Sunday, June 24, 2012

Memories.... aren't always shiny

My husband asked me if I've written any blogs lately and obviously the answer was no. This comment has kind of gotten my wheels turning in my brain. There are so many things that I want to get written down on "paper" but haven't made time for them for some reason. This is a SUPER random post. So, bare with me.

Garden 2009

Tonight I was laying in bed, tossing and turning, as has become common place for me. I started looking through pictures on my Mom's FB and then pictures on my FB of my "old life". I can 100% say without a doubt that God has put me right where he wants me, but boy am I starting to miss that house. T and I have briefly talked about never owning a house. Recently as we were driving through some neighborhoods, he said "ugh, I'm getting house fever". I kind of brushed it off because there is still no part of me that wants to own a house again. BUT tonight, while looking through all those pictures, I came across a lot that were taken in my house. My kitchen. My living room. MY BACKYARD. I miss it. I'd be lying if i didn't say  there was a growing part of me that yearned for a house again.

Which brought me to this thought:

Cruise, 2010
My amazing Mother's Day card, 2012
Boy, Z looks a lot happier in all those pictures. :( Is it just because she was such a naive baby, with everyone around her that loved her and took care of her? Was it because life was "easier" then? Was she really happier then or is it just me? I know that children go through a lot of changes and emotions through a divorce and through remarriage. I don't know how my divorce and remarriage has affected her, maybe i am just blind to it. She in no means has ever been a bad or naughty kid. In fact, she's quite awesome. But she NEVER smiles for pictures like she used to. More like, she refuses, maybe it's just the stubbornness inside of her that wants to exercise itself more now then it did when she was little. I remember her playing with tea party with my mom and tormenting her dog. I miss capturing her smile on film. I need to take more pictures.

This thought then brought me to this:

I miss him (the one my open letter was addressed to). I look back at pictures and think of all the wonderful things he did for me. I don't know how to mourn his loss aside from bottling it all up and allowing only bits to come out here and there. I feel like I'm not allowed to let things fall apart because I have too much on my shoulder. Too much depending on me. I can't be weak.

Then I came to this point:

Life really is easier as a kid. I don't remember family drama, family issues, friendships falling apart, stressing out about money, dealing with broken relationships, dealing with drug addicts, etc. I remember playing Aliens in my aunts pool with my brother, starring at my cousin while she ate delicious food (and DIDN'T share), playing four square at school, chasing the ice cream man and drawing "tattoos" all over my body.
It's not that I am ungrateful for what God has given me, I am just realizing how easy I had it as a kid and how I wish I appreciated it more and used that time more wisely.

3 Things
1) I am thankful for God, who not only provides for my needs but is gracious enough to give me my hearts desires too.
2) I am thankful for a husband who eagerly seeks me out. 
3) I am thankful for a family that no matter what, won't turn its back on me.

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