Saturday, December 19, 2009

Going through the motions

Boy do those words ring true to me.
Since my last post not much has really gotten better aside form DH and I. We have managed to come to terms with each others beliefs or lack there of. We have "accepted" that the other will continue with their beliefs. This is still very hard for me. I have not regularly attended church since his big announcement and I find myself doubting weather I will ever go back or not. Don't get me wrong, I still love God with all my heart and soul and know that He is in control, but I just don't feel ready to go to church yet. This deeply saddens me. For so long I sought refuge in church and looked forward to worship, communion and community. Recently I find myself purposely avoiding any company, not worshiping, just basically turning God off on the outside world. The void is there and I can feel it. I know I need to turn back and start finding a church, people with similar beliefs etc. I also know it will come and that God will allow me this time to "learn" my way back. I continuously pray for little Z that she will not be affected by this. That despite her father's lack of beliefs (which are beliefs in and of themselves), she will grow strong in the Word of God and grow to reflect that. I just really feel all alone in this adventure and don't really know who to talk to. I have several close friends that I know I can talk to about this but there is some kind of block, something is stopping me from asking for help or a listening ear.

Last night we hung out with some people that we used to be very close to. I felt oblgated to go to the christmas get together that they had. I didn't want to go because I really have nothing in common with them anymore and quite frankly don't really want to be around them because of the lack of interst they have shown in my life since DH denounced his faith. (This is when I would've needed them the most) The whole time I was there, it just felt empty. There wasn't that "fire" that used to be there when we were close friends, genral lack of interst on their part. They invited us just to be nice. I tried to offer help when they needed it, but they didn't take it. That hurt. I put myself out there again.

Obviously things aren't getting better here in Buckeye. We are strongly considering our options so we can get out of here ASAP. We even thought about moving back in with our parents until we could get out of this house. We have talked to a few people about our options with the house and we will see what happens with the options. I am praying for direction. Obviously DH and I want to make the right decision for our family. We aren't exactly sure what that is right know, we just know that we are so unhappy here that it's bringing our outlook on life down.

Really, on some days the pain is just so much. My heart bursts with sorrow sometimes because of the way things have turned out. I'm at a loss as to what to do to get ourselves out of this feeling aside from walk away from our house, but even then, I'm not quite sure that will resolve the issues, pain and resentment.

I have found it very hard to get into any type of holiday cheer. No Christmas parties this year, no real get together's, no gift exchanges, we're all by ourselves this year. Really sucks.
I sound so depressed. Ha, I probably am. Atleast I have some where to share and get it out.

My hope and prayer is that this time next year life will be great. I know my God as put me through this season for a reason. This is the only thing that has kept me going. I know that the lessons learned will be invaluable. I know that the reward in the end is like nothing I can comprehend. All that seems like nothing right now, which is a mindset I need to change.

With all this negativity, there are many things I am thankful for:
1) My husband, who despite his beliefs, has been more sensetive to mine then in the past, among other things.
2) My daughter is AWESOME and such a blessing. Every day I look at her and am amazed at how God knit her together in my womb. Wow!!
3) My job! This year so far (we're half way through) has been AH-MAZING! I am so in love with my kids. It is fun going to work nearly every single day.
4) My family, they are keeping us in thier prayers and always willing to help whenever we need them.
5) My friends. I can honestly say that DH and I do not have close friends withing 45 miles of us. This is truely taxing on our life and some friendships. But those real friends are the best. Always there to cheer us on and cheer us up. Paying attention to our lives and us to theirs. Investing time.

There are many other things I am greatful for. I am truely blessed in every sense. I have a house, a car, a job, a husband who loves me, a daughter who is relatively healthy and always happy, my husband has a stable job and we aren't struggling. Really, what more could I want. And yet, with all this, I, no we are still discontent. Goes back to the thought of "will I ever be content?".

1 comment:

  1. You're so right and most things are only for a season. I encourage you to go back to church, your husband may eventually come back around because of your faith and example. But especially if you're trying to have children, you want them to grow up with that base knowledge, it may help them if they ever doubt. Best of luck.