Monday, December 19, 2011

What a girl (like me) needs.

1) Love
2) Affection
3) Support
4) Gentleness
5) Lots of patients
6) Compassion
7) Strength
8) Guidance
9) Humor
Most importantly: 
10) Reassurance. I grew up in a family where reassurance wasn't given. I never knew when I made people happy, only when they were displeased/dissatisfied with me. Now, as an adult, I constantly seek out reassurance. If I'm in a situation where I know I'm not doing the BEST, I'll avoid you. Afraid you'll point it out. Even worse though is when I'm doing my best and it's pointed out that I did something someone wasn't satisfied with. THE WORST feeling is knowing someone is dissatisfied with you. So, I need constant reassurance. Some people see this as being needy. It's not needy in the sense that I need you there every moment of my life it's needy in the sense that I need to feel like I'm doing things right for you, weather it be friendship, relationship, work, parenting etc. The moment I feel like you become unsatisfied I go into overdrive, afraid you will retaliate. So I want to know everything, I won't drop the situation, I become manic about things and that's when I lose control and just kinda go in a downward spiral.
As a child the retaliation I experienced was discipline, kids not wanting to be my friends etc. I responded by either fighting back or begging for friends. Regardless, neither was the right approach.
As an adult I have mainly seen this affect my relationship with my SO. In past, it's pushed them away, in present it does the same. I respond by being overly dramatic, turning the situation onto ME so I can "fix" the problem. I just want to move past the situation. "Get over it" sort to say.

Regardless of my up bringing, my past or my current stage of life, I am the one who needs to "get over it". No one on Earth is responsible for reassuring me. No one on this planet can fulfill that constantly and eternally. The only one who can fill my cup up is God. I know all the stories, I've read a lot of the books, but I need to start actively leaning on Him. Humans are sinful and will ALWAYS disappoint. If I continue to depend on them, I will continue to feel inadequate. When in reality, I am and always have been sufficient enough because of Him.

3 things
1) Today I am thankful for my sweet sweet daughter. She was so bright today
2) Today I am thankful for a day to get things done around the house
3) Today I am thankful that it will be the last night I'll have to go to bed worrying about the alarm going off at 5AM.

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