God is been revealing a lot to me over the last several weeks. I’m grateful for this insight and that I am seeing Him move in my life.
First, God has shown me that what I thought I knew love was, was in fact incorrect. In my marriage, neither party was patient, kind, forgiving etc. Intimacy was rare. Through time, I started associating intimacy with love. “When I love you, I am intimate with you”. I started to feel as if I wasn’t loved because he wasn’t intimate with me. This realization brought me back to the whole reason I became saved to begin with. 1 Corinthians 13.
The realization that someone or something (God) should/could be patient, kind, isn’t envious, keeps no record of wrong and isn’t’ easily angered etc.(really badly summarized) by my actions was infeasible. I grew up in a house where a lot of this wasn’t shown or displayed. When I read this, I knew this is what I wanted and what I needed in my life and also how I wanted to reflect love in my life.
Now, as I’m entering into a new, real relationship, I am finding that I’m putting that “when I love you, I am intimate with you” mentality back into place. BUT when I take a step back (which has only been recently, as this realization only hit me on Wednesday as I was driving home) I’m seeing that I don’t need to. Its misplaced assumptions.
T is so amazingly patient with me, it is unbelievable. I cannot ever put into words how surprised I am how he reacts to me when I flip my lid, or say something harsh, or go through something difficult. He is always slow to anger, slow to speak and eager to listen. He forgives me for all my little flaws, wrong doings and understands that I am working on those things and prays for me/with me. To me, he truly embodies 1 Corinthians 13. Realizing this is what I have in my life, has pointed out to me the misguided feelings and thoughts I have on what love is. Although this realization was pulled out through the relationship T and I have, it’s God that even put this feeling on my heart and its God that made me realize the association I had with it.
Second, God is teaching me that I need to constantly pray for myself and my family. In recent weeks, I have been attacked spiritually with thoughts of fear, doubt and withdrawal.
When I was at my “peek” relationship with God in college, I was very aware of the spiritual realm. I constantly prayed for myself. I never felt anything bad or negative around me and just assumed it was how my life would work. Since realigning my walk with God, I haven’t prayed for this aspect of my life at all. I was totally ignorant to it.
Two weeks ago, I started to withdraw from my routine with God (Bible study, listening to worship music, wanting community). That Tuesday, the song, Blessed be your name (by Tree63) came on. In all times past, this has been a song that has ALWAYS lifted my spirits weather I was needing it or not. That morning, I DISTINCLY did NOT want to listen to it and I turned it off. There was a part in me that cringed when I did that, but I ignored it and moved on. That Thursday, I went to my first RC group (like a Bible study) and the ENTIRE time I was there, I was just angry. (I was angry because of what I felt like I was owed from God. I was mad he had taken away the community I had, the leadership I was in, groups I had lead. I was jealous that there was someone there whose walk with God was so deep and passionate as compared to mine. Really, all silly things) The anger took over and despite the authentic relationship and community this group of people has with each other, the desire for me to connect into a Bible study, I did not want to be a part of it. I left discouraged. I felt like I was starting all over again and I didn’t want to do it. On a side note, I had been a part of MANY Bible studies since college and have never felt this way before. T pointed out that a lot of this is fear and that the enemy could be using this against me and getting a grip on me. Just to make things go full circle, that following Sunday, one of the last songs we sang at the end of the service was Blessed be your name. Seeing, reading and singing those words are exactly what I needed that day. It made me realize that He will give and take away but regardless I need to keep my focus on God, blessed is His name. Even when the darkness closes in, I need to keep my focus on God, blessed is His name.
I walked away from that week realizing how quickly I turn my back on God and try to do things myself, or lose faith that He can do it for me. I learned that one negative seed can quickly sprout if I don’t pray about that aspect of my life.
1) I am thankful for a God who is caring, merciful and patient
2) I am thankful for the relationship that I am rebuilding with God
3) I am thankful for all the amazing things He is whispering into my ear. ALWAYS at the right moment.