Monday, March 28, 2011

Obedience Vs. Willing Heart

Is there anything wrong with doing something out of obedience rather then a willing heart?

When The Ex and I left the last church we attended together, I started going to churches on Sunday in search of "home". Home didn't come (it would take about 2 1/2 years to find something I could call home). After a while I just kind of picked a church and attended it regularly because I knew that is what God would want me to do . Not because I wanted to go, but because I knew it was the right thing to do.

Once I moved out of the house, I switched between NCC and Vineyard North Phoenix. Both very good churches, I just never felt connected and struggled to stay connected through small groups or functions. At this point, I was really angry with God and really didn't want to go to church. But I continued to go. I hated going a lot. It was such a "hassle". I had to get Z ready often times and figure out what service would be best for us, or coordinate with my parents if she was going to go to church with them. I was tired of sitting by myself in service. Yet I continued to go.

Through out this time, I tithed on a regular basis. I wanted to support "my" church, but my heart wasn't happily/willingly giving. I just did it out of respect for God.

She Who Can Not Be Named, sometimes questioned me on this. Asking me why I can't just give happily with an open heart. God has given me EVERYTHING I could ever need or want. Why was I being so selfish. I don't even deserve Jesus' sacrifice. That alone should be enough.
Her comment to me has stuck with me and kind of put a damper into me doing things. Sometimes I have felt guilty for doing something even though I didn't want to.

S, my mentor, has always mentioned how important it is to stay in The Word even if your heart isn't in the right place. She points out that the enemy is sneeky and will get his hands on you easily especially if you are not regularly surrounding yourself with God.

Today T and I were serving. He asked me if we should take two cars so that I could get Z if I needed to. He didn't want me to feel obligated to stay just because he was there. This conversation sparked these same emotions from the conversation I had with SWCNBN. Why was I doing this? Because I really wanted to or because I wanted to support T?

Ultimately I really truly believe that God blesses those who serve, tithe and worship. Even if their hearts aren't always willing. There is so much scripture that talks about obeying God, serving him faithfully. Sometimes, when you're in a dark phase, that is all you can do to keep yourself connected to him.

My heart is really turning back into a "willing heart". I want it to be there. It's amazing what three years in a dark place can do. I'm so disappointed that I let myself to get there, that I didn't have faith in God, even though I always thought I did. I was blind but now I see. I'm ready for this new adventure and I am very excited. I realize that I depended too much on myself and not enough on Him. I'm working on this.
(Side note: "I'm working on this" seems to be the term of this season for me)

3 Things
1) I am thankful for an all forgiving God. 
2) I am thankful T going out on a limb and serving
3) I am thankful for my daughter. She's finally turning back into herself.

1 comment:

  1. I love your writing Jasmine. For some reason, it always seems to speak to me and where I am at in life. Thanks for your raw, open vulnerability.
    Blessings dear sister!