Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Masters Vs. Desire

As a child, before my parents got divorced, my mom always made an effort to celebrate my birthday with my classmates. I remember one year in preschool she asked me what kind of cake I wanted. I told her that I wanted it to be purple. She made this beautiful purple cake with a rainbow and My Little Ponies on it. She brought it to school so we could celebrate my birthday. I remember sitting at the table in front of my cake. I had my "BFF" Kyle next to me as well as a turd Travis on the other side. I remember them singing Happy Birthday to me. I remember them cutting the cake up. I remember them handing a slice to Ashley who was so very mean to me and I felt she didn't deserve any of my awesome cake that my "Mommy" had made for ME.

It's memories like these that make me want to stay home with my daughter. Today as I was driving away from her preschool I thought about how lazy I am because I was even DEBATING whether or not to get her anything for her class to celebrate her birthday. That's when the memory of my mom's cake came to mind. I know that if and when (summer time) I am home full-time I am an amazing mother as opposed to just a mother. I want to help her make those precious, life remembering memories.

After the memory faded this morning, I found it kind of funny that I'm getting ready to start my master's but my heart is being pulled to stay home. I'm mentally taking steps to become more disconnected with my child so that I can provide for her by getting my masters, but my heart whispers something "dedicate more time to your daughter, don't be absent, don't half ass this job".

I will be getting something for her class (I'd totally make it, but them days is over!) AND I'm sucking it up and The Ex and I are taking her to Jump Street together on Saturday.
3 Things
1) I am thankful for my dad who ALWAYS takes care of Z without hesitation
2) I am thankful for a strong up bringing, despite it's draw backs
3) I am thankful for a GOOD teaching day.

1 comment: