Wednesday, June 24, 2009

hurting, need some sort of healing

wow, the last 6 weeks have been really hard for me. i have so many different emotions going on i don't know how to deal with them.
1) staying at home: this is so hard for me. i originally wanted a job this summer to get outa the house every once in a while, but hubby said no. i've been going stir crazy at home, doing house work. it's the same mundane thing everyday. i've tried going out with people and it works great, but i dont get to go out that often because there aren't that many play groups that i know of or belong to and i only have so many friends with kids who are avaliable.
2) hubby denounces his faith: this has by far been the hardest part. about 2-3 weeks ago H told me he didnt believe in god anymore. this has really thrown me through a loop whole. we already struggle enough as it is, to not have god as our center really frightens me. i find myself not trusting him, doubting him, fearing him, being angry with him and a whole other barrage of emotions. a part of me wants to remain deep in my faith and KNOW that this will soon pass, but another part of me wonders if i give up Christ, will it make things better between us. every day there is awkward silence. like neither of us knows what to say to each other anymore for fear of either 1)offending the other or 2) hurting thier feelings. I feel sometimes like this will never pass and we'll end a statistic. neither of us wants to. we are both determined to work things out, it's just hard and sucks really bad.
3) hating where i live: it's no suprise to those of you who talk to me regularly know i despise where i live. i can not wait to get out of here. as far as i'm concerned it can't happen fast enough. unfortunately we are stuck until something severe happens. apart of me blames this place for what H and I are going through now. there have been situations that have happend with friends that have deeply wounded H and would not have happend if we ddin't live here. we would've never been a part of a church that we felt so neglected in. H reached out to the pastor and he didn't do anything. no wonder he is where he is in is walk of faith.
4) mixed emotions about letting friendships go and come back: i've let a few friendships slip this past year. i dont know quite how i feel about that. i know one of them i have already made the steps to reconcile, but the other i dont know if i want to, which saddens me because we were "best of friends" for the longest time. until i stopped calling.
5) lack of friends: H knows i trust hardly anyone. going through this season in our lives i've noticed i' lack the propper friend that i'm able to open up to. i have several close friend where i live, but i dont' feel comfortable spewing all my nasties to them. i also have dear friends in various places across the US that i find hard to burdden them with this info (because they are so far away). the one person i want to tell everything to would listen, but is not in the country. i just want them to hold me and tell me everything will work out.

i guess time will tell what's in store for my life.


  1. 1. I know how you feel about being in the house. It's got its ups and its super-downs. Have you tried searching Yahoo or Google groups for play groups in your area?
    2. You are not a statistic. Your marriage was strong before all this and this is just a test of that strength. The answers may not come right away, but if you're both dedicated to making it work, then you've already won half the battle.
    3. When are you moving back to NY? ;)

  2. Carmen,
    Thank you for your support and words. Though we are far away, I do value our friendship and the times we do get to talk. I would move back to NYC in a heart beat if I could. But it wont happen.

  3. That's cool. NY loves you anyway :)

  4. K, don't ask me how I missed this post until now. I see that you wrote it about a month ago. Is everything the same today or have some things gotten better since this?

    I agree 100% with your friend Carmen about #2. I am a firm believer than if two people want to make a marriage work and are deeply committed to it, they sure can make it work no matter what!

  5. amelia, don't ask ME how i didn't see this comment. :)
    things are still the same here. i'm floating from one church to the next trying to find a right fit. elevation was great, but it just wasn't right for some reason. aaron still feels the same way.
    thank you for your comments. the one great thing god has blessed my marriage with is honesty and open communication. although there are times when i fear what's to come, i know it's always in his hand and he will NEVER let me down. and we are both deeply committed to our marriage.
    it's just still really scary.