited to things you plan. I can take a hint and know when I'm not wanted.

I'm trusting in God to help me deal with this in an appropriate way rather then ripping you a new on either in person or on your little Facebook status update.

And you wonder why we continue talking about moving to Seattle....